Sunday, May 29, 2011

Dear God..I pray.....that you say...forgiven

Dear God
I pray
that I stay
in love with only your success
for If it is not meant to be
then it is not your success

Dear God
I pray that I may
love you unconditionally
no conditions
just love

dear God
I Pray that I stray
from anger and sorrow
and I come to you
peace and a brighter tommorrow

Dear God
I Pray
for my way
at the right time
with the right people

Dear God
near or far away
I am with you
I'm sorry I shouted
I'm sorry I demanded
I'm sorry I reprimanded
I'm sorry I rebelled

I'm so sorry
and that makes me feel so sad
I find it hard to forgive myself
but I know you canforgive me..........

Dear God
I pray
that I see away
from darkness and closed minds
that I open good things and happy doors

Dear God
I pray
that there is never a day
I forget you
or in that same day I realise my deep mistakes
and go about fixing them

Dear God
I pray
that there is neve ra day
mywords are silly
or my actions are messy
or my thoughts are dirty
or my products are unworthy

Dear God
I Pray
that I never lay
without cause
without battle
without love
without forgiveness
without heavens dream and no other

Dear God
I pray
that light rays
shine on me
heal me
strengthen me
enlighten me
forgive me

Dear God
forgive me
I beg you
Forgive me..........

Saturday, May 28, 2011


It's important to let go
it's important to not hold things
its important to...never give up
Don't let anyone bring you down
Don't stop believing
Don't giveup on God

i apologise for my misbehaviours
my irrational and foolish nature
my stupid and arrogant composure
lost in anger
lost in all bad
I am sorry for suddenly
suddenly giving up
feeling so so ugly
and I truly belive my feelings of myself reflect a higher perspective of things
I mean feelings are not to be seen lightly
feelings are not meant to be felt easily
so I find today in this day.....

I have 104 thoughts to let go of
104 dangers i must lose
104 madness i must not choose
104 ways I must forget
104 reasons to change............

ya Allah samihni
Ya allah forgive me

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Nice delivery of sweet muffins

I was very happy and suprised when I got these muffins through the post! it made a nice change and day
theyre from
and theyre really well made

Beautiful Nature_ Edinburgh train trip_

Opening windows

Open the window to a new day
whre prayers and fallen mercy stay
on a life meant to be
filled with happinnes and fulfilled glee

Open the window and find the sun
rejoice in God and all that is fun
for God is beautiful and never outdone
never wll you get bored from God , the one

Open a window wherver you are
and smile at the light day or star
laugh with nature if you're near or far
become a part of it all for you are

....... the only way to your lost soul
so open the window and start tocall
...the only road to your broken heart
so fill it with light and learn the journey can only start
from God the sun and you
from God the light and you

Friday, May 20, 2011

White desert between

Tell me..... where you are in the swirl of ocean?
are you between the seas and the paradise ?
are you in the zoom of beauty or the flash of desire

Life in ransom_Forgotten words 4

Sometimes something can look like scented flowers beautiful and innocent and soon you feel like you have the most heaviest ties that bind you - emotionally you would looka wreck(likethe middle pic) and whatever it is brining you down you myst try break the ties that bind

Life in ransom_Forgotten words 3

In arabic --- Live with magic
live feeling 100%
and you will ahve a shine that lasts ......

Life in ransom_Forgotten words 2

I am really a result of my mothers up brining my fathers encouragement my parents bravery and courage and love - my family is me and I am them
even though I have my own ideas and dreams my own life and I am independant I am still
amazed at how much I am a part of my family and  they are a part of me
I hope no matter where I go and if God helps me make my own family - that we have this tie

Life in ransom_Forgotten words 1

I used to love cutting random pictures and wods I like from magazines(not so random) and making it into some sort of meaning - a piece of Lifei n ransom
this one has many ideas
Trying to be normal you can feel swept under
I am marrying for love -
and A womans rules should never be lost or forgotten - she is the ruler of her own dreams and heart

looking for you........ Lights of a distant balcony

It's just sunset.... or is it sunrise?
I dont know how many times in my dreams there are are surreal calm and fair winds of pure life exiting so deep within the realms of heavenly faith the link between  the whispers of the days end or its beginning become scented with balcony lights of the skies. Open my heart to a tale fantasy of staircase enchantment and swimming pools filled with white pearls - I stand on the edge of this daring imagination of my reflection a tiny grand encapsulement of beautiful romance ----- where am I? I am in the mirrors that delve with sweet secrets and honest lies? or am I seeing a brave turn of love and mystery become synchronised with what God has planned all along -
My eyes glitter with the ripples of the water and I can gently hear the wave of my emotions drowning in that hour - where the sun is neither rising or dropping and my body is neither mine nor a strangers and my heart is neither beating nor aching and my mind is neither able nor willing to remember where I am

Thursday, May 19, 2011

looking for you......Lamps in white sand

They say you don't exist
the pure water that runs in your blood and the sfety in your arms
they laugh at me and I pretend its fine
but deep down my heart aches for your whispers from the soul and the destiny in your heart
they sshh me and mm me thinking they know best
but I put my dreams to the test
always never giving up
they distract me but you impact on me
a love that has nevr been heard of before
They tell me its all wrong and that I'm wrong
but I can feel your strength beating through my body
and the fate of your mind making my history
They thin my fantasies
but you are my only fantasy
and that is protected for all time to come
all time to come

when I think of you I am a different person
a beautiful person
someone I cannot touch but Ican feel
someone I cannot accommodate for but I know lives here
someone I want to learn from but I want to teach
 are an unforseen treasure
I know how expensive you are
I know how happy you make me
I know how together we are
I know how close we become
I know how in love I am

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

unedited 10 minutes before bus...Morning prayer

let me tell you how it works
I strive to do better and yet the devil always brings me down
but the real dream is how fast I can get up again
how fast I can get up again
The real method is how much I never give up
for its when u give up , that the devil rejoices
so dont give him a chance
always lift yourself up
always strive to do better
always dont forget the end result
no devil, just peace, just heaven
always remember to give him trouble
to cause him doubt
and one day
you will find you will have enough time and maturity to make the devil...... taste its own pain

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Dear God, A mornng prayer.......

Dear God
Please take my worry for I am sorry feeling like this
I depend on you to help me and protect me and so there is no reason for  treason

Dear God
Please I ask you to forgiev me for everyday late
for my fate is with your forgiveness
Please make today and all days special
do not let meforget t he answers and the qustion which are more important
I ask you to b by my side always

If I damage my dreams please mend them fr me
for I feel like I am damaging mydreams
I am a beautiul strong woman
yet here is a woman ...afraid

Dear God I beg yo to let me go within your reach and to let me strive for heaven
for i do not want to have anything that does not let me soar to the skies and live in paradise

dear God please help me choose all my options correctly
let me save for me and for you for right
let me get what is best for me not meaning most expensive
Dear God forgive me for my mistakes
Dear God forgive me for my sorrows
Dear GOd help me pass all my exams
Dear God help me pass your wonders and beauties
era God let everything be eay even if it is hard
do not let me have wasted energy
do not let me have forgotten time
Do not let me forget you......

Dear God
Do not let me forget you -

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Friday the 13th - A prayers tale

Friday the 13th they say is a strange day, could be good, could be bad
It began with a windy rainy day
where I say
things where quite normal
and the time was formal
until .....
I went to Friday Prayer

the sounds of the dripping rain on the worn out ceiling soothed my heart into this synchronised melody, its been a long time since the wetness of nature enters my body through its beating tries to pray - through the high winds and the cold air I become a part of this magical day - as I say alsalamu3alaykum the beautiful woman turns her head and smiles to welcome her sister in loving obedience  - I start to hear the gentle whispers of her tasbeeh - the round words magnified by her power for God to accept them - the Imam starts to talk his weekly knowledge -  I feel in the middle of history - in the middle of beauty - rolls of words making millions of sense and new transparent wisdom - for me to hear - true religion -
I listen to the Imams words as the rain continues to listen as well - breaking with vivid emotion nature blows its entry and tries its love - new women start to enter each woman has a story, a journey , a commitment, a way of having come in this moment of time - I welcome each woman as she considers me a part of her life during this shared portal into Gods bounty - and then prayer starts , we line together and stand by each other , support each other as we know God is watching, God is smiling - I close my eyes and imagine how close i am, how forgiveness could be right at my door - I pray with all my love in this joined amazement of shared wonder - we to you my God we pray - When we are done -  I hold my hands to God and Pray - suddenly i notice tis beautiful sweet tiny little princess about 5 years old with pigtails perfectly aligned copying me - she sat next to me and had the most beautiful blue dress on with black tights - oh she looked something out of a fairytale book - I smile at her and she stares at me waiting to copy my next move so I keep praying to god to let me have a girl like that , that i can take with me to friday prayer one day that is elegant and well raised like that - I smile at her and she smiles back - ! I touch her hair and she shrugs her shoulders contemplating how shy she is now I pretend to not look at her so she does not become shy - Finally I start to pray the two rak3ats and she gets up to do the same - I feel like angels around me for she must have been an angel - and I wished and wished that God give me an angel like her - as i finish praying the girl leaves with her mother and as I bow to finish my prayer and she leaves for her life  - I pray and will always remember her beautiful eyes and her soft black hair and forgiving innocence I always want to reach and one day call my own -

Friday, May 13, 2011

Subhan Allah.....

Subhan allah
everything happens for a reason
so there is no reason to doubt
That God is beautiful
words cannot describe
the feeling of comfort I get
when I understand a fulfilled reason
when I understand the truth behind the falling curtain
like butterflies my stomach reels with flying high
I feel involved in the most uppermost sphere of love and care
God has taken care of me
in a small way , in a large way
in a different unknown way
I dont know how I don't know why
Its happened
the strength
the imagination
the creativity
the destruction of walls to get me through
the breaking of boundaries to pass me inside
a new world of  wonder
a new world of emotional upkeep
I am a new person
because of
Subhan Allah
Gods willpower
becoming a part of me

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I love you, youre beautiful take 4

Dear God,
 I could rage
I could get so angry and say more than I want
I could get sooooo defensive it becomes personal not reasonable
not for you
I could get so weak - I lose control and comment unlit my heart - but what good would it do?
I would just start a bitter war
a war where I Would lose
and Iw ant to win
I want to win

Dear God
DO not let me fall from your grace
Do not let me lose sight of what I want to do and where  I want to reach
DeaRGod do not leave me
for without you.... I am insane
and  i don't like it I dont feel safe
in fact I am a danger
I can say anything for you
but it doesnt mean protection it means destruction
 i can pretend I am right
but I know I am wrong
Please God let the time be right one day so I can prove you right
so I can love you right
so  i can wherever I am whatever I do be there for you
 I love you you're beautiful
royal metaphor used only for royals
you are the only royalty
you are the majestic
the king
the royal entity of my soul
I beg you to save me
and let me honor you
it is not that I am afraid
I know very clear how I feel about you
but i am afraid to lose
in trying to win
I want to ...reach a stage where it is so clear you my Dear God will always be right that there can be no chance
 no chance
for going back
that there can be no chance for mistaking
that there can be no chance for knowing whos right and whos wrong
and even then I will be wrong if I Feel revenge If I feel perfect
for only you are perfect
please God
Do not let me lose temper anytime
for that is weakness and all I want to do is be strong
please God protect me
I am in your arms
I love you youre beautiful

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I love you, youre beautiful take 3

I'm tired, desperately trying to find a way to write you, you take my every thought..... simply elegantly beautifully
I can create whirlpools of you , I can conjure millions of sillehoutte moments
I can reminisce on a future cascading with fire
I can cool in an instant by your touch
for you  freeze my ideas and place them in time
I can feel you every desire
I think I know your every move
But I know that is no where near true
for I have never met you
you are a fragment of imaginative beauty
a piece of creativity scented with desire and romantic sweetness -
a longing hope of honesty and bravery
for all I want is courage
and fear  from God
all I want is bravery
but weakness for me
all i want is power
but slavery to heaven
all  I want is miracles
made by God

Dear God
I pray today , for a better day
better days where I stay
in the arms of who I love
Dear God
I pray you not let me down
for i have high trust in your every second
and I know in one second
you can make all my dreams come true
nothing bad comes from you
only good
I understood
 that love is forever
and I want a love forever
to last through all time
dear God I love you, youre beautfiul
 I ask for strength
and wealth of safety and faith
for in a mans eyes I want to
Dear God do not let me dissapoint my parents
please do not let me dissapoint my parents
for I love them and would sacrifice as I hope I have already sacrificed tears for them
Dear God
PLease help me
let all my papers through
let all my life through happiness and honesty
I never want to steal love
I never want to steal hope
for hope is not mine but yours only for me to borrow
I must give it back safe and as it was  given one say
dear God forgive me
Dear God please let there be a man for me who.....very much so
and very much so....loves you and very much so..... is handsome
and that you are proud of and indeed have created for me
Dear Dear God
please let it be so
Please i ask for a half of wondrous attraction
and one love
and one story
and one day
and lifetimes with him I stay

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I love you , youre beautiful take 2

Thank you God, for I have sinned
but you have forgiven me
I have sinned and you have healed me
always I ask your solid love and your amazing kindness

Dear God
I have sinned and htinnned my faith
I have forgotten honour and true bravery
to be strong
to be courageous for you
not for anybody else
I have sinned and you have made me strong again
I will not beb eaten again

dear God
i have sinned and you hvaechanged me
not let consume me
the troubles of time and other people
I thank you forever and ever
and i love you more than any romance could ever hold

Dear God
I love you, youre beautiful
Dear  God I ask you leave me the smallest piece of innocence protected
the largest piece of forgiveness unedited
the highest rank of love untouched
the most unknown moment in time to be unlocked

Dear God I have sinned
and I have faulted my spirit
and I have scarrred me faith
and enemised patience

I ask you to forgive me
and I ask you to help me hange
and I ask  you to let me remain forever love with you
Dear God
I love you youre beautiful
I love you youre kind and worth all worship and grace
I loveyou more than any chapter in any love stroy
and through all boundairs and hardships
 Iwill stay with you.....

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

fault urself before others

If you want to count the faults of anyone else, count your own faults instead.
you will find  there are plenty to use before using others
faulting other people is a fault on its own
for it means you are selfish
you are cruel and you are ignorant of yourself
if you count your own faults you will cry
you will forget others for you will worry about how you can ever repay for these bad deeds
how will you be forgiven for all these problems you have created
becasue for every thing wrong you have done
there is a negative effect
even if it is - that you have to pay for it yourself one day - standing in judgement day
think of it this way
you will only be held accounted for YOUR faults
nobody elses
so thinking about others laughing at htem feeling relief that you are not as bad as them questioning them wondering about them worriing about them is all a part of useless thinking - and a new fault to hold

faulting yourself will make you light headed - down to earth for you will realise your sins are vast massive and worth drastically changing

Dear Allah, This is my new pleasure

Oh Allah,

make my love for You, the most beloved thing to me,

and Your displeasure the most fearful thing to me,

and instill in me a passion for meeting You

& when you have given the people of the world ,

the pleasures in their world,

make the love of my eyes (pleasure) in worshipping You

Ameen .

PLease God...... let me be yours....

 I love you, you're beautiful
I cannot confirm the words said though I know in my heart the meaning is there
5 words sincerely majestic of all my dreams coming true
across the horizons, faiths, bodies, times and meaning I use these words to feel so sincerely pure and in ...sync with my emotions but the truth is my feelings are so uncontrollable I can barely breathe - I am lost in the dress , in the confidence, in the beauty, in the proudness, in the love, in the strength, in the details - I am lost in the details and somewhere in between rarely and rapidly I find myself - within the glances the words the feelings the marriage ! and then i forget who I am what I want why I write what I am made of
when i am back to myself - I mix truth with unreality fantasy with conspiracy royalty with normality love with unwant passion for lust and dreams for kidnapping - the result is a confused beautiful but unknown woman - unsure of her whereabouts, her desires and her true dreams
the result is a woman sad and angry at herself for letting herself become someone she doesn't want to be
its' like being held hostage by something so simple its like locking yourself in a door and you have the key its right there the key but you just cant reach it!
the result is a woman with so many strong hearts and souls that it is awkward and fearful to even attempt having them
so I continue to get lost under control
lost in the satin and lace and in control by the land rovers and the security doors

lost in the fairytale and honeymoon
in control by the reality of the moon over me
I try and understand how I can love myself royal
I try and find the point inside me that is hurting and that i have left hurt for so long
i try and stop myself
I am succeeding some may
but I am also failing at my decision to want a fairytale
my body says - stupid stupid woman
my heart says - feel what you want , you deserve what you believe
my soul says - I will beat you down
my mind says - STOP STOP STOP!
my faith says - God is your royal envelope to the world - just stamp what you want and one day the letter Will reach you  no matter how hard................

Dear God
I pray you help me wake up on time for alsubuh for I am lost without morning prayer
I feel down and dirty and lacking in stability - 4 pillars instead of 5 is not enough
please god don't let me give up and don't let it be impossible nothing is impossible
Dear  God I am a fairytale woman - please let me be a part of any fairytale you desire for me for that is royal, more than royal for me
I pray you forgive me
I pray you have me
I pray you let me serve you and love you all the time
for when I forget you - I feel ugly
I feel impure
I feel so inflated with byproducts of the world - it's like I am reusable
and i should not be reusable
I should be unique
I should be proud
I should be existing as one

dear God give me the purity and innocence to redeem myself
give me the ability to forgive myself for that capability is powerful beautiful
I love you you're beautiful dear God
i love you you're beautiful and you love all that is beautiful
please make me beautiful
please make me happily kind and beautiful
please make me Worth loving
please make me yours
let me wear Islam between my dantalle and the satin of my emotions
let me be controlled by the handsome strength of my faith
let me be loved by the prince of your choice
for anything you choose for me is royal
anything you give me , will be forever royal
Dear  God let me be yours......

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -