Tuesday, February 6, 2018

under life.. my skin changes to evil

Bad mother
Bad wife
Bad daughter

all armor down
words mean the world and emotions are wild
actions are broken
and life is just a mess
like oil spilled in sea
memories on the ground
poems unread
meanings unclear
love unwise
jealousy for the kill of a family

she is right
he is poor when i am around
he is tremendously strong for accepting me as his
she is tremendously kind for baring with all this flesh

for I dont deserve all these people
from the smallest to the biggest

theyre just here giving and never taking
theyre just breaking and i keep hitting
theyre just trying but in my eyes always failing
theyre just living and in my eyes life is dying

of course I am unhappy
my arms hurt
and i am so behind
in everything
my tongue is like the razor of mincemeat so sharp and bloody
my eyes are like glass mirrors cutting through arteries
my ears are like trauma wailing
my breaths are wasps of stinging anaphylaxis to kindness

this is not how things should be

I always asked myself
why is someone doing that or this
acting like this or that
can this person not see they are wrong
can this person not see they are mean

and now i am involved
as that person who doesnt understand

who they are
why they think like this
why do things like that
why they feel like this
and most importantly

why theyve turned into a monster

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -