Monday, October 31, 2011

download the future 1

Defeated yet I try and defend the undefeatable
Broken wings but I try and fly high to another lifetime
Black soul yet I want see through white eyes
heavy mind but I want to make it feel lighter
sad story so I want to change it happier
repulsive existence so if I could only cover its existence
bleeding fingers but if I keep covering maybe it will hide
walking short so stop walking altogether
falling apart so continue to slice through the pieces
damage nerves until something inside unclicks
rain heavily yet attempt to see through freezing glass
shiver constantly and look at the warm jacket next to you
never pick it up just think about wearing it
about what it feels like...the warmth
dream about the way your body will sink back into natural temperature and become normal agian
but in reality shiver until you explode with minus love
download the future
one two all days
but I cant find this episode..... the day where 
or the day I 
or the day when 
keep searching just keep searching 
search under here
type using this 
maybe its under that 
keep searching for the day thats missing
never stop looking for the day thats missing
but what about today?
isnt today missing searching for tommorrow?

I don't want you

Hold on......I don't need this
your sympathy and your lies
he looks down upon me from the skies
broken hearted but able to depend on a million other beautiful people....and then some

I don't need to see this or know about this
I dont want your lies
they collectively dont mean anything to me
I dont want your weakness
There are stronger people than you
stronger better cleaner
I dont want to even look at you
you smell of evil thoughts
you look of dirt under
you feel of criminal ties
you hae a wicked glance over you
tormenting you?
No its tormenting me but all I do is forget you like you forgot me
all I do is throw you like youve thrown me
all I do is empower others that have empowered me and have empowered themselves through me

I tried....I tried to help you save you show you
but you still embarrass yourself time and time agin
fail to see
fail to be
fail to stop yourself
or start yourself the right way
I tried to give you
I did give you
but you wanted more
you are never happy with what I give you
everyday I showed you your strengths I showed you that you could be better than yourself now and that you are better than others but you didnt listen
you continously pulled yourself to  ground level, below the ground lever the basement
I gave you aid
I gave you mercy
I gave you forgiveness
but you dont deserve those things

I wonder if I had never given you all this --- would you have been better/ maybe....
I wonder if  i did show you the end? would you change
you always keeep wishing you knew
and anyhting that you can know you try and find out
so If I  showed you told you
this is whats going to happen to you
 the ending, the end,
isnt everything in betweeen then just a way of getting there/
when you skip episodes in series to see the end and you see the end
suddenly dont all the episods in between become useless boring
you never go back to finish them
youve seen the end
even if you dont understand how it got htere
youve seen it
 you know it

this is the same
you know the end
you die in the middle
I didnt want you die now
but you insist to kill yourself everyday
i didnt want you to be so unhappy
to be so ugly
from within
i created you
I loved creating you
I loved allowing you faith
I made you special rich powerful because i gave you the best thing in this world
the best hting
the thing money cannot buy but it is more expensive than
i gave you faith
I could have left you cold
have left you
just left you
rot like all these people you are seeing rot
but I gave you the best thing in this world
they key to greatness
the way to love
true love
not the crap you think is love
youve never touched love
youve never seen love
you dont deserve love

I dont want your sympathy
you think this cycle can continue forever
how can you be the one
number one never
you always saw yourself the clever...intelligent......bright
isnt that what they always said/?.......
but you are not number one
you are not number two
you are not number 3
you are number way top on the scale of lost souls
ones trapped in their own being their own fantasies their own existence
creating a very small place of pleasure thinking this is the paradise
worshipping the madness of their own rules
obeying rituals growing each and every moment until growth becomes murderous
harvesting nothing for its just todays idol
crude rawness divine it plays with your desire
a soul trapped in its own volcano of lust
a soul lost within spaces of infinity
you can never get out
you are one of the lost
you have not been taken hostage for someone to find you
you have given yourself to them
and so you have given consent
you have lost your soul
you have sold your soul
you have given your soul
and thus i can never find it

Khartoum the pain

I ....Dreamt of a day where we could be happy, where I could be happy
I dreamt of a day where we would sit on balconies in the sunset and drink mint tea...or cardamon...the only difference is the flavour of essence...but the steam of freshly brewed tea in the evening is the same the smiles are the same the melody of fmaily i the same the commitment and love is ....the same

I.... Dreamt of a day where we treasure home and hold ourselves in high regard,,,where people hold us in high regard where we dont need anything but each other

I....Dreamt of a day where i could trust myself trust my family and of course trust in god

I... Dreamt of a day where I dont feel guilt as I hvae done nothing wrong
I dreat of a day where my patience runs  through and I see the pleasure of waiting

I dreamt of a day where its a simple khartoum evening the streets hustle queitly as yet another evening falls ...the tea is still hot..... the wind blows and sings perfection.... no chill no heat just ....heartbreak

Khartoum heartbreak the biscuits are from the local grocery.... green doors.... pepsi on the outside pavement yet the biscuits are purely sdanese sitting on my balcony next to my tea as I stare out on the horizon of a heartbroken city
heartbroken by me heartbroken by broken dreams by broken people

I ....Dreamt of a day where I lived in that heartbroen place but with a new heart ready to fix ready to treasure
I dreamt it would be mine
the vast landscape of tommorrow
tommorows treasure in the african desert so faaar away
I dreamt I could conquer my present and sail the seaas to get there
I dreamt it would be mine

I dreamt it would be mine mint....or cardomon tea as the sun falls in yet another heartbroken khartoum....yet I am with a freshly brewed heart glowing with faith,country love and magic
i dreamt it would be mine......

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

She writes....I remember that day,, where am I now, where is she? ...she writes

She writes....
I wonder what you would think of me , If you only knew me
He writes
She writes
i wonder what your dreams are and ............

( I left this poem for 2 days)
Now I find it and my whole persepective has changed

She writes
One time I heard that patience and trust, love and honesty are key
one time I saw a woman who never thought about it
Who never mistrusted herself
Who never imagines this or didnt imagine that
and...she won

She writes
I see exactly what I want
her smile
her happinness
her confidence
and strangely I feel embarrassed 
that woman was here
that woman I once knew
but I didnt learn
I didnt take good
i only gave back bad
She writes
I Feel like a part of is always losing , giving up to others, never standing up for herself
I lost the war because i put down my weapon
weapon of joy, weapon of faith, weapon of patience
I lost because i had no shame in waht I was doing
and she writes
everything you do has a cost
either you get paid or you pay for what you do
I lost because all I do I was paying for
and not I have nothing more to pay
She writes 
I am jealous only at the power I should have had and the zero  i have now
only at the beauty I should have known and the ugliness i Feel now
only at the lessons I should have learned and the emptiness I know now
She writes
where is your soul?
where is your fear 
where is your heart
what have you done?
you have no one to blame 
She writes
you have no one to blame
blaming everything on ohers but never yourself
its time to blame yourself 
She writes
I am only sad at the time Ive wasted
and the ties i've tied rotten
and the words Ive said
and the 
thoughts ive thought
from regret
but hear I am today
In pain.........
She writes
where are you first
where are you 
she writes
you only need something else
you only need
she writes
find you 
before you find me
help me before he helps you
save me before you ask to be saved

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

it was simply for you....

So.... it seems that you do not understand
What I was trying to say.....
I was trying to help you I was trying to do it today
I was trying to show you that I'm in love
I was  trying to make you feel I'm the only one for you
I dont know you
i dont own you
I dont hear you
But I was trying to show you
something new
something true
something fairytale
something real
something to keep
and no longer ...weep for

But.... it seems the days win and the oceans spin us apart
it seems the words break and mountains shake so we do not find each other
It seems the clouds rain and the rain washes away my tries
It seems there are others stronger than me, more beautiful than me - more interested and more .....unwashable
It seems the start had no meaning and the end is near
It seems the battle and the war has been lost
and what cost?
well simply you....


Why... I continue to degrade myself like this i do not know
slowly but surely I am slipping away
from all the good things I used to pray
Slowly and mercilessly I have no voice
I have no choice
in the things I do
imagine no choice in the things I do!
Why...I do this I do not know
I dont feel imporant
in fact I feel useless 
I feel madness 
I feel...cold
yesterday I spent the whole day damaging myself
with thoughts of pressure and forcing myself to find treausures
i already have and do not need
in all the wrong places
Theday before that I did the same 
just playing a different game
deep down I want to scream
but superficially the deepest part rots
outside the inside clots
exteriorly the interior plots
.....nothing that can come out
Why....I break my heart like this I do not know
Why...I degrade my mind like this I do not see
Why...I do not treasure myself I do not feel
Why ...i do not mercy myself I do not beat
Why...I do not love who I am I do not battle
defeat ...ever 

Friday, October 7, 2011

fall, falling, for a new day

Fall in love, but let it feel right
fall in love, but do not fight
the way your heart says its wrong

Fall in love forever and a day
Fall in love and with love stay

fall in love but do not get hurt and  fall
fall in love and for love call
 but do not build a stressful wall
between your heart and mind

Fall in love when the time comes
but do not force the seconds to find the one
it will never fall in place
and you will race and race
in the wrong competition
lose everything
have nothing

Fall in love
today, tonight,
with yourself, your might
you are the one who deserves the love
breaking free from scents of your night flowers glowing amidst a winter freeze a tormenting breeze of cold and you are too bold to crush
your poisoned blush of mistakes
so dont let them grow
let forgiveness glow
fall in love and let it throw
a new cover to heal your love that is falling
to rebuild your power thats breaking
to master your talents that are dying
to recover your faith that is trying
to save you...............

lose the battle, but never the war

I keep apologing to everyone but there is really one peson i need to apologise to the most and I never have
So much damage so much stress and pressure Im amazed at how my body, eyes, love still manage to survive
Ive never thanked myself/apologised or even considered the attention that my life really needs
I always take the bad
 Ialways take the stressful
I never show the helpful
the beautiful
and then i punish myself
never forgive myself
never thank myself
for letting me use those eyes that so many people wish to have
for letting me walk to here and there
when so many people dream of what I see simple
for letting me hear words sounds and tastes
when so many people have never heard my dictionary of sound
and yet I still imagine I am in the bottom scale
I still bring myself down
I still stop thanking myself 
pleasure turns to pain
beauty turns to ugliness

life turns to a job
making mistakes becomes routine
making mistakes never get forgiven
and so I build build fear and torment in my heart
until it explodes
the solution is not easy I know
but it is also not impossible
and it is not going to be solutions Ive tried and failed before
the solution is not going to be impossible
the solution is going to be mine
but it will take time
and forgiveness
and understanding from within me 
a meeting with myself
and most importantly when I can forgive myself

when I can believe that god will forgive me
then the devil and my weak soul cannot impose their imprisonment 
cannot impose their sanctions
for I have somewhere else to turn to

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Starting again_No take aways, No cheese



i stoppped eating bread about a week ago - I admit I sometimes forget or buy a sandwich but i have not bought any - but I realised there are other things causing trouble and excuses dont work anymore


Dear God 
I am sorry for what i have done
I know what it is
but I don't know how to fix it
I know that lying is not the answer
therefore I will not lie
but breaking down is not the answer either
and giving up is out of the question
I will not give up on your mercy and forgiveness for me
dear God
I will only give up on my past experiences 
I will only forget the past and open a new page
 Iwill only love today
I will only think of my future the one I can create and make
not the one out of my control

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Please god, let me do the right thing

where is love? they ask themselves, I ask myself where is love?
suddenly I cannot hear it
I cannot feel it
I cannot touch it
Suddenly I am so lost it hurts
I am so afraid it is dramatic
I am so unhappy it is tormenting
when you make a mistake a big one
when you make something  that seeds lifeless hope
you become hopeless
suddenly I cannot imagine why I did
why I wrote
why I said
really what goes around comes around
Dear God
I did mistakes
Dear God I cannot lie
Dear God as much as I am bad I am a lot  lot good
Dear God I WILL not tell a lie
change the truth?
Dear God you were there
I messed up badly
Subhan Allah how I m still tormented
Dear GOd - I must accept your punishment but please God do not punish my parents as well
Dear God - Show me what to do
Dear God I do not want to do soemthing just because I am afraid
just because I am afraid
just because someone told me to
Dear God - i am sorry
you have given me all this education and I have thrown it away
Dear God am I like her?
Dear God can i live like this? or like that forever/
Dear God if it is meant to be let it happen
I am not afraid of your goodness upon me I am not afraid of what is good for me I am not afraid of what is right for me I am not afraid of what you have  in store for me I am not afraid of what you want for me you yyour dreams for me your opinions your actions your words I am not afraid Dear God of what you have written for me
I am only afraid if I reject it without knowing - if I miss it without seeing if I go past it without stopping If i take something else without knowing
Dear God i beg of you to never let me do that
only let me take what is right for me
No one in in the middle between your plans and I
Dear God do not let me think of things wrong
let me have a straight head
let me have a right mind
let me do the right thing
Dear God I know i missed doing the right thing a lot of times
let me do the right thing now
Please God let me do the right thing

cut.....sugar girls but you're made of bitter

I dream of love
the right kind
the wondeful mind of faith coming with dreams and engaging me
I dream of truth
honesty courage and youth
to hold me
i dream to never fall in traps
escpecially the ones designed by my own maps
falling and falling into the other side of disaster
I fall and fall faster winding and it only keeps getting darker
asking all the wrong things I did 
then I got afraid and I hid
a coward I know with all despair
Ive broken things I cannot repair
madness suddenly holds unto me
sadness becomes my only refugee
guilt becomes my losing war
there was so much to have so much in store
but always always I take - choose wrong
always always i am not strong

Girls they all want the same things
to fall in love , be loved, be happy , be respected
I didn't think of the consequences of my choices
I only thought of what I wanted 
I ignored all the warning voices
that here...Is not where you'll find things not how you find things
Girls they surrender, cry and hurt
they change their minds a million times
they scream at their lovers 
they love and love again
until it feels right 
until its certain its right
until its for sure correct
I wanted something out of a movie
something beautiful, something extraordinary
you reap what you sow
what goes around comes around
you fool.....
impatient fool

Monday, October 3, 2011

i fear myself_broken note

I fear myself
tongue loud with fury
loud wih misery
unwise words
I fear myself
words unmeaning life
disconnecting purity
causing instability of soul
i fear myself

Suddenly I become useless depending on the expansion of my rotten seeds
suddenly all I can do is pray and pray and pray for God to make everything alright
I know  this is right but.....
I wish I had the ability to control

but i dont
all I have are my regrets and my inability to forget and my ability to ruin lives..........

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -