Tuesday, May 27, 2014

to be continued

Its dark and gloomy
doesnt look like a bright 12.51 pm
life changes quickly and without honesty
and im certainly not honest with myself
fooling to the soul within me as if it cannot see and hear
feel and think that I am not sick
but strong and naive
times are changing and I wonder am i the same as others I hate
short tempered
hating things that others do but i do exactly the same
being lazy
being broken as if it can nvever be fixed
being weak
being not the woman i dreamd of being

that one who has a time like gold
precious and expensive and really useful
like the resource needed
that one who knows oxygen isnt for free and will run out one day
that one who respects all from wherever they are
that one who isnt biased
that one who isnt so cruel to herself
that one who isnt so heavy in body and mind

life changes and futures become present
and the past becomes a memory but certainly a place that can make you regret or be happy of who youve become

people depend on me will i let them down?

 I depend on me will I let it down

or is my life just a piece of nothing that im using to get by somwwhere i havnt planned and dont even know

Ya Allah im tired of who ive become
and i want to prove to myself and to the ones near me that I can and am better
that I can be depended on

to be continued

Monday, May 19, 2014

a country without hope....

my horoscope told me to be careful with the one I love
but I still got wrong
maybe he'll never text or write the same way again
like a low battery until one day it..dies
like my iphone its so hard to make it work when it shuts down
I wore nice clothes today
but I still felt inferior
missing that glow inside me
purple wins browns

my horoscope told me to speak little , youll do little mistakes
talk much, youll do much more mistakes
I also didnt listen
ntil mytongue feels like my heart is burning inside it
worse than burning mouth ...
more like burning soul intertwined with a woman i just hate

sometimes I wish I could just say what i want all the time
and never have to think of the consequence
but there is security to default you
and tighten you
and imprison you if get out of line

sometimes I want to shout my dream out to my country until it coats this madness
I see clean streets swith gardenia flowers and palm trees all over
cofee shops breaking light and tea ladies becoming rich
and beautiful
  trademarks that are only here

hibiscus becoming worldwide
you can have hibiscus classic, vanilla infused, banana,hibiscus rich , karkadah pink (light), karkadah hot, karkadah ginger, karkadola, karkadah desert it would become famous
maybe it would become magic, clear the air , and heal bloods
maybe it would change genes and make everyone at peace with each other
I think of a hibiscus future a lot cuz its deep red reminds me of the richness I want my soul to have
like red gold, precious liquid
precious love, one not to be taken lightly or easily, one not to be given heavy challenges cuz its so precious and very fragile

 A new Sudan
with a million hotels and not a million sandstorms
maybe things would be so different
I wouldnt know who I am cuz I would be a different woman

and maybe then brown would win over purple
and time wouldt mean a thing
to me/////////////

(after many many years, when Sudan is different, and someone reads this , I hope hibiscus is made international and beautiful in the way  exactly dream)

stop looking at others faults and look at your own
you cant wake up at 5 am if they told you your life depended on it
isnt that enough to hate yourself forever?
see, she went to the same place after all
no better is she?
its exactly how you dont wnat to feel i know
but take a taste of your own medicine mrs and enjoy
bitter isnt it?
isnt that what youre truly afraid of?
to be unable to control things?
she pecks her newborn utterly emotionless i thought
but hey... who knows what she felt at that exact same time you thought she was emotionless
maybe she was filled with emotion more than youll ever know
who knows?

I wonder does she deep down regret things
I wonder deep down will I ever forgive myself before its too late

I feel sorry for south sudan
how can they be their own country if we share the same name
isnt it just a difference of direction
if it was me I would have made a high speed train to the beautiful south and never come back
maybe i would have found my lost things there
 the land that got cut of like an organ lost in an accident
just suture it up and move on

 all your answers are miserable, like your country
and yet you want a peaceful bond
how in the world do you imagine that possible with the way you are


to be continued..............

Friday, May 16, 2014

اقرأ هذا الدعاء

قيل أن جبريل علية السلام أتى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم فقال :-

يا محمد ، السلام يقرئك السلام ، و يخصك بالتحية و الإكرام ، و قد أوهبك هذا الدعاء الشريف

يا محمد ، ما من عبد يدعو وتكون خطاياه و ذنوبه مثل أمواج البحار ، و عدد أوراق الأشجار ، و قطر الأمطار و بوزن السموات و الأرض ، إلا غفر الله تعالى ذلك كله له .

يا محمد ، هذا الدعاء مكتوب حول العرش ، و مكتوب على حيطان الجنة و أبوابها ، وجميع ما فيها .. أنا يا محمد أنزل بالوحي ببركة هذا الدعاء و أصعد به ، و بهذا الدعاء تفتح أبواب الجنة يوم القيامة ، و ما من ملك مقرب إلا تقرب إلى ربه ببركته .

ومن قرأ هذا الدعاء أمن من عذاب القبر ، ومن الطعن والطاعون وينتصر ببركته على أعدائه

يا محمد ، من قرأ هذا الدعاء تكون يدك في يده يوم القيامة ومن قرأ هذا الدعاء يكون وجهه كالقمر ليلة البدر عند تمامها ، و الحلق في عرسات القيامة ينظرون إلية كأنه نبي من الأنبياء .

يا محمد ، من صام يوما واحد وقرأ هذا الدعاء ليلة الجمعة أو يوم الجمعة أو في أي وقت كان ، أقوم على قبره ومعي براق من نور – علية سرج من ياقوت أحمر ، فتقول الملائكة : يا إله السموات والأرض ، من هذا العبد- فيجيبهم النداء ، يا ملائكتي هذا عبد من عبيدي قرأ الدعاء في عمرة مرة واحدة . ثم ينادي المنادي من قبل الله تعالى أن اصرفوه إلى جوار إبراهيم الخليل علية السلام وجوار محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم

يا محمد ، ما من عبد قرأ هذا الدعاء إلا غفرت ذنوبه ولو كانت عدد نجوم السماء ومثل الرمل والحصى ، و قطر الأمطار ، و ورق الأشجار ، و وزن الجبال و عدد ريش الطيور ، وعدد الخلائق الأحياء و الأموات ، و عدد الوحوش و الدواب ، يغفر الله تعالى ذلك كله ، ولو صارت البحار مدادا و الأشجار أقلاما والإنس والجن والملائكة ، و خلق الأولين و الآخرين يكتبون لي يوم القيامة لفي المداد وتكسر الأقلام ولا يقدرون على حصر ثواب هذا الدعاء.

وقال عمر بن الخطاب رضي الله تعالى عنه ، بهذا الدعاء ظهر الإسلام والإيمان .

وقال عثمان بن عفان رضي الله تعالى عنه ، نسيت القرآن مرارا كثيرة فرزقني الله حفظ القرآن ببركة هذا الدعاء.

وقال سيدنا أبو بكر الصديق رضي الله تعالى عنه . كلما أردت أن أنظر الى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم في المنام ، أقرأ هذا الدعاء .

وقال سيدنا على بن أبي طالب كرم الله وجهه ورضي عنه ، كلما أشرع في الجهاد . أقرأ هذا الدعاء وكان تعالى ينصرني على الكفار ببركة هذا الدعاء .

و من قرأ هذا الدعاء وكان مريضا ، شفاه الله تعالى- أو كان فقيرا ، أغناه الله تعالى

ومن قرأ هذا الدعاء وكان به هم أو غم زال عنه ، وإن كان عليه دين خلص منه ، وإن كان في سجن وأكثر من قرائته خلصه الله تعالى ويكون آمنا شر الشيطان ، وجور السلطان

قال سيدنا رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم : قال لي جبريل : يا محمد ، من قرأ هذا الدعاء بإخلاص قلب ونية على جبل لزال من موضعه أو على قبر لا يعذب الله تعالى ذلك الميت في قبره ولو كانت ذنوبه بالغة ما بلغت ، لأن فيه أسم الله الأعظم .

وكل من تعلم هذا الدعاء وعلمه لمؤمنين يكون له أجر عظيم عند الله وتكون روحة مع أرواح الشهداء ، ولا يموت حتى يرى ما أعده الله تعالى له من النعيم المقيم . فلازم قراءة هذا الدعاء في سائر الأوقات تجد خيرا كثيرا مستمرا إن شاء الله تعالى .

فنسأل الله تعالى الإعانة على قراءته ، وأن يوفقنا والمسلمين لطاعته ، إنه على ما شاء قدير وبعباده خبير والحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على أشرف الخلق أجمعين سيدنا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه والتابعين إلى يوم الدين .

*_ الدعاء _*

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

لا إله إلا الله الملك الحق المبين، لا إله إلا الله العدل اليقين، لا إله إلا الله ربنا ورب آبائنا الأولين، سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين، لا إله إلا الله وحده لا شريك له، له الملك و الحمد يحي ويميت وهو حي لا يموت بيده الخير وإليه المصير،وهو على كل شيء قدير.

لا إله إلا الله إقرارا بربو بيته، سبحان الله خضوعا لعظمته، اللهم يا نور السموات و الأرض ، يا عماد السموات الأرض ، يا جبار، السموات والأرض ، يا ديان السموات والأرض، يا وارث السموات والأرض، يا مالك السموات والأرض ، يا عظيم السموات والأرض ، يا عالم السموات والأرض ، يا قيوم السموات والأرض ، يا رحمن الدنيا ورحيم الآخرة .

اللهم إني أسألك ، أن لك الحمد ، لا إله إلا أنت الحنان المنان ، بديع السموات و الأرض ، ذو الجلال و الإكرام ، برحمتك يا أرحم الراحمين .

بسم الله أصبحنا و أمسينا أشهد أن لا إله إلا الله و أن محمد رسول الله ، وأن الجنة حق ، والنار حق ، وأن الساعة آتية لا ريب فيها ، و أن الله يبعث من في القبور . الحمد لله الذي لا يرجى إلا فضله ، ولا رازق غيره. الله أكبر ليس كمثله شيء في الأرض و لا في السماء وهو السميع البصير.

اللهم إني أسألك في صلاتي ودعائي . بركة تطهر بها قلبي، وتكشف بها كربي ، وتغفر بها ذنبي ، وتصلح بها أمري ، وتغني بها فقري ، وتذهب بها شري ، وتكشف بها همي وغمي، وتشفي بها سقمي ، وتقضي بها ديني، وتجلو بها حزني ، وتجمع بها شملي ، وتبيض بها وجهي.

يا أرحم الراحمين اللهم إليك مددت يدي، وفيما عندك عظمت رغبتي. فأقبل توبتي، وأرحم ضعف قوتي، وأغفر خطيئتي، وأقبل معذرتي، وأجعل لي من كل خير نصيبا ، والى كل خير سبيلا برحمتك يا أرحم الراحمين . اللهم لا هادى لمن أضللت ، ولا معطى لما منعت ، ولا مانع لما أعطيت، ولا باسط لما قبضت ، ولا مقدم لما أخرت ، ولا مؤخر لما قدمت . اللهم أنت الحليم فلا تعجل ، وأنت الجواد فلا تبخل ، وأنت العزيز فلا تذل ، وأنت المنيع فلا ترام ، وأنت المجير فلا تضام ، و أنت على كل شيء قدير. اللهم لا تحرم سعة رحمتك ، وسبوغ نعمتك ، وشمول عافيتك ، وجزيل عطائك ، و لا تمنع عنى مواهبك لسوء ما عندي ، ولا جازني بقبيح عملي، ولا تصرف وجهك الكريم عنى برحمتك يا أرحم الراحمين . اللهم لا تحرمني وأنا أدعوك ... ولا تخيبني و أنا أرجوك . اللهم إني أسألك يا فارج الهم ، و يا كاشف الغم ، يا مجيب دعوة المضطرين ، يا رحمن الدنيا ، يا رحيم الآخرة ، أرحمني برحمتك . اللهم لك أسلمت، وبك آمنت، وعليك توكلت ، وبك خاصمت وإليك حاكمت ، فاغفر لى ما قدمت و ما أخرت ، وما أسررت وما أعلنت ، وأنت المقدم وأنت المؤخر . لا إله إلا أنت الأول والأخر والظاهر و الباطن ، عليك توكلت ، وأنت رب العرش العظيم . اللهم آت نفسي تقواها ، وزكها يا خير من زكاها ، أنت وليها ومولاها يا رب العالمين اللهم إني أسألك مسألة البائس الفقير- وأدعوك دعاء المفتقر الذليل، لا تجعلني بدعائك رب شقيا ، وكن بي رءوفا رحيما يا خير المئولين ، يا أكرم المعطين، يا رب العالمين . اللهم رب جبريل وميكائيل و أسرافيل وعزرائيل، أعصمني من فتن الدنيا و وفقني لما تحب و ترضى ، وثبتني بالقول الثابت في الحياة الدنيا وفي الآخرة – ولا تضلني بعد أن هديتني وكن لي عونا ومعينا ، وحافظا و ناصرا.

آمين يا رب العالمين


اللهم أستر عورتي و أقبل عثرتي، و أحفظنى من بين يدي و من خلفي ، و عن يميني و عن شمالي ، ومن فوقي ومن تحتي ، ولا تجعلني من الغافلين . اللهم إني أسألك الصبر عند القضاء ، و منازل الشهداء ، و عيش السعداء ، و النصر على الأعداء ، و مرافقة الأنبياء، يا رب العالمين أللهم ارحم والدي و اغفر لهم ما تقدم من ذنوبهم و ما تأخر, اللهم اهدني أن أكون خير الأبناء.

*امين يا ارحم الراحمين.

ــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــ ـــــــــــــ

palm trees, cappuchino, love....

Palm trees , cappuchino, Love
when will you miss the one above
Allah, your truth and honest favor
the one who is your kindess, your only carer
Apple, Dolce, Gold
and yet your heart is sold
to forgetting who really bought you those things
Allah, your most important treasure
there is no other 
that could give you this sultanate measure
of african nubian highness
you are... an african queen
mesmerised with beauty 
and you see nothing 
only a desert with a bad government
but its not like that
its more like inspirational existence
a test of time
a rough soil for you to make bloom no matter where you walk
YOU walk
your footprints are your only responsibility
your challenges are your only democracy
and your eyes are your only tragedy
for they are ..;backwards
maybe worse that the worse beggar 
dry, thirsty, and dirty
look at yourself
you are rusty
from the hairtip, to the toenail
you are broken
by something inside you you let get too big for you to control
a massive wavetide throwing you off course
and off balance
you have to work harder 
breathe harder
think harder
fear harder
cuz you are alone
Allah is not with you
although he never gives up
but you have given up
these few past hours
are light in your cup
swirl into existence again
challenge yourself to beautiful challenges
delve into your beauty dusted by saharan fears
dont let time pass you by
and devils mystify you
theyre only a bad film
but you are an elegant responder
an shining beauty
something unheard of
you are kind
you are strong
and not in that way you have to break others to prove that 
no ...you are strong deep inside you to the outer core
you strong you contain light and precious gems within you
you travel miles to figure yourself out
and now youve just travelled miles to only stop yourself living
but you are strong enough to forgive yourself and move on
you are strong enough to love yourself better , higher and nicer
you are strong enough to be free
please , you owe it to yourself like a nice present
or the ost expensive toob
you owe it to yourself to be treasureful, meaningful, youthful, deepened and proud

fix your heart and......

fix your heart and then you can start
to look at the sunshine blooming out of the dark
to search for the heat amongst aspark
you need to clean that oil of blackness and withdrawal
from being a kind and sweet human being ...simply
your heart needs a polish needs a finish from
all these threads hanging on it
, all these mistakes and viscious cycle of negativity
palm trees
does it need more or less to figure out that life is great
that no matter where you are its you that happiness sprouts from
not from weather or no other human being
ask yourself did you not feel wrong when you were in other places
was there not always a black cloud somewhere whenever you lifted your head high
is it r eally the hot sun or is it your lack of faith burning through
ask yourself how happy are you right now>? and how much happier can you reallly be
is your sadness inflated like your economy and is your happiness degraded like a bank price
ask yourself how dark are you, how mean are you, how wild are you
how strong are you are you reall a good person
deep inside i fear weeds grow within you
i fear thorns ambush inside you
i fear you swallow pain and and speak fire
be careful hopa
be careful

...think again/////

Friday, May 9, 2014

trying again .... golden smoke

Times are precious
and I want to be a treasure to my faith
a glow in the dark
a whisk in the sky
filled with memories and not despair
I miss simplicity
and kindness
Africa ... I used to love
its deserts and even its pain
and now I am its pain
just another addition to its unprecautioned misery
I miss wanting things
that are true
I miss needing things
that I really need
I miss writing my everything inside
from cellular to un destructible fears
detecting who I am and what I want
I feel like ive skipped a beat
suddenly I'm unknowledged
unknown to myself
and yet the world is the same and different
filled with arrogance but also pride

oh how I long to be proud but not arrogant

and how I desire to be seductive from deepness and health and not
so superficial

I almost force myself to be untrue to myself
to be mean to my own soul
to be forceful and ... demanding wasnt it?

from 5-8 so many good things
the scent of life comes to me again
I try again
and maybe this time it will work
I hope
I pray
and I try again

to be continued

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


where do  I  begin
I am silent from talking cuz I just want to rip my mind and thoughts out
and even tho i  dont speak i can hear the clanging of devils in my head
its too noisy inside


I wanna break free, from all this pain i havei nside
from all these insecurities
even just the second i actually shut upped
I feel my words flooding in paper and not on tongue
my tongue is burning
with bad options

my heart is bleeding with others

I have no justice for what im doing
I have no memories of where im going

just flowing

against the current
and even though the future is beautiful
I am ....like an untamed monster

like a blasphemy of the innocent

there is no goodness within me

used to be unavoidable with goodness
but now theres no way birds would chirp on my shoulder

spots everwhere
on my face,
on my actions
on my sentences
on my freedom
such blots I cant even breathe

where to start cleaning
where to try living

so many resources plugged

all plugged with sewage

of just blurting out hte first thing that comes to my mind
and the first thing is always ugly never a good circle inside me

always selfish
always mean

I am literally tired from being a mean woman

from being a hard person
from being a difficult human being
and who am i destroying with that hardship

noone but me?

for I am just tired with others
others when you think aobut it
they have won the game
for i do nothing but worry about others
about others
always talking aobut others
she did the right thing
and a dinner party to prove it
and she actually meant it
should i do a dinner party
i would have to do thousands of them


when was the last time I said that
just so busy with everything else
just so busy with all i have to say
like its my job to filter out the bad in people
the weak in onthers
never myself
there is nothing wrong with me

nothing bland with me
nothing dark or unflowered

all chirpy

celery LOVE it
never knew it existed

like I dont know if the woman inside me
exists no more/?

Thursday, May 1, 2014


i miss this place
maybe its my only sanctuary
my only flower of a floating memory
I get rid of all my pain
I think again before i speak
I stop hating myself and hating myself
I change what I want to who I want

sometimes i just hate everything about me
why cant i just do that or be that
no its
like im sanctioned
like my country

THAT... you cannot have
wont be downloaded into your system
that is blocked
cuz youre just in the wrong place
and in the wrong design

that YOu cant have

feeling sad
feeling scared
from the abcsence within myself
from the surrendering ive allowed
from the questions ill have to ask

deep inside

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -