Saturday, December 19, 2015

if she was bored..then what am I.?....

She said that she was bored
im bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored
she said
at the start of the end of her life
she said it so many times
and then when he came
that man she saw whom no one else saw
she was stunned
i could see it in her voice and feel it in my heart
maybe she was a bit scared but i think she knew
but just as i had feared
her sound her voice her words her mind pulled me far from the girl i used to know
for she wasn't the girl i used to know
filled with life
no Allah
chose for her to be with no life and to find something else for her
some thing more beautiful

she had entered into the afterlife already looking into the space where you and i may not see anything
but she saw something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
something else
I think she saw what she was seeing and knew what it meant although she was young she was a brave girl and she saw what she was meant to have see

and now here I am still not seeing it
what I'm meant to see

the life that Allah gave me
the hopes that I have and the promises that I can make
the trivials that i can win
and the smartness that i can reach
the life that i do have
the life that Allah gave to me
to use
to love
to have
to want
to understand
to believe
to enjoy

that is what i cannot see
all that beauty
and I come here
feeling unhappy
bu then i think about it
and I being to remember

how there is no salat subuh
thus chains around my hands
how there is no duaa
and no faithful habits
and no habits for myself
and so i wonder of course i am not happy
I asked Allah all the right things and when he gave them to me
I stopped
how much do I love him ...Allah and how much do I succumb to his intentions for me
well right now I am lost

but that is what 2016 is for.....

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -