Ill never forget that image
Legs hurting, heart aching, memories changing me .,...into a bad woman. unable to help , too lazy to try, all day rough and tough as if I wont need that same arm in 20 years time. Ill never find it and ill remember that image for the rest of my life. too angry to let go. too afraid to go forward. stuck in the middle. Preparation is like postgraduate work. they wont push, they cant make you but they trust you and depend on you to do it yourself. until suddenly the big exam has come. its up to you to be ready. I went to the elegance today. the part of life i want to be like. the part of time i want to sing to. I felt at peace. forgetting my troubles and remembering that life can be... beautiful. and yet.. a part of me violently ..big and red and troubled. feeling like Im no where near where I want to be. but then again... how can someone be where they want to be , if they dont know where that is. im losing my memory. something is seriously wrong. I cant remember a thing and im deteriorating fast.yes. its true. now could i have alzheimers>? or could it be God is sick of giving me health and me ruining it. or is it simply i havnt bothered to learn anything for a long time or worse... learn Quran. not done that since I was in ...2 years ago. I feel dishonest with myself. unproud and selfish. I never forget that image. not something to be proud of writing about but only cruel to discuss. she asks me. lady are you sure what youre doing> then she looks me up and down as if im a joke, but the truth is ...I am a joke. and she didnt want to be called family. I can understand.
What it is...
I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.
My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-
My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.
But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.
Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...
Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -
It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -
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