Saturday, October 5, 2013

87 days until forever....

born in 1987 and I realise there are 87 days until my wedding
life has changed and things are dramatic
this is not who I want to be 87 days before the final day
until I step out of this world and enter the neext
right now
I know God aint happy
I know hes dissapointed
so that ivory winter white will look elephant and not like winterwonderland

im rough
and i hate it
can i Really change into the woman I want to be in 87 days
they say it only takes 21 to change any habit aaround
I dont know ive given up on myself so many times before
why not now?
easy to forget what i want and how to get it
easy to become so preoccupied with others faults
I just hate this house

no thats wrong

I hate myself
I really do
tell me hope?
what is that youve accomplished since
a year ago
this is the year out
this time last year you came back to Sudan
afeter just a passs
and now i tihnk that pass would be ok youre in fail territory now

youre just a spider of cobwebs
everything bringing you down..

I can never understand you
God is no nice to you
and yo uare so nice to you
trust me if u were the most anyone you wuld never be happy with this personality

there are 87 days until life changes
until days become true nights
until reality becomes 2
until dreams become true
until hope becomes new
but its like....

that last day i left my room and looked at its silent bed and walls and thought
ive left you forever now /// Good bye
and I felt I had closed a  huge part of my life the one where school days nourished and I was ...was that girl who knew nothing of the future except Douglas and the Cinema...

and now in 87 days
I will look at my past life and think
ive left you forever now///Goodbye
and I dont know what i will feel before I turn away
but I should think if I dont close this chapter of my life the right way
no ivory dress will make me right .........


No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -