Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Please god, let me do the right thing


where is love? they ask themselves, I ask myself where is love?
suddenly I cannot hear it
I cannot feel it
I cannot touch it
Suddenly I am so lost it hurts
I am so afraid it is dramatic
I am so unhappy it is tormenting
when you make a mistake a big one
when you make something  that seeds lifeless hope
you become hopeless
suddenly I cannot imagine why I did
why I wrote
why I said
really what goes around comes around
Dear God
I did mistakes
Dear God I cannot lie
Dear God as much as I am bad I am a lot  lot good
Dear God I WILL not tell a lie
change the truth?
Dear God you were there
I messed up badly
Subhan Allah how I m still tormented
Dear GOd - I must accept your punishment but please God do not punish my parents as well
Dear God - Show me what to do
Dear God I do not want to do soemthing just because I am afraid
just because I am afraid
just because someone told me to
Dear God - i am sorry
you have given me all this education and I have thrown it away
Dear God am I like her?
Dear God can i live like this? or like that forever/
Dear God if it is meant to be let it happen
I am not afraid of your goodness upon me I am not afraid of what is good for me I am not afraid of what is right for me I am not afraid of what you have  in store for me I am not afraid of what you want for me you yyour dreams for me your opinions your actions your words I am not afraid Dear God of what you have written for me
I am only afraid if I reject it without knowing - if I miss it without seeing if I go past it without stopping If i take something else without knowing
Dear God i beg of you to never let me do that
only let me take what is right for me
No one in in the middle between your plans and I
Dear God do not let me think of things wrong
let me have a straight head
let me have a right mind
let me do the right thing
Dear God I know i missed doing the right thing a lot of times
let me do the right thing now
Please God let me do the right thing
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -