Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Feeling... Like losing and giving up

Beautiful morning come my way
I miss writing About things that come my way 
Things i appreciate and things that i needlike a breath of 
Fresh air or a morning breakthrough
Or a prrayer ontime
Or deep henna on my hands or feet
Or maybe even a zumba class
For i realised sitting locked up on the edge of the planet 
So high from stability and quite close to danger really
I just truly didnt like who i was
And people were starting to notice
For i conducted myself in a vile embarassing manner
Each second losing
A part of me and begging for existence
And now here i am
Begging for existence inside me
Hoping that my variables will not be a limiting fActor
But this month im not going to do anything but look for red
As i kno i dont deserve this beautiful thing to happen to me
And thst my variables are just too big
My body ... Hates me
Its just too much how much damage ive done
Like how noone can make you think what u truly want to think about
My body is not thinking except what its decided
And my heart is broken
But this time
I must start again
Using an iron theme
Using a faithful background
Asking for forgivenes
And losing
Yes losing
And most importantly
Giving up
Dont think
Just do

Sent from my iPhone

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -