Monday, October 28, 2013

Message 15 and M & A 16

In an Emergency.......

on a real happy day things went a little crazy
and I felt for an instant everything was really wrong
although I knew the bond between us was really strong
I hated all that was happening and I hated the scene
questioned if our connection was just too obscene
and for the first time didn't know where we were going....

to be continued

Friday, October 25, 2013

too blessed to be stressed

Never read, heard, or typed that rhyme before
yet its so simple to realise 
so easy to coordinate and i cant just believe how it suddenly struck me like it was breaking news
when I count how many blessings I have , when I think about how many actions I do without stress, without illness , or disruption - as once in a library I remember distinctly the words coming out of my mouth
'wow its really hard to be healthy'
after realising how many dramatic illnesses that can conquer a human being
and yet after understanding that I was precious
 I was still stressed
and have continued to be
not stopping to believe for a moment how
blessed I fanatically am

when I look at all the times I waste and yet they just keep coming back - each time  a further Golden moment in my life that possibly could be perfect if  Ijust seized the day
Its funny how I stress to try remember how blessed I am
as if worry and poverty of mind are my only blessings
as If All I see is madness and chaos, fear and repetitions of failure - right now these are my only blessings
oh and wasting time and the inability to love God

I am a Hopeless monster who is a pathetic small thing not realising how many blessings she has to appreciate and so I deserve the ground of stress underneath me solid  as If I was on a cross trainer but never sweating or losing an inch of devil..from me


Echoes in my mind_ (The first time)

The first time something happened was when  I danced amidst my exams 4 hours a day...or more to Dirty Dancing Havana Nights and much more - I did more than i could ever imagine

The first time something happened was when I discovered he woke up at 5.30 am to pray alSubuh on time and then start studying

 I went to the 4 rth floor that day and stared at the beautiful sky just before dawn listening to the near by mosque telling me that life only begins when you're content with yourself =
all because of him

Now.. I know somethings happened when I realised Ive tried everything - I have this one solution left - to stop hearing myself and start hearing the words of kind and sweet faith

Its time to let go of my familiarities a little and start entering a realm ive never stepped into - filled with expensive patterns that mean the galaxies combined

and maybe God - has given me this undreamt and realistically cut opportunity to sharpen my true soul and outline the echoes in my mind to surrender in the fine thin line that is

who I was before the table... of Life

Message 14

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Message 13

Wishing my new Sun, Moon & Stars was by my side

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

(POW)_ What a target of meaning...

I suddenly feel very dirty and really want to pray......

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


Stop screaming inside your heard and learn thoese beautiful traits from the five Queens in Islam not laziness, from the devil
the most humble, advanced, models of life
Creative women, happy women, trustworthy women, oh kind women,
those women knew what they wanted and what they lived for and what they would die for
and what made them individual and what made them love and what made them
Queens for Allah's faith
oh imagine what it would be to be a woman that is sure of herself. knows she smart, knows shes doing the right things, knows she would never do the wrong things. imagine that woman who knows she wouldnt miss al fajr
because everytime she sleeps or worse wakes up but doesnt pray
its like tearing a piece of her humanity
but that is just a degrading level
imagine a woman who wakes for Fajr without delay
imagine a woman who wears modest for faith and not for anyone
just to keep her body safe
imagine a woman who doesnt have negativities geared towards herself
no she would never harm herself so
should would only pray, read Qu'ran and be magical in her soul
never obstructive to a worthy cause
only deserving of the expensive air she breathes

now imagine a woman who is in massive debt
for her life is perfect and yet she acts like she wants to return it
if you close your eyes
you can see the devils surround her
near her
playing with her
and beating her
the time
you can see their drool falling on her face as she snores through the dawn
you can smell their hazardous waste corrode her identity
you can feel their carved madness etched on her soul
you can not deny their collections around her
for shes already missing a prayer
late more than 24 hours
imagine how much debt that is

imagine a woman whos whole life is surrounded on focusing on others...

imagine a woman whos whole life is focused on finishing things in the last second

imagine a woman who life is dramaless yet the voice of drama fulfills her into blackness
just a void
is where she is contained


to read 40 years from now....

and so you wait until you shrivel into a secretive mess
dying inside like you never knew the taste of life
like you never breathed , or you never drank
cool air
water of your veins just stops
and you are forgotten ..
you forget yourself

you become this unhuman who just waits for something to happen
just something to happen
until then
red and green cards can fill the gap
diamonds and spades can be your obedience

while you wait for the right time

the right thing to do
the right place to be
the right hope to feel

you can just wait until that time comes

its probably tommorow
thats when its going to happen
and if not
then just say
its probably tommorow
and if not just say
its probably tommorow
and if not just say
its probably tommorow
and if not just say
its probably tommorow

20 years pass
will you still be in the same place a master of hearts?
while you wait for tommorow to come?
that tommorow where you are a new you
a stronger
a better
more demanding of yourself
hard working
or will you have maybe forgotten that dream
because you would have realised
that tommorow will never come
because it was always there
you just never saw...or tried to reach out

40 years pass
time runs still
maybe time means something now
every second that runs by is important
and you wish you could collect all the time
but time runs so fast and you just wish

just wish... 40 years ago you didnt wait for tommorow and instead you enetered into today
and now
so you could change your future

so which one will it be?


(POW)_ Time is digging your grave

Are you watching?

Monday, October 21, 2013

(POW)_ A man wanting to consume the world

but the world consumed him
from the inside out and consumed him
until he was aflame with youth burnt to the stalk
and ridiculed with the desire to be invincible
but the truth is
he is the most invisible man i know
and no bling can make him shine
for he ate all wrong and poisoned his heart
and he tried to hold all years flavouring them with the battery of health and the magic of youth
but nothing can make better taste the splotch of waste hes placed ...
and I can see it in his eyes
a twinkle of despair from the soul
and I Can see it in his name
a king lost as a victim of opposite buried


Echoes in my mind_ (Dont begin)

Its not a fair game to compare your mistakes with others... for their mistakes are individual,... entertained by their genetics, environments, beliefs, habits, traits, fears, failures, and love... for everyone wants love and protection of it, everyone needs to feel secure and everyone needs to know that love comes to them - sometimes they must go pursue it without consequence and except Allah , we don't have the right to be consumed in their wrong
and everyone does mistakes... the worst .. being not believing in Allah and how he is so kind and good to you - his creation -

its not the way to cheer you up - just because you hear others are full of dirt and falling deeper and deeper in sin - I feel sorry for them - yes - but using their weakness for your added strength is
like a vampire wish
and feeding on the  bloody ways of others is not the way to live a life
for you must be fair to yourself first and to do that you must stop watching others and search for the blackness inside you - to be fair to yourself you must be judgmental on your personal blacknesses
and to be fair you must be wise upon yourself to find the solutions and carry them out - not just hover over others possibilities to save themselves

you must find your own regrets and your own reasons that brought you to who you are today
and not why others got to where they are today
stop looking at the holes in others for one day they may sow themselves but you will still be leaking.....

The design of my life 3

Love of fun and faith
tuna candles... one could call them!
but I like to be more intricate in letters and call it
design of life and circular attention of gentle light
 and new falls of 
in a place... tempting
with burnt orange
... and painted lust
for i trust 
his hanging grandeur to hold me in place
and I want to be together with him
designing and creating 
what could also be called
pineapple candles...
what a sweet man
Im so glad God put him in my plan

(POW)_ Imagine your meal

imagine if this was your meal....

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I realised today...

I realised today I am part of a deep family, of history and time, running through me, of seconds that became humans, that became relatives, that became gone , and that r eturned, that became here and that came there , and now are everywhere and I somewhere amongst them. maybe lost, maybe found ,
I realised today.. I am the centre of a wide kaleidoscope of unseen, visions, things happening to bring me here, scenes shot to run me today.. live and alive

I realised today , family is precious, for in an instant , you may lose someone you never knew even existed, but in that same precious moment you may discover someone new that always existed and is a blood relative.. and no matter how unfamiliar they are to you

... their relativity  becomes obvious with their kindness and that unexplored feeling of connection you start to discover

I realised today.. that family may save you... quickly, and without them - you would never know who you are and why youre here.

Today , I realised im here to bring forward that connection of family into my soul and my life, my heart and my strength , my own kindness and that I could never go forward if i didnt go back to behind OMdurman houses and find a family never known...

for just like we drove to the past, I realised the past has been driving me back. and ive been letting it, but the truth is , the past is only important so that you remember where youre going and that you never forget the footprints that youve left behind. but I will never let my past weaken me or my fears harden me, or my inabilities consume me, or my arrogance substitute me

for I realised today im an arrogant woman and my past is really simply and ... poor
and I realised to day im a stupid woman and my memory is gone with the wind....


A Diva dances in me_ a morning writer

because I want to remind myself never to be the same
yesterday I watched beyonce all over again
she makes me wanna live and live more
and be cool and better and kinder and strong
an amazing woman I want to be
not like her 
but like me

ill always be better and im going to fight all that is wrong until I get somewhere
and not just anywhere
somewhere that has a point and strength 

I think no one can stop me only me
and ive stopped myself long ...enough
today is a beautiful day
and I want to be have more and more beautiful days
and I want to love  and create and recreate
and dance

I love dancing
it why I promised myself no wedding without dance
and I didnt think it would come true but 
now suddenly
its all come true 
and better
and dancing is like the breath , the life, the joy, the sweat , the hardwork, the beauty, the sexy, the traditional, the modern of the wedding

everything is beautifulwith dance


Saturday, October 19, 2013

a night writer

 I type as others sleep
feeling the cracks on my skin I dont know anymore...
who I am..
pasta...tomato ketchup... a little fetta
he's sad today, its not just about fridays
and I ve made it worse
even though I didnt mean to,,,
sometimes I dont know what hes thinking
but I certainly know what hes not
and hes not thinking I care as much as him
maybe he thinks im wicked
maybe i am
shouldnt have bought that cornflakes...
feeling like a big cornflakes box now but with pasta inside...

i type to remember incidents i nthe day
lately my words are becoming a true journal
something to amaze me cuz i cant amaze myself
wondering where my life is heading, cuz its driving me
 I will always wonder why the girl in the yellow cardigan
left the world , even though I was jealous of her and thought
her yellow was ever so bright - but it turned out she wasnt shining
hard enough - and her sunshine only dug deep

i type to try and smile others but it seems saturns in the way
he frustrates me because i want him to be fine
other wise i wont be - now light is forever broken
and all her youth and life is just... gone
for the sake of one ... silly boy, whos just as lost as she is
im heartbroken at this new appearance of untold mysteries
yet visible to the eye , and black to the core

I type to try find myself, looked at myself through a long mirror today
and couldnt imagine what I saw
mama saying theyve all given up now
soon faithful will give up too
its the usual
pasta... ketchup... a little feta
these days I just cant remember anything


remembering the key

Changing things around cuz im trying to find the key within me
that one word that the teacher took such a long time ago for a totally different meaning
but she took it from me and clapped around cuz I did something important
and said something that a class now dispersed into infinity went by
why dont you use a key as a symbol? I whispered
no one listened and even the teacher didnt hear me
she kept asking - does anyone have any ideas about what to take for the final ceremony to represent our class on graduation?
What about a key? I said a note higher but still no one heard me
one last time but this time with the loudest voice I had
Why dont you take a key as a representation that we've closed one door and opened another 
everyones minds and thoughts ran with the end of my words and suddenly a smile lingered on their faces and Mrs Jennings pulled up her hands to clap
oh thats wonderful Hope! yes lets do that
yes lets do that - repeated another ...and another
and I sat in my school chair a school student facing the outside world thinking .. that was really cool
a bit of creativity , substance, confidence and above all... trusting my self and I lead the way

where am I now/? where is my key>? where is my voice and confidence to change myself first  then to lead others.. .. 
God I wanna lead myself like the best people ive seen , you know who I mean
but I dont know how to extract their beauty like the most expensive vanilla extract
I just always buy the cheap stuff...

The return of a Diva...

unknown to myself, I know there is a diva inside me;
untouched, silent, minded, not helpless, powerful, strong, achieving, wise, gentle, elegant, beautiful, modern, fashionable, sexy, faithful, patient, futuristic, secretive, happy, on time, collected, clean, funny, traditional, modest, open minded, optimistic, smart, sweet, a dancer, a writer, a hard worker, a saver, honest, brave, a dreamer, a cake baker, a music lover, respectable, kind, unhidden, ...a white slate.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Ill never forget that image

Legs hurting, heart aching, memories changing me .,...into a bad woman. unable to help , too lazy to try, all day rough and tough as if I wont need that same arm in 20 years time. Ill never find it and ill remember that image for the rest of my life. too angry to let go. too afraid to go forward. stuck in the middle. Preparation is like postgraduate work. they wont push, they cant make you but they trust you and depend on you to do it yourself. until suddenly the big exam has come. its up to you to be ready. I went to the elegance today. the part of life i want to be like. the part of time i want to sing to. I felt at peace. forgetting my troubles and remembering that life can be... beautiful. and yet.. a part of me violently ..big and red and troubled. feeling like Im no where near where I want to be. but then again... how can someone be where they want to be , if they dont know where that is. im losing my memory. something is seriously wrong. I cant remember a thing and im deteriorating fast.yes. its true. now could i have alzheimers>? or could it be God is sick of giving me health and me ruining it. or is it simply i havnt bothered to learn anything for a long time or worse... learn Quran. not done that since I was in ...2 years ago. I feel dishonest with myself. unproud and selfish. I never forget that image. not something to be proud of writing about but only cruel to discuss. she asks me. lady are you sure what youre doing> then she looks me up and down as if im a joke, but the truth is ...I am a joke. and she didnt want to be called family. I can understand.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

lost in translation

I can see her falling, deep so deep in the crevices of a dark future , a stolen future one ripped from her for free for she didnt  realise how expensive it was
an artist an yet a prisoner and im amazed because an artists mind is like the waves that come crashing down on hard sand - they can melt anything away with their brush theyre magical eyes their hopes to be free on paper and life - life is a piece of art for them i should think but not for this aspiring artist
no this onee
I can see her dying a tiny bit each time she gives her heart and soul to nothing and believes in everything that could be -
a waste of time, respect, meaning, if she declares to be faithful - is she really that artistic faithful beauty that God has forgiven and wants of her exactly waht shes doin?
is this the faith that God wants - the forbidden music act and the illusion of modesty - tightness like handcuffs instead of free flowing material that can only make a woman illuminate with joy of being muslim
I only see a young girl black with the fake thought that what shes doing is correct

I can see her confused at why she is here and maybe not there in the neighbourhood but instead in a room with complete strangers and a life like a prison cell - further attended to by a confused conclusion of what true chivalry is ....
I can see her broken from a long time ago so many stations she couldnt get on until she gave up getting on the train so when she looked around she took whatever was in the station she couldnt move from
I can see her frustrated at herself wanting to be old and her biological need to be young her thoughts telling her to do things only children would do yet her powerless soul powerless to stop a young womans feelings and emotions
its all about feelings - teenage love they call it? or is it a crush -? a bit of flirting and if faith was truly on her mind - she would realise how deep a mountain shes fallen from -
for what I saw was not love. neither for a man or for the one true God

what I saw was not beautiful or strong or meaningful or true or powerful or courageous or unique or wise or happy or healthy or good
what i saw was  a screaming of a child begging to be loved and looking for it any where that would let her
what i saw was a wailing heart just tormented to run away from here
what I know is light doesnt follow her name and instead walks in darkness
of misguidance ,
of lack of educataion
and no love

there is no love inside her
just some building blocks like lego land
there is no knowledge inside her and i dont just mean school education , I mean real knowledge the one that tells you where you want to go and what you want to do
maybe im exaggurating
I find that  the explicit force of bonding aimed to fulfill completely unknown challenges and intentions is just  too painful to watch

a daughter and father in 2 different parts of a world , even though they live in the same house
a mother and husband divorced yet still together
a mother and daughter like the 2 most popular girls in school that hate each other and dont know why
and so the daughter and x are the solved perfect equation of tradition and attribution of a chaos fatal but seemingly cool and wonderful ......

( oh I ll starve in hunger and wont eat so as Im not seen like  i eat in front of him because I want him to always see me as beautiful and im also extremely nervous in front of him I could never eat anyway , its not... girlfriend material no wife to be material and so I will sit in that far bed and watch him tenderly eat)

I... must continue 5, holding eed in my heart

For even though eed is nearly finishing ,from now on there will be eed in my heart
A fascinating joy amidst any darkness
I break my sadness and never hope to be the same again
for change is wonderful, and life is treasureful
and I feel like a treasure is upon me 

they ask what does eed mean to you?
I say it means love of yourself, of family , of country and of health
it means finding the connection of beauty within you and sharing it with the world
this eed means hands coming together to eat and meet and give more than take
it means remembering the less fortunate and making them a part of your own

eed means flowers on a kitchen counter , new cushions , bows in hair, earrings dangling friendship, perfumes misty with finality of design, visiting others, being in love

with everything around you...

eed means praying for something new 

it also means being content with what you have, and trying harder to show God how important faith is to you

eed means rejoining the team of wonderful Islam, and defining your identity with faith
I am muslim, I am Hope, I am in love with God and Faith and want to be the best I can be 

I write to be better, to pronounce my aims, my tries, to fail my cries, to share my dreams and to make them real,
I write because I love it , i love it so and I want to love my life more so than ever before
like how i love a clean new home, or a well done cake, or a smiling family, or a wishing woman at 3 am drinking green tea and thinking that this time 
waht is thought of at night will not be erased in morning

GOd I wanna be free from my hardships and be released into a world ive never tried before
like doing what i want, achieving what ive dreamt, living a dream I worked hard to get, being inside a prayer I begged for, enjoying every last piece of that prayer knowing God gave it to me,
that means
God is listening
better God is watching
even better God is never denying of your wants and needs

Yes, God is with you 

Not like this 2

Green tea to move the soul
I watch the channel and say a silent prayer
feeling that im powerless without God
I refuse to be held responsible for failing
and ive failed many times before
that cannot be the end
I drink to change
to be free
to cleanse
and I must cleanse everything my own

my eyes
my tongue
my soul
my love
my reality
my thoughts
my deep thoughts
my intentions
my words
my values
yes my values
my time
my promises
my prayers
my desires
my descriptions
my patience
my health
my courage
my needs
I must cleanse who I am and what I mean to me
from the inner most internal crevice to the most hidden outer curve
I must resculpt recolour

a woman
who is a true treasure


a steel decision...

He used to smoke 5, 6 packets a day, one after another. I remember the box,... he used to smoke heavily , dependently, addictively, ... he used to smoke 100 cigarettes a day.. or more, just one
a  f   t   e   r
and then one day.. he just woke up and stopped
he threw out what he had and he just stopped smoking
an amazing procedure.
he didnt use anything
never asked people how it could be done
never worried about the hardness of it
never thought about today or tommorow and yesterday
it just happened
and the best part of it
he never smoked a cigarette again

in view of his tough and demanding personality, i find this a corrugated truth,
no one knows why he did it
just the probable... worried for his health, or worried about death
no one knows how he did it
was it painful?
was it unbarable?
 or was it just the easiest thing?

I write about it now
I ask myself.. isnt it obvious that what goes around comes around? how one steel decision saved him on a crisp jordanian morning...
I think IM seeing a true chapter of you reap what you sow

 I try and define myself
what have I reaped to sow later?
and where is my concrete and steel decision?

instead of forever looking at the bad sides of a personality isnt it about time you thought about the good ? isnt it about time you stopped making yourself feel better by other peoples faults and instead make yourself feel bad , looking at the good theyve done? to themselves or to others..

dont you feel ashamed . cant you see how inferior you are> ? right now?

to be continued

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Eman 3_ Vaseline and Glycerine

( I had a sister named Eman who passed away a long time ago due to illness. I was young and naive, never really knew her but now as I reminisce on my broken self  I start to realise maybe I need to go back to go forward, maybe I need to connect with my lost soul and the lost pieces of me , one of which is remembering her essence. and so I try find fragments in my life of her in the hope that  I hope, find my lost faith and my originality... )

I visit for eed and find a vague connection between lost faith and a faith I see now. A woman in her late 40's maybe , a beautiful woman named Eman also. A cousin of my mothers, this woman is ... very elegant. I admire how her skin is always glowing and doesnt have a wrinkle. strange... she has a million worries to give her wrinkles, but I cant see any. She uses Vaseline and glycerine only. and her home is where her heart is. I like her substance. A woman of reality I think and not just emotion for Ive never her seen her complain or be heartbroken. not in front of us anyway, a woman of much greater Spiritually than any other individual ive met.  I find her strong for she holds the key to waking early and staying up late, something Ive always wanted to master. I ask her how she does it.. she shrugs and just says shes used to it. her smile is requited with Gods love for her ... i can feel the peace in her soul. her life is queit , a lawyer, she must be fair, but life hasnt been fair to her, never seen judgement in her eyes though...I wonder what she does alone... I find her calm, sweet, always asking about you but never worrying you about her problems. although I should think shes got the biggest unresolved slash in the world. she has... no children..without cause. no one knows why she doesnt have any. but when I look at her  I dont see that sadness. I can only see love of God . I feel in her that  her golden personality comes from that test , however without her great trust patience and love of Allah , she would never be serving barbecued meat and doing sharbot on the 2nd day of eed 1434. I think shes amazing, and as I watch and compare a woman with a name that means the world to me and links me to the thereafter  I ask myself

I lost a sister named Eman and Eman lost the ability to become a mother... between those deadly miseries can you not find a new born meaning and perspective to life and can you really not bring out an honest joy and strength inside you , you never thought possible? is that really impossible?

Monday, October 14, 2013

gotta, wanna,

wanna write my words carefully, for saying something and meaning something are two different things. Yesterday I didnt mean what i said, and  I certainly didnt mean what I did, now time is running out but I am not..running. Wanna be different. Wanna change, spiritually, physically , mentally, beautifully, everything,. Say, words are swords but I dont wanna kill anyone , I wanna save the world, but first gotta save myself, cuz I miss myself and I miss God and life and really wanna have forgiveness in my life. but how can I have forgiveness if I dont forgive others... worse, need to forgive myself. forgotten how to be.. happy,, forgotten how to be kind.. gotta be strong, and unknown, for telling yourself to others only means your superficially painted . gotta be collected, gotta be new, Ya Rab gotta be me...

Saturday, October 12, 2013

The design of my life 2

at 00.19 I imagine a home with a wonderful man one who makes me smile and has a perfect way of making me feel better
kissing my hand like he wants to and believing in me and that somewhere deep inside me, there is a woman good , a woman smart and a woman young
I want to design my life around his happiness make him chocolate souffles
and he would tell me all is going to be perfect
when hes not right im not right and when hes not happy theres no way I can be happy
I depend on his rythym to create mine
I hope I can bake all sweet things for him
and let him eat healthily and let him simply be mine
Because I love the way he talks and smiles and laughs and I just love him
grand design of my life I hope I can make a circle bookshelf one day
I think its pretty cool and different
and when im with him im amazingly different
just in another world
and in another timefield
wishing he would never go
wishing he would turn pages with me .....

and never stop

M & A 15_ you relax me

You relax me. Every smile in your voice, and every laugh in your words, every unknown idea you come up with and each opposite you think of to make me ... a new lady. I am a new lady with you. never knew how to feel sexy before you, don't need a dictionary to tell me how it feels.. to be with you. like lights in the ceiling of a palace, or like a supermarket filled with everything in the world that you want. I think I don't deserve you, definitely not this side of me, but maybe last year when I prayed I would find someone like you when the olympics were on and the Queen was really close to my window. that was the time I deserved you. I have to do my best to conjure up that woman even if I have to go to the dark forest to find a spell to change me. I promised myself I would be the girl for you. you relax me and make me safe. You make me feel proud and I feel whole and complete with you. I trust you to be the kindness and goodness within me and I hope that we hope together forever. 

oops I did it again...

and I did   it again
using my snake tongue to be a snakewoman
its just a car and a box
and in 2 seconds all was fixed
what do i have to prove ...nothing
but i had to prove something
to have that way
and the instant i had my way
the instant i felt like a lunatic
for anger floods your cheeks with stupidity
and your body with misery
I hate making people feel bad
so why do I ?

instead of waking other
could have woken myself up from the nightmare im in
and leave others at peace
for sleep is expensive these hours
and now i have to pay
for my insults to just a simple
but  because im lame
itsa huge problem that there isnt enough space for my
integration with society
and ... car
and so
I scream....


like my country , I'm torn between beauty and repulsion
torn between the calm sunset and the chaotic bloodstream
of the pressures of actions that make me... repulsive
though the core is forever beautiful
26 years of madness have made me 
... a central mess
and yet the core is forever sound
like molten steel
or... fallen feathers
that linger in the sky
but if they did fall
their good softness would cover the hardness of a thirsty desert of empty tries
but my sins collide with the polluted ozone of weakness and blackness
to stop them

asking God to forgive me for my sins
the heat , melting any passion for a strong personality
like my country, I feel no definition for what I can be
I feel burnt with mistakes
a conclusion of sins
and a result of stolen time
.... similiar to each other

 I attempt to shovel my scatterings
underneath the dirt
and pretend I'm like...
a woman at Hajj
God can just accept
... my prayers
but like I was told...
its not all about you
and that is very true

 I am the promise that never came
the golden key that was never found
the treasure lost forever
the heartbroken angels that will surround
my country and I

I am the.... life that dies everyday
the nights that whisper away
the stars that twinkle with tears
the sun that no longer fears
to burn

like my country I am....nothing

Friday, October 11, 2013

M&A. 14....he doesnt like Fridays

he doesnt like fridays
the best day of the week
the one where a home is beautiful and all prayers are gold plated
the day where breakfast is attractive, like fashion
a radio lingers in the backgroun, capital or mango depending on which one brings usher and alicia keys
for he is my boo he is my one true
and sandal wood lingers in the background of a clean and new end of beginning
samsung regrigerators hum in the background and an Open TV opens in the background,
he flicks the channels but never changing this channel life
for I and him are the best channel ...
coffee maybe and pancakes or unbeaten chilled lemon and mint juice
come in trays
life is a different galaxy on Fridays ...with peace and beauty
spinning around with every true meaning and serenity
each second a diamond of time

and then a long cool shower for a meeting with the angels
reciting the words that forgive all last week
yemense black arabia on my neck...maybe
or is it intense dolce,
or is it just simple cologne... ice blue
I dont know but I know those Fridays would smell explicit with Love and ionized passion

Today Prayers mean thousands
Duhr means the wave of honesty and binding faith
Fridays are the sensation of a wonderful relationship
the sensation of a forgiveness

but he doesnt like Fridays.....
the silence haunts him and ive never written about him in this way
before.... be continued

lifeless hope

imagine erasing a day
from the pages of your life
literally tearing it out from the book of heartbeats
and throwing it in the sea
to be washed away without memory
because that day was terrible
or meaningless
or just not a part of you
wouldnt it be nice to start again
and wake up early
pray with your soul
 and imagine you were at hajj
do tasbeeh and keep asking over and over again
for everything to be alright
make busy yourself with things
beautiful things
like maybe cleaning for eed
or baking
or cooking
or studying
or watching a movie
or dancing
that would be a lovely day
but imagine living a day like you were dead
like your soul was dead
absoloutely without care for crime
or regret
or ability to hold on

while people wear white and begin to be ready for the best celebration
your just celebreating your destruction

imagine that .......
and unlike lucy

you wont forget that day tommorow and have a clean slate
you will remember the pain and guilt
you will take it with you the heavy burden of ...doing nothing
and you will like this
live more ugly days


Thursday, October 10, 2013

Ya me

Ya Allah let me as fashionable as gold satin with red design
or is dark green mesmerising sublime
or magnificent caramel sugary with lady
or brand new navy shimmering a royal elegance
the cut is beautiful
the shine is right
Ya Allah let the roads be smooth , open for me a special pathway a
secret going
Ya Allah the piano enters my soul and I just want to fly fly into perfection
maybe into the woman I that creates me
a movie people wana see and a story people wana hear
I madea a mistake again and let my tongue run
who am I to hate? and who am  I to force others to hate
music is soft and heautiful
now how cold that be hell material?
am I heaven material?

Ya Allah let me me beautiful and kind
like how I did the right thing putting ginger biscuits in an empty handbag
of 90 years past and a beautiful mind
truly a beautiful mind
even though I may not understand or may not believe
I think he does have a beautiful mind
certainly better than mine
I write swift gotta go
visit Khartoum Streets

Ya Allah
love me even when i dont love myself

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

its all obvious today...

Time to fly
hes nice today
I hate it that way
makes me feel im evil prey
im a terrible woman
so judgemental
so impatient
and so unkind
God im ugly form the inside
like a swamp
rotten with bad words
and green with layers of views
hes sweet today
he looks at his room maybe wishing maybe hoping this is or isnt the last time
I put ginger biscuits in his handbag
each one a sweet prayer he will be alright
I wish I could do more
I wish he uses them
let them be the last fragments of my broken down goodness going with him
I suddenly remember all my negativity, all my disastrous methodology of relativity
to my ...grandfather...
all my times I didnt go or worse
didnt want to go
 I still havnt shown him the picture
I feel... like dula
just pure mean
and wicked
I feel no different
maybe I am no different
for lets count the difference
I  dont see none
people bite her
and hate her actions
i hate her actions
but really were no different
wild witches thinking were both something
when the real someone is the one
were fighting
hes young today
and im the 90 year old
hes peaceful today and im the one at war
Oh Ya Allah im in pain
oh Ya Allah im in pain
its obvious today
what a terrible person I am....

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

never imagined it would be you,...thats why its perfect

tall and handsome
young and wise
I sit here to my suprise
and find you in front of me
helping me 
to carry my weight
making my life easy
and light
filled with light 
for you and with you I fight
its cool
its a breeze
at 1.41 am
 I wanna sleep
but gotta say goodbye
to 3 travellers
and worry
sick of that story
I feel like fasting is cleansing my soul
I want to be strong
I want to be right
for forever I want to be
my Sudan fairytale
one woman 
whos different
for a cause
my cause
to be successful
in love
and beautiful
inside and out
no more collections discommunicating
my thoughts 
and dreams
no more interventions of inability 
disconnecting my 
favourite things
I have a song
that I wanna play in
...a certain day
for a new beginning
in a strange place
at a common time
boy im tired
but you keep me alive
waiting for my eyes to rest
Tommorow is a test
that I gotta pass....

light on my way

like a corrupt land , dirty streets line my eyes, people a mess in disguise, shattered and bruised with really no life, there is no happiness here , broken dreams ,and spilled hopes, no chances and expensive honesty, there is no honesty, there is no chance, life here is different than the rest of the world, changes are dim and magic is slim, the desert mixes with dirt to make lies, the water mixes with toilets to make drinking water, the water mixes with kidneys to kill, but that is not the only reason for death here, death to try , death to fantasise, death to have new things, death to think differently, death to be similiar to the rest of the world, is a sin here, there is no light, here there is no light

and yet
I dont close my eyes and press for sweet orange juice, here i was born, here i was raised, here i taught language, here I come from, here is my land, the one that made me , the one God chose for me - here is my country, I have been give ncolour, tradition and honour , been given its secrets and its scents, its food and its glory, its gardens and its colours, i have been given its r esponsibility to call it my home, here i am light will follow me , I will make it each and every day, here there is family, wonderful family, here there is love, cardemon tea, energy, here there is whispers of joy that can be a song, songs are beautiful along the river nile, waving and winding around the city, the city is the past at night, old and asleep with bedroom lights on, shadows in the twighlight, the stars look over us, and the moon glows, there is light in the darkness
the sun wakes each and every day, to dry the last pain away, and it works for people live here, and continue to be strong
de contaminated by heat, by fizzing rays that come coded with tommorow that no one can decode

here there is light of the sun that breaks the darkness and as long as i am here there will be no darkness in my heart for I start
a new life
and a new day
a mango new day
and it will taste divine and
sweet and yellow with truth and correctness and divinity to the one

(POW)_ The shorter it will be

84 days until forever...

what a wonderful request
one filled with ernest 
and truth 
just thinking like that makes one a better human being
but I want to carry out the skill
of zoning onto ones self
and forgetting the madness of others
for others will have faults
and those faults are not for you to dwell on
and those people will make mistakes
but they are none of your business
if you make it yours  then their sins become
a root for your sins
and their faults
force you to have faults
and suddenly those 
play a vital role in your 
why would you give that power
to someone
who really has stolen goodness of you?
entering a new life
and in the process of becoming a new woman
and throughout the next 84 days
until forever
i never 
want to talk about others again
an elegant woman thinks of her own faults and how to fix them
a faithful woman doesnt deny her own mistakes only
to look at others
that is a non elegant trait
for a sweet tongue 
makes you a beautiful one
be special be kind
and you will be happy

My next year

I want to be a strong courageous and outgoing woman,I don;t want to re my mistakes, being lazy, being a pass, not getting up early for the sake of .... closing them eyes and being a slave to ...nothing. I dont want to complain, I want to be complainless woman, cuz I think every time I complain my skin darkens and my eyes tear and my mouth wrinkles. I want to be soft, beautiful smart and happy.  I want to make him want me...always. Africa is my beauty centre, Sudan is my beauty woman, and I am the outcome of my life, tries, patience, days and nights, kisses, temptations, writings, readings, makings, eatings, lovings and joy. I am the result of well done eye liner and unbroken lipstick, the redness oozing bravery and never despair. I never want to despair. and blusher is the colour of secret. for to keep it right you gotta keep it tight. and music is encouragement to never die while you live. it breaks my heart to hear youngsters unable to understand the freedom of beautiful music. I need this. Being in this mess to become clear, being in this dirt to become clean, being in this disorganisation to become organised, being in this madness to become sane.

Monday, October 7, 2013

85 days until forever...

and I cant stop thinking about his smile
the way he makes me laugh
im never in denial that hes perfect for me
he reminds me of good men
good faithful men
of the past no longer here
and that the future badly needs

and Im working but changing the formations to write about him
you see hes always on my mind
and I just find, he steals my concentrations
I just have to stop concentrating to concentrate on him
and its really a troublesome situation
that im writing in pink about the beautiful realisation that hes mine forever
and I wonder how exact were my expectations of this dream to come alive?
and I think probably magical and heavenly that such a person would be in my life more than i
expected and deflected on my prayer mat
God gave me better 
like I asked him for a normal phone and he gave me a smart phone
or I asked for silver and he gave me gold
or I asked for happiness and he gave me happiness with completion...

and I know with patience and love, faith and  hope, hope and faith together ,
life is just wonderful, practical yet magical ,

(Ya Rab 
protect us and help us become better 
Ya Rab
I dont deserve your gratitudes and wonders but I am certainly praying that you forgive me and let me be worthwhile for this constructive religion)

with 85 days left to go 
Working properly and enjoying it
trying hard and harder
having patience 
depending on yourself and no one else
believing in better
knowing that you can do anything and everything
trusting yourself
wanting good things for yourself

is  one of the first pieces of healing for the best forever

The first time

 I remember the last time oceans away
really this is sudan - never better than other places but always the best for me
I dream and imagine life here and it works
work works it just needs time
this is where patience is a must
and its important to hold on to the queit moments before you lose them
or is it the peace before you never have it again
but I dont want to be lost here? am I lost here
a little bit but nothing that cant be handled
and I'm not the only one
I think that im really scared
this is a hard position to be in
not really knowing what to do
but im trying to help myself and trying to understand
I remember in other areas of my life were I wasunsure of myself
and unwilling to use my time correctly
it was queit , it was easy but because I quit
I passed only and it was so hard
I wont quit this time
no matter how easy that is
ill always take the hard option
ill always try feel the pain so I may one day have a different result
...from last time

the first time where I must take control
do work and not chat
do work and not freeze
do work and not think
do work and do faith
the first time to do work and not sleep
the first time to say to myself
its not the situation that puts me where I am and how i feel, its my intention and personality that puts me where I am and how i feel

I could be at home feeling down
and I could be here feeling successful and energetic

you choose ......

Sunday, October 6, 2013

(POW)_ from me to we

No more

ive never felt so shallow like this in my whole entire life
never felt to brutal to myself
never considered myself as an enemy
never stabbed myself in the back... falling like the tower that never would fall

I feel...

angrywith who I am
could be better always
should be
never is and is

always probable
never defiinite
always dissapointing never achieving
always a pass never a distinction

and now i upset the nearest to me
and myself above all
never holding a promise
never asking why do I have such a broken heart
and yet
I beg Allah for forgiveness for i hear his forgiveness is greate rhtan all my sins combined
and I beg Allah to look after me for I am not looking after myself
and I hold my hands and look to the Sudanese Sky and find freedom and ask Allah to give me some of that
and i beg Allah for his sanctionary of soul in this sanctioned beauty
always  I will feel prisoner if I am being like this

tell me is it too late to start again??for I Really feel im walking alone in the battlefield
and letting the devils fight me and win me
and letting my soul be taken like Phalestinian Land
and letting my heart be tormented like Guantanamo prisoners
and letting my mind be forgotten like being in a coma
and letting my body be neglected like the poorest homeless beggar

Ya Allah... IM really tired of who Im turning into I want to be ...better and certainly stronger and most certainly more in love with my faith
for ive forgotten you and everything about you and all good wthin me and all meaning inside me
Ya Allah it doesnt make sense im just like a robot ... unprogrammed and senseless
no feelings inside me I walk and travel and have no intentions or strength of a muslim woman no more
Ya Allah please help me change myself for you say you will only help if youre ready to help yourself

I am
ready to help myself
no more interests in anything but myself (in a secure, kind way)
no more wasting time
no more sleeping while people pray
no more unhoping
no more feeling like You are not with me
You are
my God you are

the wrong place at the wrong time

oh what a terrible situation
to be lost in communication
and not have the right skills
to be the perfect one
oh what a poor evaluation
that you cant do Gods recommendation
and that you cant feel his sensation to help you
oh what a broken intervention
that you try with no suspension of any good within you to even just try
its dark and youre dark
its maghrib and you could have
its the first day and you didnt
its the best thing and God didnt give it to you

i think....
you really dont deserve........

Saturday, October 5, 2013

87 days until forever....

born in 1987 and I realise there are 87 days until my wedding
life has changed and things are dramatic
this is not who I want to be 87 days before the final day
until I step out of this world and enter the neext
right now
I know God aint happy
I know hes dissapointed
so that ivory winter white will look elephant and not like winterwonderland

im rough
and i hate it
can i Really change into the woman I want to be in 87 days
they say it only takes 21 to change any habit aaround
I dont know ive given up on myself so many times before
why not now?
easy to forget what i want and how to get it
easy to become so preoccupied with others faults
I just hate this house

no thats wrong

I hate myself
I really do
tell me hope?
what is that youve accomplished since
a year ago
this is the year out
this time last year you came back to Sudan
afeter just a passs
and now i tihnk that pass would be ok youre in fail territory now

youre just a spider of cobwebs
everything bringing you down..

I can never understand you
God is no nice to you
and yo uare so nice to you
trust me if u were the most anyone you wuld never be happy with this personality

there are 87 days until life changes
until days become true nights
until reality becomes 2
until dreams become true
until hope becomes new
but its like....

that last day i left my room and looked at its silent bed and walls and thought
ive left you forever now /// Good bye
and I felt I had closed a  huge part of my life the one where school days nourished and I was ...was that girl who knew nothing of the future except Douglas and the Cinema...

and now in 87 days
I will look at my past life and think
ive left you forever now///Goodbye
and I dont know what i will feel before I turn away
but I should think if I dont close this chapter of my life the right way
no ivory dress will make me right .........


I have 2.... so sick of myself....

 She asks me what happened to the other 1?
and I instinctively put my monster face on
 I just have 2 cuz I use both ....
and in an eerie silence where all  lie still thinking of my sharp words
I can almost hear them just really know what youre doing dont you?
you know youre not that rich...
im still thinner htan you
youll never be happy..

that last thought was mine
for in the split second of unified echoes
even I knew
maybe that wasnt theright answer
maybe not speaking or just saying..i dontk now nothing would have been better

like the ambulance idea
why does it matter in all existence andhonesty and truth
what I think?

andi n the end his daughter was in Royal Care and he wasnt
dossing at home while his boss was in China
Like I thought and breached into the world

and maybe everyone is right and I am wrong
and maybe I am really a very bad person
and maybe I am the one who needs to sort myself out before using my tongue to sort others out

suddenly i realise
maybe I am like the president
got everything but really has nothing//////

Friday, October 4, 2013

The design of my life

I dream of design
simple and easy
different and exotic 
like how mangoes are in the streets of Khartoum
yellow with wisdom
smelling sexy and wild
I wish there be hope
the one inside me 
the one within my soul and heart
to make things right 
to say the right things
that never upset anyone 
but always make them feel well
for I feel like i make people feel ill
because my mind is wrong
and my heart is not strong
and the way my art is
is confusing
and my true shape
is unknown
and the graphs of soul
are hidden
I wonder if a clock made with picture frames
all different shapes and sizes and colours and
 wonderful pictures
of  M & A
of Family
of children
of smiles
of flowers
of Sudan..the sunset and sunrise over a broken down river Nile
old with destruction
new with hope
that has just moved into it
would be one way to be colourful
and intricate with new beginnings 

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -