Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Eman 3_ Vaseline and Glycerine

( I had a sister named Eman who passed away a long time ago due to illness. I was young and naive, never really knew her but now as I reminisce on my broken self  I start to realise maybe I need to go back to go forward, maybe I need to connect with my lost soul and the lost pieces of me , one of which is remembering her essence. and so I try find fragments in my life of her in the hope that  I hope, find my lost faith and my originality... )

I visit for eed and find a vague connection between lost faith and a faith I see now. A woman in her late 40's maybe , a beautiful woman named Eman also. A cousin of my mothers, this woman is ... very elegant. I admire how her skin is always glowing and doesnt have a wrinkle. strange... she has a million worries to give her wrinkles, but I cant see any. She uses Vaseline and glycerine only. and her home is where her heart is. I like her substance. A woman of reality I think and not just emotion for Ive never her seen her complain or be heartbroken. not in front of us anyway, a woman of much greater Spiritually than any other individual ive met.  I find her strong for she holds the key to waking early and staying up late, something Ive always wanted to master. I ask her how she does it.. she shrugs and just says shes used to it. her smile is requited with Gods love for her ... i can feel the peace in her soul. her life is queit , a lawyer, she must be fair, but life hasnt been fair to her, never seen judgement in her eyes though...I wonder what she does alone... I find her calm, sweet, always asking about you but never worrying you about her problems. although I should think shes got the biggest unresolved slash in the world. she has... no children..without cause. no one knows why she doesnt have any. but when I look at her  I dont see that sadness. I can only see love of God . I feel in her that  her golden personality comes from that test , however without her great trust patience and love of Allah , she would never be serving barbecued meat and doing sharbot on the 2nd day of eed 1434. I think shes amazing, and as I watch and compare a woman with a name that means the world to me and links me to the thereafter  I ask myself

I lost a sister named Eman and Eman lost the ability to become a mother... between those deadly miseries can you not find a new born meaning and perspective to life and can you really not bring out an honest joy and strength inside you , you never thought possible? is that really impossible?

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -