Tuesday, May 27, 2014

to be continued

Its dark and gloomy
doesnt look like a bright 12.51 pm
life changes quickly and without honesty
and im certainly not honest with myself
fooling to the soul within me as if it cannot see and hear
feel and think that I am not sick
but strong and naive
times are changing and I wonder am i the same as others I hate
short tempered
hating things that others do but i do exactly the same
being lazy
being broken as if it can nvever be fixed
being weak
being not the woman i dreamd of being

that one who has a time like gold
precious and expensive and really useful
like the resource needed
that one who knows oxygen isnt for free and will run out one day
that one who respects all from wherever they are
that one who isnt biased
that one who isnt so cruel to herself
that one who isnt so heavy in body and mind

life changes and futures become present
and the past becomes a memory but certainly a place that can make you regret or be happy of who youve become

people depend on me will i let them down?

 I depend on me will I let it down

or is my life just a piece of nothing that im using to get by somwwhere i havnt planned and dont even know

Ya Allah im tired of who ive become
and i want to prove to myself and to the ones near me that I can and am better
that I can be depended on

to be continued

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -