Wednesday, July 16, 2014

dear dear Allah _

Ya Allah, I dont know how to thank you, you have given me a present so expensive and meaningful, so important to me
you keep never letting me down when i do
you keep helping me when i dont help myself
you keep remembering me even after i forget oyu
you keep thinking of ways to make my life better even when i dont
you stop my problems when i cant

ya allah
I thank you
and this new ramadan where i would never want  anything but your forgiveness i still ask and ask
and you still give and give

Ya Allah
thank you
I pray you forgive me
I pray you still want me
I pray you forget my sins
and my terrible things

and help me change
help me ......... in project BED

to be continued////////////

ps am sorry for being mean, for being like them, the worse thing in the world is to copy someone's actions, someone who is unhumane,  just because they do it to you - and that is exactly what i did.

I kept asking myself why dont i feel good about writing that , or thinking that , or being that girl
and the reason is I was brought up to be a kind woman, a woman who holds firm her beliefs and intentions are well - no matter what
taking your revenge is not the sunshine i want to fill my heart with
and i realised that all im doing is letting their venom poison me

no that is not me
i am better
i am kinder
i am faithful
i am the one who knows im right
and knows Allah will be there to prove that
and I am the one who is going to be......


to be contuned

ive let this place down - i.e ive let my emotions . feelings, goodness and sadness fall down the drain, instead of collecting them and making my life interesting and poetic no matter what im writing about

i miss writing
for me
changing and thinking and breaking free

i feel locked not from other peoples ways but from my own
i feel sad not because they make me sad but because i let them
i feel weak not because i am weak but because i see them as strong

God this is not the woman i should be

and i wont be

Ramadan countdown to the 10 beautiful nights is here
The Quran , showering our hearts till now
Ramadan the beautiful days the first time ever I am with family and friends
and I love it

ya Allah

I am here and I am here to be yours
because i love you so much

dear Allah

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -