Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Stem cells for morning

There's no one round here as lucky as me in this moment in time
I ponder on my existence and remember how simply... lucky I am
for is Tuesday morning and my office even if temporary, even if for a day is beginning to look like elegance
and fact is
this is my first office and I will treasure it
even if for a day, even if for a week, even if for a year
I ask myself fighting in the morning is a real battle
but azera in a lip cup is a nice difference
and a good man is a great difference
but here I am ... oblivious to the fact
mornings are a nightmare

and then the worry kicks in
ohh dear

stem cells
I wish I could plant new stem cells in my mind to help me wake up t 6 each morning and do yoga and be nice

Friday, December 25, 2015

That cream smell...

I love the silence
I love how theres no one here
I love the quiet of the madness and i love me soaking in the haven of a peaceful home
I love the attitude of a healing place
The solitude that it collects from our misery in order to try build itself
I love the shaking of flowers
And brightness of just before dark
I love existing
I love existing here
I dont think i ever saw her cry
No i never saw her cry
I mever saw tears run down her face
I only saw smiles
I only saw now what i never saw then
I miss myself 
I miss myself
I miss the innocence the kindness
The woman i want and need to be imiss the strength
The good troubles
I miss sitting down enjoying the good weather
I miss this really great weather
I miss the pain of being right
And the strength of holding in whats wrong
I miss trying
I miss trying my best
I miss living for me and living for us andliving  for things that are wonderful
Like a good life one that youve worked hard for
Ive been sort of dead whilst living

Life after sanaa 7

Its strange how simple things can make u grieve and other simple things can make u happy
Like remembering how another sanaa danced on her wedding day her lifer hers and her name yours and i thought that day i hope to see u in her place and that will never come true
And it saddens me thus everytime i go to a wedding that ur name isnt around to wed
And yet my heart smiles at the joy of a friday sweet afternoon the peace of the house on a background of tv playing and the yards queitly humming to missing u the plants swaying and the air breathing hello to a new day 
And here i am on christmas day having had a good meal and a good cup of tea with good health and mind and family and tv watching coraline
Feeling happy
Really happy
That my life is jealously perfect 

Tuesday, December 22, 2015


“Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven’t the answer to a question you’ve been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you’re alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully.”
― Norton Juster,

What about the noise after someone close to you like a young 14 year old girl dies , and inside yu ask yourself is it true? what did her face look like again? what were her last words to me, her last touch, her last thoughts of me>? did she like me/? as a person, as a sister? as a friend>? or just someone she used to know....

now will never know ...and that is a silence true

what about the silence inside you that you cannot make go away its so loud
you cant stop turning with the mess here and there and everywhere
like a collection of breaking glass or is it a whilwind of mistrust between you and you
what about that silence that nothing has been done and nothing has been fixed and nothing has been created and nothing has been understood

what about that silence when you think what is the other person thinking of me and badly you know exactly what it is  its loud their silence and hteir unspoken words
and theire true their loud unspoken words
of you

yadooob garat!!!

i hate the words that come ut of me sometimes a sequestrum of my laziness
a fragment of my broken soul
a kite of my lost freedom
for i really am locked up somewhere

what about the silence when they tell you.... sorry you didnt pass , or it was just a pass
what about hte silence when its negative
what about the silence when you just dont know what to do and who you are anymore

what about all that negative silence ?

Good song ...

strangely .. i have no idea what song i wrote this for ...

remains to be a mystery

Love the feeling when you catch up on a good song
but life isnt always fulfilled you forget
that someone is asking for your help
telling you and telling you that they need you
and what do you do
pretend its ok
pretend its nothing
until it blows up

its a really good feeling to hear a song that you just heard for the second time
every one of us hears a song for the first time

but I also forget people that need me and care about me
cuz of my unfair laziness

I used to be lazy
now im lazy and mean
and unproven
im stuck

its a really nice feeling when you click on a song you know it will be good
remind you of a city lighted and a video on Mtv while life creates new memories
the cold breathing around you and yet you are heated to the core through....with faith
and entity
a song that compares strength with that romantic sensuality
elegance but sexiness at the same time
movement in rythym like walking without falling
spells of music make you fall into place

but you forget someone
somehow that is more important
you forget a lot of things
and thus your realm is weak
ready to falll apart
ready to break open
and flood with badness

lets face it.............you are a bad woman


Ive come to a decision
that things have got to change
I'm sick of being the same
sick of being wrong
so tired of thinking of other peoples mistakes
and making myself feel that im better than them
L'm not - im just as worse
in my own way
and im aching
in body and mind

im aching
deep within my soul
straight through my system
far out of my mind

like brazils 7
am so out of reach
unsustainable with strength
and utter weakness and madness becomes me
 breaking within life
the show must go on
but im losing every minute

every second hurts
every second am out of control
and its all my fault

or dont want to be prepared
feeling mad at myself for doing this

suddenly 109
Suddenly stuck
suddenly gorging with misery that i just cant get lower
suddenly being told what to do instead of asking what to do
suddenl so dehydrated i can feel it in my veins
suddenly thinking about will it when it
suddenly tormeted by grief at the loss of sanaa
and yet tormeted more at the thought i didnt do enough for her pray for her ask for her
be wit her have a sister relationship with her
tormented at things i didnt do couldnt do cant do wont do
tormented at being who i am

hi there.. who are yOU?

Being a bitch
Being lazy
being a pain o others and myself
being like a fist
being sore to my soul
being lost
being weak
being dehydtrated
being unhealthy
being a liar
being undevoted
being stupid
being lost for words
being abused by me
being tremendously undetermined
being underappreciated
being lost for concentration
being not the woman i used to be or ever the woman i want to be or ever the kind of person i saw myself becoming 

Saturday, December 19, 2015

if she was bored..then what am I.?....

She said that she was bored
im bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
she said
at the start of the end of her life
she said it so many times
and then when he came
that man she saw whom no one else saw
she was stunned
i could see it in her voice and feel it in my heart
maybe she was a bit scared but i think she knew
but just as i had feared
her sound her voice her words her mind pulled me far from the girl i used to know
for she wasn't the girl i used to know
filled with life
no Allah
chose for her to be with no life and to find something else for her
some thing more beautiful

she had entered into the afterlife already looking into the space where you and i may not see anything
but she saw something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
I think she saw what she was seeing and knew what it meant although she was young she was a brave girl and she saw what she was meant to have see

and now here I am still not seeing it
what I'm meant to see

the life that Allah gave me
the hopes that I have and the promises that I can make
the trivials that i can win
and the smartness that i can reach
the life that i do have
the life that Allah gave to me
to use
to love
to have
to want
to understand
to believe
to enjoy

that is what i cannot see
all that beauty
and I come here
feeling unhappy
bu then i think about it
and I being to remember

how there is no salat subuh
thus chains around my hands
how there is no duaa
and no faithful habits
and no habits for myself
and so i wonder of course i am not happy
I asked Allah all the right things and when he gave them to me
I stopped
how much do I love him ...Allah and how much do I succumb to his intentions for me
well right now I am lost

but that is what 2016 is for.....

Friday, December 18, 2015

Reedit urself

Whats wrong? 
This was not the plan
Is it the water is drugged؟ or the eyesare hypnotised ? Or that u just cant belive shes gone ?or u are unkind to yourself 
Or that here you lose yourself
But the truth it is here ur soul on earth and here ur trusted land where u came from and where an angel like sannaa came from   is where u shud find peace 

For u are here and u have a chance use it love it describe it wear it own it have it touch it believe in it

Saturday, December 12, 2015

A quiet night- post drama

Sneeze Away the old and breathe in the new don't take my disgust at myself a sign of weakness for I have found it is actually the opposite I am here to change and develop into everything I can be and I can be beautiful from the inside for I have learnt that beauty cannot be bought cannot be rented cannot be stolen it can only be found within u 
Within that heart of yours beating memorably
Within that mind of yours working wonderfully
Within those cells of yours craving happiness and the joy of the world 
Within those emotions of yours circling themselves
Within that anger inside you that makes you flock your wings like a peacock
Rather an unelegantfeather anger is
Within those fears of yours that can drive you the wrong way 
Within those smiles of yours thatch work wonders
Within those prayers of yours that can protect you from anything

That's where you find beauty within you
And around you
But if yo u lose your tongue it won't be beauty that you see I t won't be anything that you see
Remember Sanaas nodding
Remember how you are lucky to have the people you have in your life
Remember how your tongue is your connection to you r inner beauty
So what you say is a reflection of how beautiful or ugly u are 
Remember how honest you are
And don't let anything get in the WA y of that 
Remember the quiet 
That you must work hard to find 
And you should never give up
Remember it all

Sadness is the sprout for al things from there you learn to grow you learn to move forward but you also learn that there are other ways to choose
Like hope for hoping is a sanity
Not regretting 
For rethinking and regretting that which u think which u do is the true sadness
Not giving up 
For when u give up its like running back to the start again although you can see the finish line
Every time
No wonder you're sick of it
He's sick of it
For when you ooze madness
Your life will be decorated with chaos
That which you do not deserve

This year 
I challenge myself to open up and be all the things I wished I was
All the good words I couldn't be
All the fears that broke me I challenge them not let them challenge me
All the regrets. I ask them to simply convert into faith good planning and hope
For this year I will not challenge allah as I have done
I will easily

No more excuses

No more procrastinating
This feeling thati am always under things
That i am always unable
That i am always disorganised
That i am always dreaming and not reaching

Has to go
This year 
I plan to be we with the man i love
With my family

With allah first 
I want to get all that goodness inside me and create waves of beauty
Allow for me to be over things
Things always get done
Get created
Get improved
And never

In the wrong path
Holdi ng the wrongs
Or feeling the wrong things

Hello .... No more

I am a new lady
Made / Remade
And feeling revitalised 

I am a beautiful lady
Knowing within myself that i Am myself
And just no more
No more

Yet through no more comes
Comes the beginning

Through no more will come life
Will come life

And i am waiting
And through waiting will come the hope i long to meet

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Life after sannaa 6

Things are bad dear sannaa
I am here 
I promised you and i havnt done a thing
It scares me to go see what i will find
What i will find is your abscence and yet i must feel your presence
I promised but i always fail
You see sanabana 
I dont knowwhats wrong with me
Why  im like this 
I hate this
But i can imagine that u didnt want the treatment and yet u had to
U had to lose ur beautifil haireven though u didnt want to and yet i
Want to lose my weight and i truly want to
So whatsthe problem?
Devil work?
Dishonesty with myself
Am i putting through me what was putthrough u?
Dear sannaa 
Ill never forget ur smile

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Monday, December 7, 2015

Dear hope,

The time has gone and you are still unfair to yourself
your time unmanaged
your body unfixed
and your heart ... unmended
you are still unable to comprehend the beauty of a cold silent day
like now
just yourself
and most miserably
you are unable to feel the delicacy of taking a big and wise decision

digging out your 24 hours from the rubbish bin
or picking up your fallen brain cells from the ground
understanding the truth within you
becoming someone you can be proud of

for the clicks of this fading laptop
make it a newly coming memory
tomorow you may pick up a new thing
a new piece of you
and when you take it home
what will it think of you?
what will it hope for you
and will it be filled with?

wishful thinking ?
will you disappoint ?
as usual

I urge you to sit in this beautiful silence and just think

just ....think

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Feeling unbeautiful from inside

What is beauty what is fame
What is the thing inside that makes you confident beautiful and then you take it a step further and actually are beautiful
You dress well and love yourself feom inside
And it shows
What makes you look beautiful
Sparkles or confidence
Or both?
What makes the thin line between classy amd trashy? 
What makes the thin line between a woman who owns herself and woman.... Notlike me
Far away from me
Although i have all the ingrediwnts
What makes me unable to bloom. 

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Life after sanaa 5

Dear sanaa
I am very sad
And yet i promise myself a new day
One that you would be proud of
For i feel you are the fresh air gone in the morning dew and yet i feel you , your crisp freshness in my cheek
For i see your bouncy long hair waving in the background and you are flying happy young healthy and somehwere u deserve and you hair glistens in my heart forever
And i see you turn your head towards me one final glance your smile awkward with those beautiful teeth
Your dimples swinging joy
Your eyes glistening with sharp love
And i can hear your sweet unique voice
But you will always be with me sana bana my dear lost one
And yet i hold u in my heart
And yet you bloom in my soul
Flowers all colours joys and power for my existence
Ya allah give me patience
Ya allah change me
Ya allah dont break me
Ya allah help me stay strong not from crying but for believing that i can get through missing her 

Ya allah change me
Ya allah 

Life after sanaa 4

I cant believe youre gone
Its all a bad dream a bad day a bad nightmare a terrible moment in our history
I cant concentrate i said to them
I was soafraid
You too my sister
And i miss your texts
I miss your hug
I miss that last time u held our key
And how sweet u looked leaving
And you pink dreams floating above you
I still remember you 
And i will never forget you
Sanaa im so sad
But i know youre in a happy place
I know
Ya allah help us in this hard time
Ya allah let us change and turn this pain into something positive

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -