lose the battle, but never the war

I keep apologing to everyone but there is really one peson i need to apologise to the most and I never have

ME

So much damage so much stress and pressure Im amazed at how my body, eyes, love still manage to survive

Ive never thanked myself/apologised or even considered the attention that my life really needs

I always take the bad

 Ialways take the stressful

I never show the helpful

the beautiful

and then i punish myself

never forgive myself

never thank myself

for letting me use those eyes that so many people wish to have

for letting me walk to here and there

when so many people dream of what I see simple

for letting me hear words sounds and tastes

when so many people have never heard my dictionary of sound

and yet I still imagine I am in the bottom scale

I still bring myself down

I still stop thanking myself 

pleasure turns to pain

beauty turns to ugliness

life turns to a job

making mistakes becomes routine

making mistakes never get forgiven

and so I build build fear and torment in my heart

until it explodes

the solution is not easy I know

but it is also not impossible

and it is not going to be solutions Ive tried and failed before

the solution is not going to be impossible

the solution is going to be mine

but it will take time

and forgiveness

and understanding from within me 

a meeting with myself

and most importantly when I can forgive myself

when I can believe that god will forgive me

then the devil and my weak soul cannot impose their imprisonment 

cannot impose their sanctions

for I have somewhere else to turn to