Sunday, December 29, 2013


feeling like a drama queen, without the drama
lost and insane in the insides of my mind calm outside
others scream for me unintentional loudness
without a necessary cause

its all ....useless

all pointless
and so  I become lifeless
making myself ill

the day went terribly wrong
and there was no way out
like the wicked queen who held all the reigns of her castle
from the wonderful fairies
that wanted to achieve a gem in the gem of their territory
but the gem was empty from the slavery of her conduct
for the ruler of the kingdom who treated all ... terribly
a woman divorced from kindness
in that very moment of day

not like her
or is it>?
I think shes always been like that
but in small doses
so should I blame her?
it is her way
like I
stubborn arrogant and ignorant
genetically framed ?
or truly a mean person?
I dont know
All I know is
I Wish I was different

and i know she means well but instead
shes just really mean and she does it well

whats the point in having a white heart if no one can see it?
or in having a strong charachter if everyone gets beaten by it instead of saved
whats the point in being wise if the words are split by anger and come out deaf
in being good if the day went bad
youve been preparing for this for such a long time
and ... you failed

big time
and deep down im dissapointed in you and myself for believing in you
and worst in the way I should have put my trust in others who were kinder and sweeter and better but you didnt give them a chance and I trusted you.. so i didnt give them a chance either
feel like I have no clue no morethere is a fragile scene
one big chance to make it all perfect
all up to you to make it all perfect
life runs still as the kingdom is in her hands
and .... the population awaits to see her kindness
but a little bit of the dark witch appears
wanting magic but giving a a black plate
no, nothing, no one could say she was the right one
everything was short from my dearest loved one
and I felt I wwish I could scream
but I was locked in a room
like a treasure
now i feel without shine
for the whole day was .... priceless
without the real meaning
literally just a priceless day

except the part where all the control of my life went to someone else....

Saturday, December 28, 2013

a new day

Like a new white page that has just been opened
fresh from the past and glittering with promises
my heart runs with adrenaline seconds that will become a lifetime
its a wise moment - watching yourself become someone else

All is beautiful, I try and forget the ugly
All is wise, I ask to make haste with the dumb
for some can be like north is to south from elegance
but I want it to be on my left hand.... elegance

strange to have to sit in
but all of a sudden relaxation swifts by and I hear true music
and feel honest love
no need to be for it is done

Like an ocean washing memories away
and leaving the sand crisp at the bay
to be footprinted on whichever way
We choose

for I has become Us
and me has become him
and myself is invisible
without our

not like me to not know what to say
but the words have all run away
into the past like the way my soul has been shocked
a dream come true , all these thousands of people
coming to evidence me.. into a new era of my life

I stand at the window and see my fate put in the hands of another
not like me to be crucially un involved
a lesson? a blessing?
that life is not the way I think/// at all

bullets fly in the air
happy seconds , really flying seconds
all the people I love loving me back
even though i dont deserve

Ya Allah .... I am lost
and wanna be found
I am tired and wanna be awake
I am weak and want to be strong
I think im strong but im really ......not
so weak to emotions
so powerless to enjoy time

I once wrote my title as lost under control
I realise I am totally out of control
trying so hard to be in control of everything
but really its a part of insecurity
and  just brings misery
to be so tempted to decide everything
yesterday made me understand
its important to be lacking control sometimes

I felt like the world was mine and perfect
felt like the reasons for living were correct
and the choices for a bright future were honest
I felt nothing wrong
felt like the sun was falling down on a treasure
a new golden bond

Friday, December 13, 2013

The last time to use the picture

The last time
there is a last time for everything
sometimes you dont know it
like that was the last time i saw the old man
or that was the last time Ill ever be the same
or this is the last time i ll ever use this picture
used it for Light
it reminded me of a young girl so tormented in life
although her white soft skin could write miracles
but instead she ended up writing a far away village like Afghanistan maybe...
without the blue and the gun shot
Light... a girl who was forced to be  a woman in a child
so wrongly I wish I could beat them all over it
but i can do nothing about it
for she is wicked to me and she is angry at me and the world
like me... except I am angry at myself
I dont know what she thinks
maybe shes lucky
maybe shes happy for a while
but I know shes in a prison surrounded by these green walls
of lostt transparancy and a beautiful grandmother
maybe she would have saved us all
 no one speaks well of him and i notice there is no Allah irhamu
I know he deserves it I only find a rough spot when i think of him for he had no mercy and
no love
but no one whos passed away deserves that so Allah Irhamu wa Igfir leehu
time heals all even though I havnt felt it
Last time I saw the girl in they yello cardigan
fate meant us to meet and part at exactly the same time
instant of seconds it was all the last time
a coincidence
travelling continents airports and substances of lives meeting each other only similiar at 72 beats per minute and 12 breaths per minute to meet for the very first and last time
yellow cardigan girl she was like rotten rats inside
and nobody knew
nobody knew

that was the last thursday
and that was the last time I ever saw my room the same
life changes
and if you dont accept it  - it tears you open as you are pulled forwards and back at the same time
this is exactly what is happening to me

when will it be the last time to live at war? and feel so much pain?

wish I could just erase my soul and start writing it again

I wish i had a big rubber to erase them into white
always erasing them into white
winter white.. that golden dantelle that I fight about in my head with a priceless girl
but jasmine is expensive... I just cannot see it
its me that is worth nothing
not even a penny
wanna say the same thing again
he gives me strange advice running over the nile
nearly making an accident
I ask Allah to save me
Forgot about Allah a long time ago
but he suddewenly races through my heartbeat
cuz I wanna live
Please Allah dont let him hit us!
please let me get out safe!
I do get out safe
without a thread on me
and suddenly its back to promising myself to feel awful
as if I didnt just feel on top of the world
today is Friday the 13th and I don't wanna mention it in my condolence of memory
and weakness
I beg for nothing to happen
Ya Allah let nothing happen because I realise 13 is my lucky number but I've done everything to make it unlucky!! 
but 2013 had been amazing
and with 18 days to go
there is nothing to ask no more
my nails are sore
wanna know everything that I could possibly know
and yet I never seem to know anything
like a cloud of misery
they say hes sick 
Dont really know him but I know hes counting the days
feel sorry for myself I cant see that we can be similiar
dont want to feel like that ........ever
and yet  I feel like it everyday

wanna be a new woman every second living like the old one
dont have the money ?
dont have the time?
dont have the strength
dont have the knowledge
im a creature bald with arrogance
I am
a primitive female

wish I was covered by something

(feeling like a homeless person in winter of Sudan)
wishing there was that tropical heat once more
always wishing what I dont have/////

18 days to forever

They laugh out loud and all is well
washing dishes for the big day, today is a good day
I sauna my worries away
although they cling on to me they just wanna stay
around me and halo me instead
of an angel
they say angels are on a bride
I dont feel like I have any on me
probably true
that i dont have any , they all run away from this unfaithful disaster
 nagwa didnt come today
my skin is in a deep worry
layers and layers of yesterday
dark and twisted like the story of a misunderstood fairytale
my fairytale
its all coming true
all coming real
and yet i feel like..... steel
tough and solid
but not that kind of tough and solid
the one where the amjad driver marries 3 because of your kind
tough and solid
I say there is no ugly woman
but I am
filled with commotion and wrong distributions of red hot blood
like a devil in my system
unabke to write a case about myself
never mind others
..history repeats itself
and delay
of beauty in the mind
just repetition of laziness
and  a mindless mind
 I am alone
sometimes its good
like the times I was in the UK living next to the Queen feeling like a Queen
and sometimes its bad
jsut all alone in a house filled with people that are never close to me
and only I rely on me
im doing well
turning the brakes on and trying to stop the titanic from hitting the iceberg
reversing the pull gear
theres no time to go slow
but melting in the vapour helps
and chlorine isnt all that bad
I miss my friend
she is no longer with me
dont know what i did wrong
maybe demanding and persuasive like jewelery
but I only wanted the best thing
never meant to be so far away from my faith
an existence i hate .. heavy word
no milk in the freezer
but there is no whiteness inside me either
its just an opinion
1000,1000 and 500 pieces of 2500 parts of me going to a million houses
my name... in a million houses
all expecting to see me
.... shine
but I am a dusken loss of paradise in a fishy world
a voice blunt with fear
dont care about the exam
... I linger into madness
.............. and there are only 18 days to forever


Friday, December 6, 2013

3 metres long

somewhere along the banks of the Nile there sits a woman who had fate with a Jasmine- she ran her sowing machine until she made her a 3 metres long dress - beautiful
I know it will be beautiful but will it be .... inspired by a new princess and a faithful heart? will it be flattered by simplicity and draping in elegance - choice from long ago and melting in true honor and dedication to love and wonder that life is great and romantic.. yes its romantic
a little bit of beyonce
a spark of marylin
a mesmerising art of asi - the woman of horse and soft eyes
a blend of keyvek - infinite with black silk hair
a tremble of huyam - the woman that changed a king , tempting to the core until you cannot do anything but want her
a whisk of khadeega , innocent and in love
a portion of maryam - glistening faith and confidence -   I will not let you down
 and a whole of hope - the woman who cannot be anything but desire to be amazing
and accepted in heaven - and there is no comparison
except that extravagance is not in anything but the holder of a pure heart
extravagance is not in anything but the smart mind
extravagance is in everything in you and yet you always ponder in its invisibility
and never question the reason why youre alive without its lamps
shining like you had light all over your body - from doing the right thing
you always love engulfing in the differences between those stubborn, lost and arrogant
are you not arrogant? always fishing out your blessings like they were the punishments on others
like only you deserve their touch
like only you know how to deal with them

( to be continued)...

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The last chapter

As this year comes to a close, I try scrape my forgotten memory and break free
This year was beautiful but I did so many things to make it ugly
THis year was life changing but I did so many things to not change my life around
this year was a dream come true but i did so many things to lose the extravangance of those four words
a dream come true
This year was religionless
yes I lost my faith somewhere -Last time I saw it was Ramadan 2012
I dont know how Ill remember 2013 happy or sad from myself

To be continued

Where am I?

or exceptional identity

I dont want to forget everything that I am - Ya Allah zakirni - Ya Allah dont let me be a terrible person -a woman with thorns only hurting herself for as she sits she stings and she walks she is sharp and she lies down she pinpoints with pain and as she talks she flings knives -- --

Azans try break to enter inside i am a tough piece of skin - a mobile existence barely living - I am unsure of my capabilities and must be reminded of htem everyday - I must be compared with others to have a single cell of confidence and I am a clone of a dark shadow

I miss my friend  - we used to write to each other and one of us forgot - dont know which one but all I remember is the gym and the brunch coffees - always a deal - but now no more - missing who I was

Fatma is a lead woman - getting up at 6 i nthe morning to come into town to clean peoples houses and having an uplifting personality as if she was in the UK with a great job , her own apartment, and lots of money to buy things she doenst need - super happy and super hardworking - because at 5.30 in the evening she has a class for the illiterate to learn to read and write - arabic, english and maths - but before she goes she brings down any dry laundry from the sitooh

I see the negativities in others like bright sparks - but never to help or to fix within myself - always to bring down and to overjoy in how I dont do those things - then i must be better - its just a different sin maybe your are greater - Comparison like chocolate flakes but instead of being cool and soft on my skin they burn me like a waft of a dream gone wrong

200 to travel , she falls of the wagon, and gets on the norm, I am heartbroken and shy - I am tragic and pathetic for I compared myself to a leafless tree - maybe beautiful but definitely bare - I dont want to be bare or leafless and now I am crude oil - expensive -

20 for fruit, 22 for vegetable if I eat all that i got will I be a new woman? will all those vitamins and minerals deextend me and reshape me into that faithful woman with a great memory - Ya Allah  I lost my memory - but I wont let you down - I will go search for it until I find it - in every police station I have to -

its ironic to race a car amazingly in a movie and die in one in reality - but its not ironic that fairytales and unreal and reality is - but its not true that fairytales are wonderful and reality is scarce -no reality can be amazing, young, true , meaningful, encouraging, open, wonderful and mesmerising - the same feelings you get in a film, just without the lies and with a prayer mat, and a Quran, your Quran on the side

Cant trust anyone but yourself but I dont even trust myself no more - a heavy calamity I am and today is the 5th - where is the answer and why hasnt it been released yet? where is the answer - oh Allah where is the answer? i know there is an answer to every solution - is it that I dont deserve it yet - is it tehre and I cant see it? what must I change to see it? what must I do to feel it?

that unity with my heart and soul for I truly am a fragmented response to nothing - alert and asleep - strong and shattered, wise and dumb - what differs me from Fatma is nothing short of her being better and happier

what differs me from blessing is everything far but me enjoying the beautiful and delicious details Allah designed my life with

What differs me from purity is a dream and reality - for in the dream I am pure - and in relaity its just painful to watch -

What differs me from the woman I am and the woman I want to become is a black substance that regretfully holds me apart and together barely living and in a cloud of forgetfullness that once I held my Life in my own hands and made my own choices and created my own wonderful and prosperous identity- once I was like a kingdom and my fairytale meant something and was everything - down to the detail

the scent of beauty - smooth , the sound of faith, like the most beautiful tune - just this chandelier of honesty and gratitude and love for God is what i wanted to be all lit up and held up by that  non gravitational force of being a true soul - a soul that knows what its doing a soul not afraid to look at its own self no afraid of contradiction not afraid of time not afraid of thoughts not afraid of others

To be continued

Saturday, November 30, 2013

its up to you

will we give it a try?
one last eenie beetsie weenie try
one thats worth a fight 
and worth some fun
and worth some sun
in the heart of the one you lvoe the most
shall we try for the very very last time?
to break free?

Friday, November 29, 2013

Before you worry, pray

I dont listen before I act
I react so much earlier before I think
I always spend without even knowing how much I earn
I am the worst criticiser of others and myself never giving a seconds chance to wait
I never forgive before I pray or after I pray or anything
I always quit well before I try

if I listened before i acted I Would be quieter and wiser
if i thought before I reacted i would be at peace with myself
if I earned and saved i would have afoundation for the future
if i waited before i criticised I would be kinder and I would feel clean from the bottom of my heart
if i forgave myself and others before i prayed then my prayer would have meaning and my life would be lighter
if i tried and never quit then everything i dreamt of would come true

34 days until forever....

and i Feel like an exam i havnt studied for
yet  I know all the answers
why should it be so hard>?
to be so perfect?
african sauna lingers in the background on a canope of another  sleeping  friday
and everyday
the waft of tradition finally touches my skin
glowing dark blissful, hard, energetic, strange, and .... into forever
I am reminded of the new step ive taken and the new girl im turning into
why then should i be unhappy with myself?
why should be worried or unsure of what I really can do?
can I really not do all that I want?
african sauna came true
patience without knowing
why should it all  be so hard?
or is it an ashy soul
that hasnt tasted true cake or true confidence.

is it so?

The golden secret

no longer a secret>?
but wait

for me a spray of this golden liquid is a poweful transclucency into the mesmerising past
a past drowned like the titanic , thousands of miles down in the years of time and yet its very delicious name brings meaning back as if it all just happened  today...
there is no going back , no making it all alive again, no living it all again
there is only the waft of remembering , the peace of existing in my own memory through a spray
of the 5 number to history - I am portaled into an existence that opens up my pores and makes me linger to become a queen... a Sudanese Queen
only I know that magical secret
only I know its the key to a beautiful dream - as glorious as  the sensational titanic
the way in the movie the sun pours throught the blackness and the pine wood of deck chairs and sun doors gleams exploding with freshenss and magnificence
noone knows this bottle is the golden secret that opens the sundoors to my grandmothers veranda
wardrobes locking treasures , kitchen cupboards holding english earl grey with rose drawn teacups and sterling silver, imported only to her evening tea tray , jam eaten with scrambled egg... a divine intervention, cadburys cocoa transported to my grandmothers freezer - unique brown royal to Sudan, fresh homemade custard, glistening yellow waiting for dessert at 2pm maybe with jelly, maybe with cream - and Chanel no 5 - always the last thing from a Heathrow airport - a bottle of chanel no 5
her perfume of life, of love, of elegance,and of knowledge that there is a better world - a sweeter world , an elegant world, a magical world, a world of bliss, and calm, a world of meaning, and submergence in all that is Good.
so it is a secret
the spray of a chanel no 5 - a powerful secret only I know about
the golden liquid the link between I and my grandmother... another secret in my heart

(waiting to be beautiful, elegant, intoxicating, and secretive)... to be continued

she dreamt of a devil...

where is this road im so desperate to walk on
never quitting to find ...but the severity slopes
is it a high road? a long road? a wide road? or a road that doesnt exist?
im looking for the road where i am happy, sure of myself, proud, strong, innocent, pure, kind
yes on wither side there are flowers and plants and high trees covering me from wrong existence or worse.. useless time
this road has meaning - the one im searching for
has smooth black surfaces with clear directions where to go
stop signs to pray on time and hotel signs to sleep right and eat healthy
it has all the right speeds and all the right directions to take you exactly where you want to go
which is heaven
yes I want to go to heaven
looking for the road to take me
since im certain im certainly not on the right track
she dreamt her daughter and she saw a devil
my mind leaks to a scarier image..
I am the .. one they fear

not being dramatic but my mind asks the questions
have my actions been any less than a devils drive?
have they been any better than a devils promise?
what am i? but the follower of something tragic
 the details of something pathetic
I must be better
have things that others dont have
i must talk about being better
and act about being better
never genuine about being better

god its sooooo strange
how beautiful a woman I was just a short while ago
a second ago, a year ago
memories of robbers, of drunks, and of possible bombers!

but there were also memories of yaseen every morning before the train
the olympics being on and the queen coming to visit... and I forgetting the fireworks and just praying to Allah
he was my fireworks

was it all about nothing?
was it just a dream?
can I really not be a good person if Im not in the place im not in?

must I always be waiting for a different place
to achieve the truth?
I wonder how close that devil is to me?
that she saw in her dreaM?
sometimes I think it was mine and got bored of me
went to play with the minds of others

for I feel so held back
so lost
so tormented by inability to achieve
to love Allah the right way
to be comfortable with who i am
to adore what i have achieved
and to pray to acheive better
to be content with what i have
to want more only on what is on the road to heaven
want more of prayer, tasbeeh, love, honesty, patience, study, honour and

I have lost the touch of sensuality
that woman praying so beautifully in a UK star night
from a small apartment
and the Queen so near...
that girl ...
is burning into ash


Thursday, November 21, 2013

they say angels are around her ,,,

feeling like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, could it be? my wings are just about done?
havnt been up this early for a long time , and suddenly the power of 5.42 Fajr azans sweetly push me out of oppression. i am no longer the woman I used to know. I am powerful and strong, energised and young.the Light gets brighter every minute as the blackness in my heart dissolves.
it really is coming back to me, how i used to be, or wiser... what i really am... better
scambled egg with melting madafara I am new and  still as I open up my heart this morning. 
Life has meaning 
i no longer want to be lonely , and I know being lonely can be even if your surrounded by everyone
running away from myself is what Ive been doing
I need to be kinder or I will never be happier, beginning with myself
and as the city wakes up I wake up too , from a long long sleep
put my feet together today 
she tells me - that fast dancing has ruined yoU!
maybe shes right 
maybe all ive done has ruined me and left me cracked
I knew dancing was the most beautiful option and now learning has brought me forwards a deep way
I learn how to put my feet together , how to be soft, how to be queit and yet powerful at the same time, how to be in control,  how to be extravagant without being quick - no that is not the secret
and as I slowly feel transformed into listening to the rhythm , something else connects
like a plug that has been disconnected
I dont want to hate myself anymore
I dont want to be at war
or confusion and I Dont want to waste any more time
or tears
 Today is a day without denial and with every cell of identity
I love myself today , not going to ridicule, prevent, avoid, or forbid myself today 
am going to enjoy, respect, lavish, and secure myself today 
and everyday inshallah 

all in the right time 
no more denial 
no more obstruction of yesterday into now
no more pain
no more fear
no more instability of crude emotion
no more sadness
no more descriptions of madness

just me 
what  I am , not what I want to be
what I See, not what  I want to see
what I want from Life to me, not what life takes from me 
how faith sets me free, not how I give my life away for free
just me 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Marylin in Hope (5)

Pretty Lady
her eyes dance with flavor
and her skin melts with pain
I wonder have I taken my life in vain
all those young heartbeats 
 just cruising in the mess
I dont know why im not up to the test
of time.... 
Sweet Lady
what are you thinking of?
and what do you want?
why do you imagine a woman so heavy
with nothing
and why can you never feel that burning woman
inside you
you always write waiting
just waiting
just dying to come out
as if one day you find the key
and open and let her out
the woman inside you
I know
but have you ever considered
the door is open
and the key has already done its job
and that girl is still inside
but not yet free


Saturday, November 16, 2013

Belated Happy new year

Belated congratulations
Belated promises and tries
nearly 2 weeks now I should have placed this on my heart
before my blog
but forgot
and further fell
deeper in last year and a new empty one

cleaning out my desktop
should I trash it?
is it too late to post it
and think about it
and do with it
like  a new piece of clothes
or a new ring
wearing it sexily and honestly
doing everything
bravely and couragously
even if theres mud on the road

should I post it and try again?
even if IM LATE
im always late
 but should I post it
like the message im posting on my heart

never give up.....
on Allah
or on yourself
or in your good soul
and your healthy mind
and your confident beautiful kind sexy and wonderful heart


repeat or first episode?

Pink, Gold, , Multi and Red
Beautifully meant
wanna be like a flower
wanna be like a geisha
wanna be like a disco
wanna be like a classic

Sudanese woman
 A European standard
An oriental tradition
A heart mending thing

Wanna be simple
elegant and good

yes wanna be good
I can be

wanna be the merge of my own combination
and this secretive explanation
wanna be a seductive melting of whispers and explosions

Gold, Black, Silver and Gold
wanna be different

wanna silence all those days I was alone
and wanna welcome all those days i wont be

so now tell me .... will you repeat the same mistake twice? and twice plus a million times?

Try for the last time 2

Theres a woman inside me gonna break free
its about time the prisoner was set free
theres a hope within me dying to be right
but been living without truth and unable to fight
or is it didnt want to fight
been feeding devils and wondered why so hungry
been providing for them and wondered why so busy
without product
felt like a by product
of surrender
couldnt feel myself, my hopes and my dreams
all in a shadow behind their cloud of black
covering me and tangling me till I couldnt see the track

There s a woman inside me gonna show the world
my world it can be better and it will be better
and its always been better
and ..lighter

except now
lighter from sin
from lack of effort and
from fear
lighter from fear
and lighter from a heavy soul

for im tired of carrying all this weight in my soul
unalbe to let it shine
unable to let it gleam
unable to let it drive me into existence

all this time been waiting int he heat for the gates to open to a day I can see on the other side
but never seem to get a visa stamped to get htere
and it doesnt mattter what passport i have
or what imagination i own
i never fill the application right
and so i just stand while others pull up and pull through
and on the way I ask
oh how did you do it!
I never listen to their answer
I always wander at how whatever their answer is I could have done it but never did

theres a woman inside me
gonna try again
try again for the last time and the right time


Friday, November 15, 2013

insane without God

sick of saying the same thing
and never meaning anything
sick of being someone I dont want to be
looking at the same old me
useless and confused
and unable to remember like my brains been abused
sick of feeling like a tormented crowded soul
in my own land i have lost battle of control
sick of waking up each and everyday
as if theres nothing more today
just the same big cracks
and the exact same tastes
and the identical hastes to time
sick of bleeding all my self
and becoming someone Im allergic to
and have no connection to
and have no relation to at all

yes Im living with myself and dont know
anything about
am sharing the same soul and dont know
what time it comes in at night
and what its doing
no I have no clue and its all behind my back
a secretive clever attack... really

sick of the woman ive become
a tarnished thing just gone
nowhere can I feel, see, hear , or understand who I am
sick of the blunt body I have
and the sharp eyes that scrape
and the irritation inside me
that breaks... shadows into two
and reflections into 4
each one driven to a direction
as far away from the centre as possible

sick of the stretch of time im in
always leaving things without an end
just stupid enough to think ill blend
behind someone theyll let me in

and until then Ill be gutting out my words against
them all
for im the best and they all fall

and the monster inside me will point and laugh
ha! im the best one around and your all just a draft
of a devils catch

but the truth is im the devils fish
for dinner
smelling rotten but herbed with garlic and thyme
and ill be eaten like a beautiful rhyme
flavoured into insanity
for insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results

and so I must be insane

sick of being insane............

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I dont know why?

I don't know why you wanna throw your life away breaking it in pieces like it didn't mean anything
just a piece of glass you didn't want
crash! and clean it all away like it was never there
I don't know why you think your life is worthless like a piece of garbage you live it
defend-lessly and cheaply it wasn't there - like it didn't live with you and help you
like it didn't save you or make you
a girl of wonder
just a life... just something you can forget about it
like its just there
a priceless entity that you own but don't want
and so you cry....
and so you try die a million times each night
and so you live without passion
and so you pretend

hit . hit it all out.

paying money to be hit
I think maybe this is the way out
but then as usual I ruin it by
my ego and hard core feelings
oh no one knows anything but me
... i just hate how I think sometimes
sometimes Im large and confident
and sometimes Im small and stupid
and now Im the latter

missing that strong woman inside me
that put a steel hand and stopped the world
now im like butter feeling it around me choking and melting all at once
cant breathe out of my sins
and cant smell but dirt and fascist lies
a woman within is not the same in her outer ring
just a band of ... trauma
and now Im sad

cuz im becoming 2 persons
the one ive always dreamed to be
and the one I want to deny
a monster hope
filed with old rgrets and new guilt
everyday something new
to ponder in its blackness
sucking me to where i dont want to go


and suddenly

the beat of the drum deafens the devil inside me and wakes up my aching soul

to be continued....

Monday, November 4, 2013

Tommorow the new year

Sort of like a hidden contest that I could win
a secretive door that  Icould open
that nobody knows but me
for suddenly instead of being given one chance to try again I have another chance
its funny how when you think that its 2013 but its reall 1435
and that means that we really are in the old ages
we are the ancestors and we are the ones to be written in history
we are history
when its 2013 in true time and true date
where will muslims be?
where will Sudan be?
where will I  be?

all very hard questions
all questions I cannot answer
all giving me an image that really there is nothing more important but to remember faith and God

so why then have you stopped raising the alarm? and why have you stopped waking up
its not that early you know
I hope God makes it happy and I make it worthwhile


Saturday, November 2, 2013

Gold or Dust?

Imagine if you had the keys to open your mind 
and portal through extravagant  flavours of everything
you could ever imagine just be anyone you want to be
imagine if you could breathe the air to make you healthy
and live every cell understanding why youre here 
and living for a pure and honest reason
to lvoe God and to make him happy
imagine if goals were simple and truth was wonderful
imagine if you could honour your body and obey your freedom
be who you want 
imagine if you never had to think about regrets or guilt or wasted time
time would lying on the floor from your energetic battle , you the sword in your hand
imagine if all your time was like Gold
each second u used wisely turned to gold
each one you wasted 
turned to dust?
how much Gold or dust would you have?

your advice

Live pure

How close are you?

Dark suggestions seriously surround me and demand from me - the loss of a woman centred on faith
Now having lost my fulcrum i become aggressive and pointless
trying to prove a point
and yet....I am better than this

yesterday even though I wasnt flying I remembered the power of travelling and Living amongst heather
somewhere there lives a woman sweet with brown hair and has a lovely kitchen yet shes young - would never think like I do or fight like I do or shout like i do or ...break like I do

 I remember the lovely colours in shops and how my life is originally

closer to being a good woman than it is to being a terrible one
I am a good woman

and yet I look at my actions and I see a just pieces of an uncollected traveller  screaming about pointless things and living a life so so so worth living
almost like its too good a life for me and so the devil tells me you dont deserve
and  I believe
to look at others with interest and even the simplest things become extravagant in others

I forget god is close to me
life is close health time effort youth modernity education
me, the hope that knows about things and God gave her a chance to always be free

yet she choose to lock her self up like a stroke - feeling paralysed and unable to speak freely or move...

isnt it the same>
? youre acting like youve been given illness

instead of love freedom , wisdom, chance
oh God soo much chance

dance, colour, time, education, love, travel, family, beauty, and most importantly
to choose who you can be

,... God chose to be close to you , closer than your jugular vein
why do you choose to be farther than the farthest country from you to him now?

well.. .Hope the solution is 

in you and your good memories and to bring back your good faith, and good words, good behaviour and good motivation, good strength and your goodtime
use your time wisely and let your life mean something
let it be something
hold it and dont let it hold you
hold yourself and dont let other s hold you
be strong even though that may mean you have to be weak
be wise
never give up
ever ..........

1435 and a modern thought

Now ...2 or 3 days,,,
Less now - so how about it - ANOTHER chance that God has given you
and itsa bittersweet chance
a secretive jewel
a hidden clock with more time found
a sweet sweet with no calories
a delicious chocolate when you reach that day
just imagine the perfect timing
a present today that you never imagined would come

a new year is coming at a new beginning and a last chance
so how about you get up from the rubble of yesterday and spider solitaire
and walk to the shower believing that you can come out clean by just one healthy prayer
and start dancing your mess away until you carve all your unintentional and blind sighted dark substitutions with fate
and start reminiscing of a Hope that was one a memory like a horse and wants a future like a peacock
velvety rare nature and king personality

This November is to remember ..what an only chance really means

If you remember that November is your only chance,,, and its a beautiful chance
one filled with Glitter and Dance
so Dance into your dreams and stop watching them from afar
I know you can, but  I want you to show me that you will
dont let the month chase you
and catch
its golden moment
and sparkling days
This November ..let each day mean something
and hold something
and say something
and when there is a highlight day , like next thursday
then you also be a highlight
be the spotlight and not the dark spot in the corner

remember how strong you are
and confident you are
and sweet you are
remember how faithful you are

Monday, October 28, 2013

Message 15 and M & A 16

In an Emergency.......

on a real happy day things went a little crazy
and I felt for an instant everything was really wrong
although I knew the bond between us was really strong
I hated all that was happening and I hated the scene
questioned if our connection was just too obscene
and for the first time didn't know where we were going....

to be continued

Friday, October 25, 2013

too blessed to be stressed

Never read, heard, or typed that rhyme before
yet its so simple to realise 
so easy to coordinate and i cant just believe how it suddenly struck me like it was breaking news
when I count how many blessings I have , when I think about how many actions I do without stress, without illness , or disruption - as once in a library I remember distinctly the words coming out of my mouth
'wow its really hard to be healthy'
after realising how many dramatic illnesses that can conquer a human being
and yet after understanding that I was precious
 I was still stressed
and have continued to be
not stopping to believe for a moment how
blessed I fanatically am

when I look at all the times I waste and yet they just keep coming back - each time  a further Golden moment in my life that possibly could be perfect if  Ijust seized the day
Its funny how I stress to try remember how blessed I am
as if worry and poverty of mind are my only blessings
as If All I see is madness and chaos, fear and repetitions of failure - right now these are my only blessings
oh and wasting time and the inability to love God

I am a Hopeless monster who is a pathetic small thing not realising how many blessings she has to appreciate and so I deserve the ground of stress underneath me solid  as If I was on a cross trainer but never sweating or losing an inch of devil..from me


Echoes in my mind_ (The first time)

The first time something happened was when  I danced amidst my exams 4 hours a day...or more to Dirty Dancing Havana Nights and much more - I did more than i could ever imagine

The first time something happened was when I discovered he woke up at 5.30 am to pray alSubuh on time and then start studying

 I went to the 4 rth floor that day and stared at the beautiful sky just before dawn listening to the near by mosque telling me that life only begins when you're content with yourself =
all because of him

Now.. I know somethings happened when I realised Ive tried everything - I have this one solution left - to stop hearing myself and start hearing the words of kind and sweet faith

Its time to let go of my familiarities a little and start entering a realm ive never stepped into - filled with expensive patterns that mean the galaxies combined

and maybe God - has given me this undreamt and realistically cut opportunity to sharpen my true soul and outline the echoes in my mind to surrender in the fine thin line that is

who I was before the table... of Life

Message 14

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Message 13

Wishing my new Sun, Moon & Stars was by my side

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

(POW)_ What a target of meaning...

I suddenly feel very dirty and really want to pray......

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


Stop screaming inside your heard and learn thoese beautiful traits from the five Queens in Islam not laziness, from the devil
the most humble, advanced, models of life
Creative women, happy women, trustworthy women, oh kind women,
those women knew what they wanted and what they lived for and what they would die for
and what made them individual and what made them love and what made them
Queens for Allah's faith
oh imagine what it would be to be a woman that is sure of herself. knows she smart, knows shes doing the right things, knows she would never do the wrong things. imagine that woman who knows she wouldnt miss al fajr
because everytime she sleeps or worse wakes up but doesnt pray
its like tearing a piece of her humanity
but that is just a degrading level
imagine a woman who wakes for Fajr without delay
imagine a woman who wears modest for faith and not for anyone
just to keep her body safe
imagine a woman who doesnt have negativities geared towards herself
no she would never harm herself so
should would only pray, read Qu'ran and be magical in her soul
never obstructive to a worthy cause
only deserving of the expensive air she breathes

now imagine a woman who is in massive debt
for her life is perfect and yet she acts like she wants to return it
if you close your eyes
you can see the devils surround her
near her
playing with her
and beating her
the time
you can see their drool falling on her face as she snores through the dawn
you can smell their hazardous waste corrode her identity
you can feel their carved madness etched on her soul
you can not deny their collections around her
for shes already missing a prayer
late more than 24 hours
imagine how much debt that is

imagine a woman whos whole life is surrounded on focusing on others...

imagine a woman whos whole life is focused on finishing things in the last second

imagine a woman who life is dramaless yet the voice of drama fulfills her into blackness
just a void
is where she is contained


to read 40 years from now....

and so you wait until you shrivel into a secretive mess
dying inside like you never knew the taste of life
like you never breathed , or you never drank
cool air
water of your veins just stops
and you are forgotten ..
you forget yourself

you become this unhuman who just waits for something to happen
just something to happen
until then
red and green cards can fill the gap
diamonds and spades can be your obedience

while you wait for the right time

the right thing to do
the right place to be
the right hope to feel

you can just wait until that time comes

its probably tommorow
thats when its going to happen
and if not
then just say
its probably tommorow
and if not just say
its probably tommorow
and if not just say
its probably tommorow
and if not just say
its probably tommorow

20 years pass
will you still be in the same place a master of hearts?
while you wait for tommorow to come?
that tommorow where you are a new you
a stronger
a better
more demanding of yourself
hard working
or will you have maybe forgotten that dream
because you would have realised
that tommorow will never come
because it was always there
you just never saw...or tried to reach out

40 years pass
time runs still
maybe time means something now
every second that runs by is important
and you wish you could collect all the time
but time runs so fast and you just wish

just wish... 40 years ago you didnt wait for tommorow and instead you enetered into today
and now
so you could change your future

so which one will it be?


(POW)_ Time is digging your grave

Are you watching?

Monday, October 21, 2013

(POW)_ A man wanting to consume the world

but the world consumed him
from the inside out and consumed him
until he was aflame with youth burnt to the stalk
and ridiculed with the desire to be invincible
but the truth is
he is the most invisible man i know
and no bling can make him shine
for he ate all wrong and poisoned his heart
and he tried to hold all years flavouring them with the battery of health and the magic of youth
but nothing can make better taste the splotch of waste hes placed ...
and I can see it in his eyes
a twinkle of despair from the soul
and I Can see it in his name
a king lost as a victim of opposite buried


Echoes in my mind_ (Dont begin)

Its not a fair game to compare your mistakes with others... for their mistakes are individual,... entertained by their genetics, environments, beliefs, habits, traits, fears, failures, and love... for everyone wants love and protection of it, everyone needs to feel secure and everyone needs to know that love comes to them - sometimes they must go pursue it without consequence and except Allah , we don't have the right to be consumed in their wrong
and everyone does mistakes... the worst .. being not believing in Allah and how he is so kind and good to you - his creation -

its not the way to cheer you up - just because you hear others are full of dirt and falling deeper and deeper in sin - I feel sorry for them - yes - but using their weakness for your added strength is
like a vampire wish
and feeding on the  bloody ways of others is not the way to live a life
for you must be fair to yourself first and to do that you must stop watching others and search for the blackness inside you - to be fair to yourself you must be judgmental on your personal blacknesses
and to be fair you must be wise upon yourself to find the solutions and carry them out - not just hover over others possibilities to save themselves

you must find your own regrets and your own reasons that brought you to who you are today
and not why others got to where they are today
stop looking at the holes in others for one day they may sow themselves but you will still be leaking.....

The design of my life 3

Love of fun and faith
tuna candles... one could call them!
but I like to be more intricate in letters and call it
design of life and circular attention of gentle light
 and new falls of 
in a place... tempting
with burnt orange
... and painted lust
for i trust 
his hanging grandeur to hold me in place
and I want to be together with him
designing and creating 
what could also be called
pineapple candles...
what a sweet man
Im so glad God put him in my plan

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -