Sunday, February 21, 2010

untitled morning

If you were a stranger reading my affections you would think I was a warm affectionate woman wih lack of reason except for silly passion and violent love

but in reality all I am is a lost ugly woman, dissatisfied with the world and everything in it
for the pleasures in contradiction exceed my knowledge and superiority to do wrong
I am ill with pain and mistakes failing everytime to reason with the consequence of my attidudes to play with the misfortunes of impatience I am urged to delight in disgrace and face the problem the next morning
for in the wilderness of my emotions and the trepidations of my devotions i feel nothing but lack of hope
I have no hope anymore for someone or something to go right
I feel like I have become a hopeless creature with no control over sanity or any amenities against a fair and pleasant faith - rather i cannot dispose of my wicked disagreeable conquest of lies - the truth when told is very grand indeed
there is no way i can bare to think the suffering of disastrous sentences and illiterate meanings opening our family chains of wondrous strength
I pardon myself to take ability and try the ill favour of managing the time myself - alone for help in this criteria asks for nothing
yet I am finding out each day that I am too weak and disfortunate to part take in this secret, I have discovered that everyday it gets bigger and stronger for me to handle
everyday it grabs a hold of an alive chapter in me and darkens the world
everyday it blocks my future farther in the past
everyday it takes me places I wish to not go
everyday I am withheld by the proposals of my sadness
for the truth when told, makes the rest a lie
I am engaged with getting engaged with solid maddening findings
as if I did not know what everything meant
but i confess
I do not know what everything means
why is it so
why it is a hidden catastrophe coming about everywhere i think and do
so tell me pray
how can i think and do when my mind is only flavoured with discouragement and dissatisfaction with the world and everything in it

________________the above can be translated into

I have a secret I cannot tell anyone. It is not about me, rather about a family waiting to be brokwn - I imagine everyday the chains and drains that family would have to endure if a secret ever came out - I know - I heard -I even saw - so
I must keep the pain and truth behind the future everyday in the hope that it will never come out
for if it did
i do not know what would happen - or rather I dare to say if what i thought of did happen i think my life would disintegrate
and so in keeping this secret I am chained
I am suffocating
i am magnified by ill treasure
I am tired of my mistakes and failures
i am ashamed of my lack of responsibilty and fair attempt to try challenges
i am dissapointed at everything I do and everything I am
I am utterly and completely broken

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Quran - i never want to let go ever again

When I read quran it changes my soul

when i read Quran - I no longer fall

when i read quran my heart becomes mine

when i read quran my life is just fine

When i see all the words my world makes sense

when I see all the words I am no longer tense

when i see all the words meanings become strong

when I see all the words I am someone

When I hear all the sounds my time is in tune

when i hear all the sounds I stop hearing doom
when I hear all the sounds I hear connection

when I hear all the sounds I feel suspension

into an imaginative delicacy of fine intricate heavenly detail, touching the hope of the intervention of something so real and universally applicated onto this worlds latched consequence - I am intentionally involved within the creations of prophets, and villages, peoples mistakes and takes and fakes and lakes of purity and delvings into hell - - I tense with the feeling of losing everything I own and am given - like precious paradise and rivers under houses and gardens of green silk treasures and beautiful people and gods love

its like the translation of what everyone wants and what everyone needs and what everyone desires -

i translate the readings of the beloved quran

flowering cycles of my life open true love

for i thought I knew love -

I thought i wanted love

i thought i knew everything

but flowering cycles of the quran show me

all i want is

to read beautifully

to read continously

to read willingly

to read with ability

to never let go

ever again

Monday, February 15, 2010

Khartoum heartbreak, disaster outbreaks

This is a disaster

I mean,

I sit here and dream of finding the nile grow day by day like a newborn invested in my heart - healing heart amongst the bridges of carressing night african stars and traffic hustle of deepness , the dampness of the ravishing waters comes to my desires, swiftly taking my breath away - for I dream that I find coffee dawns in ozone paradise and true affairs in the middle of tribal connections - amidst the wafers of bliss I am sandwiched into happinness and madness for love of a country and twined hotels, lavishing the sky - - their windows act like a balcony into where I am so far away - yet I close my eyes- i close my eyes and i am standing over khartoums song - over khartoums heartbeat - over khartoums love for me- for if i was to have an affair - i would be with sudan- it would be the secrets of the streets and the people and the poor thriving rich into my emotions - somehwere I get lost in urban shops and boutiques unknown and people black with soot of a tired day - in there I find a home - filled with trees and a family and faith that time is created for my adeventure and venture into the forest of lust for an evening sleepover - -for if i was to know - i would know that my country would never leave me - i have been betraying -yes - so betraying it hurts so bad like hell- I feel like i ripped out my own mind and left it bleeding in the heat of a terresterial storm of love - serials of cermonies come agonising to find me for i have lost the beauty outside and inside - everything shows so well so clear - like the dampness in the nile in my dream- I just want to touch it - thats all

Friday, February 12, 2010

Watch your fears, they become thoughts...

Watch your thoughts, they become words

Watch your words, they become actions

Watch your actions, they become habits

Watch your habits, they become charachter

Watch your charachter, they become destiny

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I never usually 42_just acting

I'm so close to letting my heart speak without words and then i remember

how more blazing the fire inside me would get

i would have just another pain on my mind

how someone would know what is happening inside me

you see, secrets are disastrous

embedding hurt like pillows of comfort

sleeping over my noisy tears, is hard


could tell some one and maybe they could help

but then i remember how much more anger would be inside me that i wasnt strong enough

that i wasnt good enough

to keep strong

angels fell down the river while the revolutionised watied for 5 years without as such a word

I could be weak and forget it all

just fall

or i could be strong

realy strong

but right now

im not really living at all




Tuesday, February 9, 2010

they say, your eyes....

they say your eyes dont look good , like they fell through the reminiscence of a hole in your memories, they took the pain and asked for the poles of frozen enquiries , pupils learning from the troubled inquisitions of fantasy vision - they say , you eyes look like your tired as if they saw me running through the forests of anguishing discovery and the lakes of pooling drama, they saw me fighting a war that lingered for nights and days beginning like a small quarel and ending with destruction catastrophically unknown secretive temptations - they say, your eyes look as if youve been sick - like they felt the weakness in my heart and mind - they saw my anger breaking my body, they saw the tears falling through my life - they say, your eyes looked better before - like before i was here -seeing the quest end and the treasure robbed and the jewels taken - of a families name - they say, your eyes look red - like the rubys gone and the blood drawn and the magic passion devils own brought alive with the mess in my soul

Monday, February 8, 2010

you act and i act, the forces of a lie

Say something and mean something else
be someone and try something new
love someone but have others
love others and keep drawing
lie a little and ignore the meaning
meaning you lie to keep living
lie to yourself and think invincible
lie a little more , your ways are invisible
go now and call me
call me everyday and I will call you
at a number i never knew
i never knew you
until yesterday and the day before the
day today
I thought it was all a lie
like how i live my life
but its so real so real i obey the lie
white lies, dark lies, purple lies
all lies
harbour in me for i have asked
and searched and found
your lie devils the right
your lie withers the flowers
your lie breaks my heart
your lie knocks me to the ground
your lie makes me forget how to live
your lie changes everything
until yesterday, the day before
the day today
will i live like this everyday
living in your lie
living in my lie
living in a lie
living with all these lies
how many lies will i have to bare
how many lies will i have to not share
how many lies until i change me
for you have changed me
i act like nothing has happened
i talk like nothing like has happened
like nothing has happened at all

Sunday, February 7, 2010

palace breakdown

New change in a new time, the streets fall apart for me to walk on - I try and reminisce on broken aspirations that were once golden with the future- administrating the whispers of a taken moment of love - i flew over skies in my dreams to reach you

wanting and wishing everything was right - i could cover the fantasies and the wind - i could become the angels and the satin from hind
asking for precious stones in your blood to give me away
nothing could take away the sand on my feet - from paradise bells of history

it was all history

now - i ponder upon washed palaces being built far from my mind
trembling my souls distance with time
i am supposed to live in curiosity where secrets build the walls and stairs crumble beneath me
its a wondrous palace
filled with hope and happiness and kasals of castles - the father of all
the mother of all


the feeling that you will not fall where someone has you holding your hand and you trust

you trust

they will never let go

gardens blissfully grow and i imagine the sunset asking for my hand in marriage - over the top floor and in the skies across khartoum
pray for me

for in the balconies and agonies i pray for god to save us
and cherish us
unlike the fears weeding through the oceans to come squeeze me


somewhere, there is a ground where i can walk bare foot feeling the cold of passionate findings, for in khartoum cold is heat
there is rain for me that will touch my face with spells
there is dresses for me that will look like a romantic connection of threads
there is everything for me waiting for me to be discovered,

waiting for me to discover
my self
my body
my unfound living
to be untold by others

wrapping stars into my garage
pulling shooting stars into my war
finding the lust in the memories still unmade
i wade... in their rising
i will fade ... in their striving messsssss
flare... with their flames to burn me with stress

numbers and words
letters and saturns of lies

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -