Wednesday, October 9, 2013

its all obvious today...

Time to fly
hes nice today
I hate it that way
makes me feel im evil prey
im a terrible woman
so judgemental
so impatient
and so unkind
God im ugly form the inside
like a swamp
rotten with bad words
and green with layers of views
hes sweet today
he looks at his room maybe wishing maybe hoping this is or isnt the last time
I put ginger biscuits in his handbag
each one a sweet prayer he will be alright
I wish I could do more
I wish he uses them
let them be the last fragments of my broken down goodness going with him
I suddenly remember all my negativity, all my disastrous methodology of relativity
to my ...grandfather...
all my times I didnt go or worse
didnt want to go
 I still havnt shown him the picture
I feel... like dula
just pure mean
and wicked
I feel no different
maybe I am no different
for lets count the difference
I  dont see none
people bite her
and hate her actions
i hate her actions
but really were no different
wild witches thinking were both something
when the real someone is the one
were fighting
hes young today
and im the 90 year old
hes peaceful today and im the one at war
Oh Ya Allah im in pain
oh Ya Allah im in pain
its obvious today
what a terrible person I am....

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -