Friday, October 25, 2013

too blessed to be stressed

Never read, heard, or typed that rhyme before
yet its so simple to realise 
so easy to coordinate and i cant just believe how it suddenly struck me like it was breaking news
when I count how many blessings I have , when I think about how many actions I do without stress, without illness , or disruption - as once in a library I remember distinctly the words coming out of my mouth
'wow its really hard to be healthy'
after realising how many dramatic illnesses that can conquer a human being
and yet after understanding that I was precious
 I was still stressed
and have continued to be
not stopping to believe for a moment how
blessed I fanatically am

when I look at all the times I waste and yet they just keep coming back - each time  a further Golden moment in my life that possibly could be perfect if  Ijust seized the day
Its funny how I stress to try remember how blessed I am
as if worry and poverty of mind are my only blessings
as If All I see is madness and chaos, fear and repetitions of failure - right now these are my only blessings
oh and wasting time and the inability to love God

I am a Hopeless monster who is a pathetic small thing not realising how many blessings she has to appreciate and so I deserve the ground of stress underneath me solid  as If I was on a cross trainer but never sweating or losing an inch of devil..from me


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -