Saturday, October 12, 2013


like my country , I'm torn between beauty and repulsion
torn between the calm sunset and the chaotic bloodstream
of the pressures of actions that make me... repulsive
though the core is forever beautiful
26 years of madness have made me 
... a central mess
and yet the core is forever sound
like molten steel
or... fallen feathers
that linger in the sky
but if they did fall
their good softness would cover the hardness of a thirsty desert of empty tries
but my sins collide with the polluted ozone of weakness and blackness
to stop them

asking God to forgive me for my sins
the heat , melting any passion for a strong personality
like my country, I feel no definition for what I can be
I feel burnt with mistakes
a conclusion of sins
and a result of stolen time
.... similiar to each other

 I attempt to shovel my scatterings
underneath the dirt
and pretend I'm like...
a woman at Hajj
God can just accept
... my prayers
but like I was told...
its not all about you
and that is very true

 I am the promise that never came
the golden key that was never found
the treasure lost forever
the heartbroken angels that will surround
my country and I

I am the.... life that dies everyday
the nights that whisper away
the stars that twinkle with tears
the sun that no longer fears
to burn

like my country I am....nothing

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -