Sunday, October 20, 2013

I realised today...

I realised today I am part of a deep family, of history and time, running through me, of seconds that became humans, that became relatives, that became gone , and that r eturned, that became here and that came there , and now are everywhere and I somewhere amongst them. maybe lost, maybe found ,
I realised today.. I am the centre of a wide kaleidoscope of unseen, visions, things happening to bring me here, scenes shot to run me today.. live and alive

I realised today , family is precious, for in an instant , you may lose someone you never knew even existed, but in that same precious moment you may discover someone new that always existed and is a blood relative.. and no matter how unfamiliar they are to you

... their relativity  becomes obvious with their kindness and that unexplored feeling of connection you start to discover

I realised today.. that family may save you... quickly, and without them - you would never know who you are and why youre here.

Today , I realised im here to bring forward that connection of family into my soul and my life, my heart and my strength , my own kindness and that I could never go forward if i didnt go back to behind OMdurman houses and find a family never known...

for just like we drove to the past, I realised the past has been driving me back. and ive been letting it, but the truth is , the past is only important so that you remember where youre going and that you never forget the footprints that youve left behind. but I will never let my past weaken me or my fears harden me, or my inabilities consume me, or my arrogance substitute me

for I realised today im an arrogant woman and my past is really simply and ... poor
and I realised to day im a stupid woman and my memory is gone with the wind....


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -