Wednesday, April 29, 2015

dont be like this

its tupid to be sad when theres no need to
look at people who have every reason to be sad and theyre
its poor to be sadwhen you have everything to be happy
I know that Allah is trying to help me and teach me a lesson
and i know that i am weak
but being sad only makes me weaker

im stuck in this whirling cycle of imagination and wishing
cant even see i have what i wished for and what i should be happy about
cant even see
cant even feel
cant even try
just being sad all the time

its notright
its not
and i wont be like this
dont want tobe like this

ill never get anywhere like this

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Feeling... Like losing and giving up

Beautiful morning come my way
I miss writing About things that come my way 
Things i appreciate and things that i needlike a breath of 
Fresh air or a morning breakthrough
Or a prrayer ontime
Or deep henna on my hands or feet
Or maybe even a zumba class
For i realised sitting locked up on the edge of the planet 
So high from stability and quite close to danger really
I just truly didnt like who i was
And people were starting to notice
For i conducted myself in a vile embarassing manner
Each second losing
A part of me and begging for existence
And now here i am
Begging for existence inside me
Hoping that my variables will not be a limiting fActor
But this month im not going to do anything but look for red
As i kno i dont deserve this beautiful thing to happen to me
And thst my variables are just too big
My body ... Hates me
Its just too much how much damage ive done
Like how noone can make you think what u truly want to think about
My body is not thinking except what its decided
And my heart is broken
But this time
I must start again
Using an iron theme
Using a faithful background
Asking for forgivenes
And losing
Yes losing
And most importantly
Giving up
Dont think
Just do

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Sent from my iphone_ my confidence

If i lose my confidence
I lose my world
Its my guard my security
My flavour
And my ability
My confidence
Believing i can be who i want
Do what i want 
Say what i want
And actually do all those things
And Not be afraid
Sometimes i come arrogant sometimes showy sometimes proud and those are all things am willing to change but also theyare young compared to the darkness i would encounter if i was aconfident
And yet.... I am aconfident
Feeling like am not myself
So occupied by things i have no control over until i wither
Until the things i do have control over 
Are miserably done

Sent from my iPhone

remedies 1_ true to myself

hi there....

I miss the my world shining and my life singing
I miss that beautful young lighting joy within me from being kind
truly truly being kind
someone dying for a baby and someone dying not to have one

I think about myself and all the things lately that ive been doing
I think about that email and about hes right - she does love me and is kind to me
and is my important person to adore and appreciate for she does fill the house and does have  a place that i need to respect and appreciate

tell me...
how would it feel like to have one
a young liveone
a small life or soul in your arms
i dont know
ive never written about it as i have love or other  things
maybe im too embarrassed to say i want something so much
i cant imagin what i would do
how i would look at it
and how i would hold them
and what they would be wearing
and how it would feel like


i think about it very hard and closely and i think
will it come ?
as i have begged for other things in the past

really do i have a problem
or is my only problem that i havve a black heart
i do
have a black heart
and maybe changing that will help things

i wonder about my pains
and my miseries
my tongue and
my insanities
my true ones and my really true ones
maybe i shouldnt have spoken
do I feel better?
i dont know
or do I just have more thoughts to think about
like what is he thinking

I dont want to be like this
i dont want to be unhappy when i should be happy
sad when i should be ecstatic
cold when i should be warm
mean when i should be kind
lying to myself when i should be honest
weak when i should be brave

i want to be openly brave honest kind warm and ecstatic
for i deseerve to be all those things and i deserve to spend my expensive time on those and not being obsessive jealous mean cold unhappy and bitter
and worse
and worse
a complete lying to myself
for i should know and realise that that is the worse and yet easiest thing i can do to myself
and it is  the hardest but best treatment i can offer myself

to be true to myself


What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -