Friday, October 11, 2013

lifeless hope

imagine erasing a day
from the pages of your life
literally tearing it out from the book of heartbeats
and throwing it in the sea
to be washed away without memory
because that day was terrible
or meaningless
or just not a part of you
wouldnt it be nice to start again
and wake up early
pray with your soul
 and imagine you were at hajj
do tasbeeh and keep asking over and over again
for everything to be alright
make busy yourself with things
beautiful things
like maybe cleaning for eed
or baking
or cooking
or studying
or watching a movie
or dancing
that would be a lovely day
but imagine living a day like you were dead
like your soul was dead
absoloutely without care for crime
or regret
or ability to hold on

while people wear white and begin to be ready for the best celebration
your just celebreating your destruction

imagine that .......
and unlike lucy

you wont forget that day tommorow and have a clean slate
you will remember the pain and guilt
you will take it with you the heavy burden of ...doing nothing
and you will like this
live more ugly days


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -