Tuesday, October 8, 2013

My next year

I want to be a strong courageous and outgoing woman,I don;t want to re my mistakes, being lazy, being a pass, not getting up early for the sake of .... closing them eyes and being a slave to ...nothing. I dont want to complain, I want to be complainless woman, cuz I think every time I complain my skin darkens and my eyes tear and my mouth wrinkles. I want to be soft, beautiful smart and happy.  I want to make him want me...always. Africa is my beauty centre, Sudan is my beauty woman, and I am the outcome of my life, tries, patience, days and nights, kisses, temptations, writings, readings, makings, eatings, lovings and joy. I am the result of well done eye liner and unbroken lipstick, the redness oozing bravery and never despair. I never want to despair. and blusher is the colour of secret. for to keep it right you gotta keep it tight. and music is encouragement to never die while you live. it breaks my heart to hear youngsters unable to understand the freedom of beautiful music. I need this. Being in this mess to become clear, being in this dirt to become clean, being in this disorganisation to become organised, being in this madness to become sane.

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -