Saturday, November 2, 2013

How close are you?

Dark suggestions seriously surround me and demand from me - the loss of a woman centred on faith
Now having lost my fulcrum i become aggressive and pointless
trying to prove a point
and yet....I am better than this

yesterday even though I wasnt flying I remembered the power of travelling and Living amongst heather
somewhere there lives a woman sweet with brown hair and has a lovely kitchen yet shes young - would never think like I do or fight like I do or shout like i do or ...break like I do

 I remember the lovely colours in shops and how my life is originally

closer to being a good woman than it is to being a terrible one
I am a good woman

and yet I look at my actions and I see a just pieces of an uncollected traveller  screaming about pointless things and living a life so so so worth living
almost like its too good a life for me and so the devil tells me you dont deserve
and  I believe
to look at others with interest and even the simplest things become extravagant in others

I forget god is close to me
life is close health time effort youth modernity education
me, the hope that knows about things and God gave her a chance to always be free

yet she choose to lock her self up like a stroke - feeling paralysed and unable to speak freely or move...

isnt it the same>
? youre acting like youve been given illness

instead of love freedom , wisdom, chance
oh God soo much chance

dance, colour, time, education, love, travel, family, beauty, and most importantly
to choose who you can be

,... God chose to be close to you , closer than your jugular vein
why do you choose to be farther than the farthest country from you to him now?

well.. .Hope the solution is 

in you and your good memories and to bring back your good faith, and good words, good behaviour and good motivation, good strength and your goodtime
use your time wisely and let your life mean something
let it be something
hold it and dont let it hold you
hold yourself and dont let other s hold you
be strong even though that may mean you have to be weak
be wise
never give up
ever ..........

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -