Thursday, October 17, 2013

a steel decision...

He used to smoke 5, 6 packets a day, one after another. I remember the box,... he used to smoke heavily , dependently, addictively, ... he used to smoke 100 cigarettes a day.. or more, just one
a  f   t   e   r
and then one day.. he just woke up and stopped
he threw out what he had and he just stopped smoking
an amazing procedure.
he didnt use anything
never asked people how it could be done
never worried about the hardness of it
never thought about today or tommorow and yesterday
it just happened
and the best part of it
he never smoked a cigarette again

in view of his tough and demanding personality, i find this a corrugated truth,
no one knows why he did it
just the probable... worried for his health, or worried about death
no one knows how he did it
was it painful?
was it unbarable?
 or was it just the easiest thing?

I write about it now
I ask myself.. isnt it obvious that what goes around comes around? how one steel decision saved him on a crisp jordanian morning...
I think IM seeing a true chapter of you reap what you sow

 I try and define myself
what have I reaped to sow later?
and where is my concrete and steel decision?

instead of forever looking at the bad sides of a personality isnt it about time you thought about the good ? isnt it about time you stopped making yourself feel better by other peoples faults and instead make yourself feel bad , looking at the good theyve done? to themselves or to others..

dont you feel ashamed . cant you see how inferior you are> ? right now?

to be continued

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -