Thursday, October 17, 2013

lost in translation

I can see her falling, deep so deep in the crevices of a dark future , a stolen future one ripped from her for free for she didnt  realise how expensive it was
an artist an yet a prisoner and im amazed because an artists mind is like the waves that come crashing down on hard sand - they can melt anything away with their brush theyre magical eyes their hopes to be free on paper and life - life is a piece of art for them i should think but not for this aspiring artist
no this onee
I can see her dying a tiny bit each time she gives her heart and soul to nothing and believes in everything that could be -
a waste of time, respect, meaning, if she declares to be faithful - is she really that artistic faithful beauty that God has forgiven and wants of her exactly waht shes doin?
is this the faith that God wants - the forbidden music act and the illusion of modesty - tightness like handcuffs instead of free flowing material that can only make a woman illuminate with joy of being muslim
I only see a young girl black with the fake thought that what shes doing is correct

I can see her confused at why she is here and maybe not there in the neighbourhood but instead in a room with complete strangers and a life like a prison cell - further attended to by a confused conclusion of what true chivalry is ....
I can see her broken from a long time ago so many stations she couldnt get on until she gave up getting on the train so when she looked around she took whatever was in the station she couldnt move from
I can see her frustrated at herself wanting to be old and her biological need to be young her thoughts telling her to do things only children would do yet her powerless soul powerless to stop a young womans feelings and emotions
its all about feelings - teenage love they call it? or is it a crush -? a bit of flirting and if faith was truly on her mind - she would realise how deep a mountain shes fallen from -
for what I saw was not love. neither for a man or for the one true God

what I saw was not beautiful or strong or meaningful or true or powerful or courageous or unique or wise or happy or healthy or good
what i saw was  a screaming of a child begging to be loved and looking for it any where that would let her
what i saw was a wailing heart just tormented to run away from here
what I know is light doesnt follow her name and instead walks in darkness
of misguidance ,
of lack of educataion
and no love

there is no love inside her
just some building blocks like lego land
there is no knowledge inside her and i dont just mean school education , I mean real knowledge the one that tells you where you want to go and what you want to do
maybe im exaggurating
I find that  the explicit force of bonding aimed to fulfill completely unknown challenges and intentions is just  too painful to watch

a daughter and father in 2 different parts of a world , even though they live in the same house
a mother and husband divorced yet still together
a mother and daughter like the 2 most popular girls in school that hate each other and dont know why
and so the daughter and x are the solved perfect equation of tradition and attribution of a chaos fatal but seemingly cool and wonderful ......

( oh I ll starve in hunger and wont eat so as Im not seen like  i eat in front of him because I want him to always see me as beautiful and im also extremely nervous in front of him I could never eat anyway , its not... girlfriend material no wife to be material and so I will sit in that far bed and watch him tenderly eat)

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -