Monday, May 19, 2014

a country without hope....

my horoscope told me to be careful with the one I love
but I still got wrong
maybe he'll never text or write the same way again
like a low battery until one day it..dies
like my iphone its so hard to make it work when it shuts down
I wore nice clothes today
but I still felt inferior
missing that glow inside me
purple wins browns

my horoscope told me to speak little , youll do little mistakes
talk much, youll do much more mistakes
I also didnt listen
ntil mytongue feels like my heart is burning inside it
worse than burning mouth ...
more like burning soul intertwined with a woman i just hate

sometimes I wish I could just say what i want all the time
and never have to think of the consequence
but there is security to default you
and tighten you
and imprison you if get out of line

sometimes I want to shout my dream out to my country until it coats this madness
I see clean streets swith gardenia flowers and palm trees all over
cofee shops breaking light and tea ladies becoming rich
and beautiful
  trademarks that are only here

hibiscus becoming worldwide
you can have hibiscus classic, vanilla infused, banana,hibiscus rich , karkadah pink (light), karkadah hot, karkadah ginger, karkadola, karkadah desert it would become famous
maybe it would become magic, clear the air , and heal bloods
maybe it would change genes and make everyone at peace with each other
I think of a hibiscus future a lot cuz its deep red reminds me of the richness I want my soul to have
like red gold, precious liquid
precious love, one not to be taken lightly or easily, one not to be given heavy challenges cuz its so precious and very fragile

 A new Sudan
with a million hotels and not a million sandstorms
maybe things would be so different
I wouldnt know who I am cuz I would be a different woman

and maybe then brown would win over purple
and time wouldt mean a thing
to me/////////////

(after many many years, when Sudan is different, and someone reads this , I hope hibiscus is made international and beautiful in the way  exactly dream)

stop looking at others faults and look at your own
you cant wake up at 5 am if they told you your life depended on it
isnt that enough to hate yourself forever?
see, she went to the same place after all
no better is she?
its exactly how you dont wnat to feel i know
but take a taste of your own medicine mrs and enjoy
bitter isnt it?
isnt that what youre truly afraid of?
to be unable to control things?
she pecks her newborn utterly emotionless i thought
but hey... who knows what she felt at that exact same time you thought she was emotionless
maybe she was filled with emotion more than youll ever know
who knows?

I wonder does she deep down regret things
I wonder deep down will I ever forgive myself before its too late

I feel sorry for south sudan
how can they be their own country if we share the same name
isnt it just a difference of direction
if it was me I would have made a high speed train to the beautiful south and never come back
maybe i would have found my lost things there
 the land that got cut of like an organ lost in an accident
just suture it up and move on

 all your answers are miserable, like your country
and yet you want a peaceful bond
how in the world do you imagine that possible with the way you are


to be continued..............

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -