Tuesday, October 18, 2011

4-1

Why... I continue to degrade myself like this i do not know
slowly but surely I am slipping away
from all the good things I used to pray
Slowly and mercilessly I have no voice
I have no choice
in the things I do
imagine no choice in the things I do!
Why...I do this I do not know
I dont feel imporant
in fact I feel useless 
I feel madness 
I feel...cold
yesterday I spent the whole day damaging myself
with thoughts of pressure and forcing myself to find treausures
i already have and do not need
in all the wrong places
Theday before that I did the same 
just playing a different game
deep down I want to scream
STOP! SLAP! THATS IT! 
but superficially the deepest part rots
outside the inside clots
exteriorly the interior plots
.....nothing that can come out
Why....I break my heart like this I do not know
Why...I degrade my mind like this I do not see
Why...I do not treasure myself I do not feel
Why ...i do not mercy myself I do not beat
Why...I do not love who I am I do not battle
defeat ...ever 
4-1
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -