Friday, May 9, 2014

trying again .... golden smoke

Times are precious
and I want to be a treasure to my faith
a glow in the dark
a whisk in the sky
filled with memories and not despair
I miss simplicity
honesty
beauty
and kindness
Africa ... I used to love
its deserts and even its pain
and now I am its pain
just another addition to its unprecautioned misery
I miss wanting things
that are true
I miss needing things
that I really need
I miss writing my everything inside
from cellular to un destructible fears
detecting who I am and what I want
I feel like ive skipped a beat
suddenly I'm unknowledged
unknown to myself
and yet the world is the same and different
filled with arrogance but also pride

oh how I long to be proud but not arrogant

and how I desire to be seductive from deepness and health and not
so superficial

I almost force myself to be untrue to myself
to be mean to my own soul
to be forceful and ... demanding wasnt it?


from 5-8 so many good things
the scent of life comes to me again
I try again
and maybe this time it will work
I hope
I pray
and I try again

................
to be continued

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -