hit . hit it all out.

paying money to be hit
I think maybe this is the way out
but then as usual I ruin it by
my ego and hard core feelings
oh no one knows anything but me
... i just hate how I think sometimes
sometimes Im large and confident
and sometimes Im small and stupid
and now Im the latter



missing that strong woman inside me
that put a steel hand and stopped the world
now im like butter feeling it around me choking and melting all at once
cant breathe out of my sins
and cant smell but dirt and fascist lies
a woman within is not the same in her outer ring
just a band of ... trauma
and now Im sad


cuz im becoming 2 persons
the one ive always dreamed to be
and the one I want to deny
a monster hope
filed with old rgrets and new guilt
everyday something new
to ponder in its blackness
sucking me to where i dont want to go

/...
sadness


and suddenly

the beat of the drum deafens the devil inside me and wakes up my aching soul

to be continued....