Wednesday, November 30, 2011

البعد عن ربنا اكتئاب

البعد عن ربنا اكتئاب

Did you ever consider this pain youre in right now is not because your soul is bad but it is because it is a good soul and it is screaming and hurting you to see that 

Did you ever stop and take a look at yourself, take a loot at what you want , what you do who you are, where you are going 

Did you ever stop and wonder why you are doing this way, why you are in agony in hertbreak in a continuous cylce hypnotised by pleasure and fake dreams

Did you ever wonder where those dreams are coming from, how thy arrived why are they your dreams and not somebody elses

Did you ever ask yourself who are you

Did you ever take time to wonder about God and true faith not this temporary participation this lame attempt this empty try that you take as religious


you are not religious

you do not pray

you just do bodily actions and move your lips and all i nthe wrong times with other plans and even dreams in your head

you do not wear hijab

you just wear a piece of clothing on your head

it doesnt mean anything to you 

you do not want to achieve

you just come and go and go and come and pretend like you are still holding on

you are not in love

you just obey the scnes and the films the music and the lyrics and fantasise about something you have no experience or knowledge about and pretend you have become a professional

you think you are in love ?

with whom?

with what exactly

since when

and where did it happen

do you have answers for any of these quesitons?

you dont know anything about love

take a look at yourself

and do not blame anything or anyone

do not blame

for it is you

that is lacking in the gorgeous 

Did you ever cry about something that actually you should cry about

no youve only cried about htings that you do not need to cry about

and what  you really need to cry about 

what should really give you tears

you ignore

you find ok

you can live with

Did you ever consider that you have become someone who you cannot trust

can you trust yourself/



Revolution against Soul 5_السخرية Ridiculing

If you mock people , people will find a way to mock you
if you let out peoples faults to others to look good and so they look bad
what sort of a person would you be?

yes, a terrible person
 if you  think
Oh im the best God looooves me
and take that mindthought to others that may (you just think that) not be as good as you
and think
god you do that youre suuuuch a bad person
and then you turn to yourself and think
Im sooo goood

what kind of a person would you be?
yes an awful person

if you keep following peoples mistakes
dont you have your own mistakes to follow

day and night you follow others mistakes
and you forget yourself
unitl its too late.....
tell me, what will you say on judgement day/ where did you put the time/
oh...I was looking at him him him him her her her her

if you ridicule people people will ridicule you
God will let them
because he wants to teach you a lesson
he wants to be fair

just because of a sentence

NO it could never be like that
twisted conversations becoming normal
ordinary people making somehtin extra ordinary
broken words becoming a sentence
silent lips kissing each other
beautiful eyes meeting each other
different music meeting

YES it could never be like that
two random people becoming sensual
strangers channelling friendship
drawing a future together
one that looks like a beautiful picture
one that looks like a gallery portrait
no one else can finish that picture
because the lines are unique
the colours are rare
and the merging is charachteristic

NO it could never be like that
I smile at the possibility having been sad just a few moments ago Ive forgotten it  and that makes me smile more
I close my eyes and imagine.... His driving and me changing music
we're going home after a family party
and I looked beautiful because he was happy
and he's happy becasue I'm his

YES it could never be like that
but you know its strange
I have a heart that beats by this time
and a memory that runs without brakes
and yet now I cant feel anything
i must be dead
I just .....I guess I have accepted the reality that there is dress coming up where it will be any colour but white.....

and now Ive forgotten my smile and am sad because I think
there will be a picture never drawn
never seen
never felt
and it will be lying somewhere the empty canvas
lying somewhere far away
lying there
waiting for us

I... must continue 4, I have not failed

 I must continue, without thinking i have failed
I am
mesmerised at my own failures
here I am
always fearful that I am a failure
I always think
someone is better than me
I get jealous
I am naive spoken so
I wonder
Why cant I see myself as this rare breed of women whom God has created with more fault than good
yet deep in the crevices of my creation he also created a goodness unlike no other
no other woman has this goodness for only small quantities are needed and it becomes vast
the explosion of deletion of the rest
why cant i see that I am unique one with flawless imagination and tempting fascinations with life with sudan
i merge khartoum with heartbreak like it was mint and lemon ...I am the sugar and ice
I make everyhting sweet for I cannot or I do not want to see the bad in the things I love

i cannot understand why I cannot determine my actions and sanction as required
I require an inspiration coming from within me towards me at a pace of lawful desire for I need rules
I am lost without rules
But that is why no other person writes like I do
I do not make rules for I never abide
I do not think about what I write
I only write what I feel
if I think it is merely to detail the exquisite
sometimes I write so fast I am unable to keep up
two words ahead
I love writing
it has brought me pain and trouble
it has brought me love and understanding
but it has brought me wasteful feelings
a vast range of feelings I throw on paper
like thick waves crashing on the sand
I crash...the words out of my system

 and yet I cannot understand why I am so insecure with what i want to say
I used to be a strong woman
I felt like I was a strong woman
but today I delved into the weak woman that I think I've become without restriction
I didnt cry
but i suffocated my talent
I didnt scream
but complained
I complained about me

its going to fall
I can hear it
I can see it
more more
its going to come falling for the weight is too much and the angle is too sharp
I am a strange sort of woman focusing on the little and zooming out from the important
I focus on the detail
and yet never occupy myself with too much detail

only I can stop it
only I can stop what I dont like
only I can make the good movie of my life
only I can make myself famous

a part of me knows this
and a part of me is always searching
always demanding that tommorrow will be different
will be adamant to succeed
and yet I never succeeed

or is it that I do succeed but cannot see it
I cannot see the great success inside me at best coming through
I cannot see the smart detail of my intellignece
no i only see the black dots
the grey lines
the red vocabularly
i never see all the other words written with all their glory

i love writing
but I hate it at the same time
I do not know where it will take me
to a great sentence
an exact meaning
a powerful expression
but is that good or bad?
is it not terrible that the perfect thing is said what comes next
I rather search for perfection rather than find it
its like what happens after the they lived happily ever after
the end
and I do not want it to end
I want to continue
searching writing asking wondering hating crying loving
I want to continue searching

deep down you know you havnt really tried

Deep down you know that there is one hting you have not tried
Deep down you know that this is the answer
Deep down you just know that this is the answer
Deep down you just know that this is the only way things will change
Deep  down you want things to change everyday
If they dont change will die....early
you will be living dead
Deep down you know that is already been happening
Deep down you know yourself more than anybody
Deep down you need the inner girl within you to get reborn
Deep down you know how that can happen
but deep down you have never tried to do it
deep down you need courage you need love you need to take it day by day
you need to take it day by day
most importantly
Deep down you need to start today

motive believe


Today is too dry 2

I just want to feel free
I want to look free
I want to be i control of my freedom
 i want to dance life the way I want
I want to wake when I need
sleep when I can't
run when I slow
smile when I breathe
I just want to be free
I want my body to look free
I want my mind to be released
from its cage
I want to wear black like white
and white like black
I want my colours to run
into freedom
I just want to walk free
free from the devils 
free from a blocked fat soul
free from a naked mind
free from a broken body
free from useless words
free from everything that I hate within me
and I just want to be free
from the past
the future
the present
I want to be free from the itchy feeling
of distaste
lack of memory
lack of courage
I want to be free
when i dance in life
rather than spill in life
and die in life

Today is too straight 1

I want to bend my life into existence
Stretch it out of boredom
dance the world away
I want to become a different creature
an interesting kind
I want to become 
something else

I want to change rapidly
I want to change dramatically
I want to feel differently

I want to draw circles around the x's
I want to turn and miss the bad spots
I want to glide and reach the good part within me

I want to look beautiful
not because i look but because I feel

saying the same thing a different way

 Ten is just a number only you can make it mean something
all ten times means is that youve failed ten times
it means you still have 90 more chances to succeed if we say you had 100 tries
it means that youve found 10 wayas that do not work
it means you were unsuccessful 10 times but that you tried ten times
even if you want to not say that
all it means is that you did not try hard enough 10 times
you always hav a next time
as long as you are alive
as long as you are not dead
10 times is a lot
but 11 is more
you can look at hte 10 all you want it wont go away
but you can stop 11 ,12 ,13,............
if you really want
you can stop it all
the past 10 and the future can be eradicated from any new 10 failures
it will just be10
and you can say butI passed 90 times if we say 100 tries
even if we say 30 tries
you have failed a third
and you have two thirds to pass
if you pass the the two t hirdds then you pass the whole test
and the bad third will be forgotten about
is a big number
but 20 is bigger
10 is a ig number
9 is smaller
8 is smaller
do you remember when you were at 8 did you know you were gona be at 10? no
you thought the exactsame way now
I want to stop at 8, 7 ,6
but it didnt happen
so you failed
at 5,4,3 and now you are at 10
do you want at 15 to say one time I was at 14,13,12?
do you want to feel the same way you felt at 8 at 12?
will 10 be the same as 25?
or will it be 10
the end

1 song, 2 different meanings

Been Given 24 hours to tie up loose ends to make amends
Head spinning around 
suddenly no time to sit down
just want to run and run and run
be careful
DONT wish life away
Imagine if 
I only have one day

and I CANT believe how IVE been wasting my time
Imagine if they were laying flowers on my life
that life 
 I do not want

I magine if it was over 
there would be no 

Heaven and hell
there is 
is it only then
I will see what matters to me
THE places I ve been
The People Ive seen
Plans that i made

life that I left fade
will it all be clear 
when the price is too dear
to return and fix things?

why I cannot dance
even when the lyrics of life
do not match with the story I want

see what I mean

hair loss

There was once a girl with beautiful hair
each strand represented a day , a memory, a beautiful thought
she covered her hair loved her hair combed her hair wanted her hair to be an emotional secret 

But the wicked witch inside her grew nad grew until she convinced her to let down her hair to stop hiding her hair, to stop protecting it and thats when her  hair turned into a witches nest ,
where it harvested pain, pleasure, desire, lust and ....she suddenly lost the black shine, the smooth curls, the long silk running to her shoulders it was like an evil spell coming true a poisoned apple attacking the softness
suddenly it was sharp, rough tough brown? or was it grey? broken strands on the floor and most importantly
this hair was now no longer hers it was no longer under her control under her body
it was no longer to be proud of
it was no longer to be clean of to be talked of to be smiled about

the mirror cried for it could no longer show her the good and beautiful it used to see
the lamps tired of shining for they had nothing to shine for
she started living in a place damp cold and queit and alone
she was alone
she lost her hair
she lost its suprise
its black beauty
its tremendous strength
all she could see was ....clumps of mistakes
each mistake had cut a piece of her mind
until there was no longer anything t o .....take
it was all just a distant memory now.............

10 - 1.5

Today......I feel like my life has disintegrated into nothing
 I feel like I have become nothing
I feel like I lost every piece of good in me left
I feel dumb

Today.....i know that I am a person with no strength
just weakness
no perserverence just stop
no patience
just rush
no sense
just tense emotions
flaccid muscles
overall a pathetic existence

Today...I am small
I am an extra large small
I am a deep worry of distrust
I am a broken record
I turn and turn and turn around in circles

living my life in dreams
living my life i wrong dreams
other peoples dreams
like a virus clingin onto other peoples sucess and hoping it could oneday be my own

Today I am the world I hated
I am the planet of remorse
I am the galaxy of silence
Today I do not want to say anything
do anything
be anything

I just want ot take time back
i want to get a new mind
I want to exchange this faulty soul I havae
I want to replace my thoughts
get new models of them that work better faster last longer
 Today I do not want to be anywhere
everywhere is wrong

Today I have reached the end of my disintegration
the end of Hope
the end of me...... anything that was left of me .....anything possible
is gone

this morning

My life is a disaster
I do not know what to do
I am sad and mad
I am ugly from the inside out
so ugly
everything I do is ugly
I am fearful of everything
I am the person i did not want to become
my body is changing for the worse
I am no longer young
I am no longer sweet
I am just a biter old lady with lots of regret

Monday, November 28, 2011

Khartoum heartbreak pre 3

I lost the game a while back in Khartoum
I broke the law of love a while back in Khartoum
I lost the role of courage a while back in Khartoum
I discovered the evil side of me a while back in Khartoum

Tell me......
Dear Khartoum
could you ever forgive me?
I a stranger, thinking I could get your touch

Tell me
Would you accept me/
or would you send the enemies for me
would you send talk and spatter and wrong eyes
would you let the heat attack and the dirt combat
all my tries
would you insult me
like i insulted you

or would you forgive me and change me
and offer me

a freetime balcony osmehwere in your middle streets bending on your alley ways
one of the cold days of winter
would you lend me the night as it crawls overmy temper and makes me a better woman
would you let it sink in the stars beating the sky navy the moon travelling distance into my heart the street lights colouring my portrait of tonight
the traffic is still expet for random hearts like me
my job is to remember this poem it would be

could you ever give me one of your land space to dream?
or for my dreams to come real?
Dear Khartoum
I have always fought foryou here
it might not be much and I know it is not what you need
but dear Khartoum
I wish you would offer me

a piece of your nature
a part of your success
a piece of your insulation
and a part of my mind
give me a part of my mind back

I applaude you for your living strength
I aplaude you for wisdom even though you are far away from the boundaires of regulations

this is why I love you
lack of regulation
lac of speculation

that I could ever be......unhappy

only if you open the blacony I o desire
only if you could open the balcony into my heart
and close the balcony of my creeping nightmares

please God
I beg you to help me and saveme from who i have become

Saturday, November 26, 2011



There is a new Queen to be born

I feel like all my jewels have been stolen

I feel like all my nice things have been taken


I am just pure and raw

beating with the a broken heart, a tired heart,



There is a new mend in place

it will take place


Because Tomorrow is  the new arabic year

different, unique, forgotten, but amazingly important

1433 years ago, my beautiful religion started

its never betrayed me , its never parted with me

but I
I chose to break my relationship in return breaking me
I chose to cut it out in return cutting me

but I
sit here today, the lost the losing the loser
I dont walk further ,
I dont wake
I dont ......
Or I am eating my heartbeat away

Tomorrow because I am so tired I am going to try
I am going to cry for another thing, for other things
for new things
I am going to stop because Tomorrow
a new day is here

that no one knows about
that no one cares about

but I Do
my new year
my new start

and it starts with forgiveness.........

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Undisposable dreams 6?

I just dream of simplicity
something beautiful
something that I deserve and that deserves me
but wait

what is it that I deserve?
I dont know

I just dream of a kind girl
one who cares about the world
about herself
about her life

one who forgives herself before others
forgives others

I just dream of a love kind
a love sweet
emotional yet makes sense
not over not under
just exceptional

Khartoum Heartbreak pre 2

In the morning I kiss you good night

for its just the end of the beginning

summertime love, winter explicitlessness, african jungle of bitter sweet emancipation

I guess i met you for a reason only time will tell

I know forever and ever I'm under youre spell....even though I am wide awake

are you a simple perfection ? with an honest complexion
sweet tasting seduction on a a background of delicance
I beg for your eyes - A Khartoum vision of beautiful suprise
the bridges connect us
the cars talk about us
the houses reminisce our holding hands
the children laugh with us
the taxis yellow our hearts
the markets open us
and the nile...the nile waters us
for its in its black silver water of romantic predispostion I get the cure to love you

you're doing something to me
in the morning evening
the night is still young
but the lights are coming through
the twilight is still speaking
the midnight s listening
the day is calling
but the night is never postponing

my intentions are clear

what are yours>?

Khartoum heartbreak pre 1

(the pre collection) -

Last time I caused the city to bleed
it cried as I came to visit and never asked it how it was
it sobbed as I passed through it unaware at its beauty
it had done so much to greet me
applaude me
love me
make me me
and yet
last time
I shed no affection for the morning dusk
or the afternoon anger of heat
or the mid evening licence to silence
or the sunset glow
or the evening kisses of the moon
or the dark night that catches the stars

last time I hurt the feelings of the streets, the rocks the houses
I was arrogant and disobedient
a foreigner coming to intrude the meaning of stillness trueness
the walls had to collide with my crash
and the gardens had to distend with my poisons

last time I turned my back to the sillhouette of the midnight trees
and the sounds of the morning birds
and the whispers of the beautiful elderly respected
and the everlasting love that cannot be contained or explained
in khartoum

Khartoum heartbreak - pre
as I walked out into the tarmac to catch my flight away from home
the whole capital cried
for it had lost a part of its persons and I had lost a part of my natural instinct to take care of myself
and my country
it was just lucky that the sound of the plane was so loud no one could hear my screams
no one could hear my rubbles of dreams crumbling
as I got on the plane I couldnt look back for I knew
I had hurt my only lover in this world
I had broken up with the place I was born
I had terribly destroyed the relationship between myself and ......  Khartoum
and it hated me
for coming to it and doing this to it in its own place
it hated me because I was sudanese and it loved me for who I was - but never what i had become

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Let me telll you
this is the last time I will feel like this
this is the last time I will be empty
not just in my education but in my care to be educated
I feel lost
and this loss is no fault but my own
I feel sad
and this sadness is no reason but for my own losses
I feel betrayed
and no  one
no  no has betrayed me but myself
I feel ugly
and no one thinks that but me
I feel like I dont deserve anything good to happen to me
when I really deserve the world

let m tell you
I only get one chance in life
so why am I giving away my life to
somebody else
to something else
to somewhere else

let me tell you
that I am sad because I havnt achieved anything in my life
and I am afraid that I wont be able to
not becasue I dont have th e abilities or the skills

but becasue I simply have given the abilities and skills I have .....away

let me tell you
my mind is in two places
the one good and the one bad
the one determined and the one sad

let me tell you
things are going to change
predominantly within me inside me
I no longer care about ....well nonsense
imagine a queen caring about nonsense
the two words dont meet
and the result is unlogical
you have a beauitufl queen who can rule the world, rule her world
and all she rules......
is what order does she do things the devil tells her

she can rule the world and she rules
is her souls decompassion towards her

i feel sad
at the time ive lost
at the words ive lost
at the questions I havntbeen able to answer
at the good things I have in my life and cannot see
or worse can see them but dont cherish them
I feel sad the
importance i give things
praying last
lamees first
I feel sad

and its time tochange
only some things take priority
only some things have priority
and they are
faith and God
this does not mean family is least important but it means that all those four are on the same level
they are all TOP PRIORITY

Monday, November 21, 2011

Ive lost you handsome soldier

you swerve in chivalry
ignite in honesty
walk in bravery
talk in spirituality

You dive in loyalty
Rise in superiority
but never in vanity
cool with tranquility
cool with serenity

I like you
I need you

you are the handsome soldier of my dreams
the one that I think of over and over
no mtter how much I may have forgotten you
or changed you
or even killed you

somewhere you are always mine
somewhere I come back to you
becasue you are the truth
you are the nice of everything
the beautiful of everyone
the centre of me

I am sorry for all ive done
I am sorry for all ive said
I am sorry for all i havnt done
I am sorry for all i havnt said

I wish I could turn bak time and erase anything  that made you unhppy
even though you do not know me or see me I know you would be unhappy

I wish I could change things and be the woman you deserve
for when I look at myself now I do not see the woman of YOUR dreams

I wish I could find you
maybe my life will get ...transformed

but I know that is unfair
for when we meet
it si the transformation we both create that is unique that is ours
and I am selfish to ask for both tHaT and ThIs

Re ignite you Handsome soldier......

Handsome soldier
I think ive been trying to find you everywhere
my search went wild in every place i looked
in every man
within myself when I couldnt see you anywhere
I made you up
I drew you
wrote you
dreamt you
invented you
Just so I can see you
I wanted /want you so bad

handsome soldier you were the first poem I ever thought of
and since then it never stopped
I try and kill you and you just come alive again
I want you
the man who will fulfill my destiny

But its funny becasue even though you take up all my life
you are not in my life
and even though I love you more than anything
there is something I can htink of that I love more than you

Handsome soldier
you are the first thing on my mind
and that is not perfectly right
if you were the true man I want , you even would not want that
but i spill you complicate you
change you
when it really is so simple

Love my faith more
I love God more
he is the only first thing in my life
andbecasue it has not been so
my life has been a disaster

more importantly
I never thought about what you want
if you are the man of my dreams
am I the woman of yours?

why am I so selfish?
it cannot be so
surely it cannot


Equation of life 2

You are better than this?

You = Hope
are better = you can do something different to become stronger
than this = than what you are now

Hope you can do something different to become stronger than what you are now

Sunday, November 20, 2011

ya allaH!

Ya allah!
I am sad
I am so very sad
I feel like I am being hypnotised away from you
I hate this trait
I remember you when it is too late

Ya allah!
I cannot do this anymore
be a person who doesnt think of you
be a girl lost without you
be a woman growing without your guiddance

Ya allah!
I am breaking
losing myself day by day
looking at myself in th mirror and seeing ugliness

is this how  you see me?

Ya allah
sometimes I do not know what to do
 Ifeel terrible I just want to bring back tme
its turning too late
one day it will be too late
and I do not want that day to come

Ya allah!
save me
I beg you save me
something is stopping me
something is pulling me
something is changing me

Ya allah!
take me back to a time I am yours
this is the true love story
I am yours
and you are mine

Ya allah
bring me back to day from that day
let me skip all that terrible failure i have become

Ya allah
save me
please save me!
Ibeg you look at me
but dont hate me
dont detest me
but sorse
dont take all the fiath you gave me
I knwo I am not worthy
but if you help me somehow I will become worthy

Ya allah!
save me
plese I beg you save me

BUT she is there and I can see her but I can I stop her?

I am jealous
it is a terrible emotion
it sucks all my devotion
but I am jealous?

I get jelaous of her dress
her eyes
her words
the girl of my dreams

I get jealous of her body
her money
her rhapsody
her lover

I am jealous of her sweetness
her deepness
her happinness
her magical existence

I am jealous of the way she talks
works with everything around her
and changes it to love her

I am jealous of her stealing my dreams away
for theyre hers and not mine per se
once upon a time she will take them away
the woman of my dreams
the one I want to make gleam


she will say
you punished me looking at you
you hurt me thinking of you
you broke me looking at you
you suffocated me challenging you

she will cry
everyday I tried to save you
every hour I screamed so i might help you
every minute I didnt stop begging you
to stop what you were doing and look inside you

Look at me
the one who holds you dear
I am you but you made me dissappear
I am the one you were meant to shine with
together we would live rich , we would live dear

Why did you do this to me
what did I do for you to do this to me
feed me evil feed me misery
take me nowhere emprison me
make me watch nightmares and leave them frighten me
why did you do this to me
take away what was most important to me
like your breath , your eyes, this is so important to me

She will say
she will cry
Look at me
why did you do this to me!

all I see is that I am jealous of the girl within me
the one that I canot let escape
the one that tortures me
with all her beauty

She is wonderful
she knows exactly what she wants
I can see her enter the right rooms
drive the right cars
meet the right people

but most importantly
I watch her
waking up on time
sleeping organically
with a face sleeping angelicaly
with a rhythm that is blissfully

I want to be her
I want to wake her
tell her
I want yo to help me
show me how we can be one

I reach my hand out
I want to touch her
So we become one
the woman of my dreams


Sleepless while you were sleeping
praying while you were praying less
courageous while you were fearful
easy while you were dramatic
dramatic while you were easy

we are too different
you cannot see what i have been pained by
I cannot see what you are in love with
I hate it when I see you lifeless
I hate it when you feel lifeless
even though life is inside you
ready to go life
I think ivedone everything to show you

i cannot see
I am no longer going to show
its too late
Please dont go
you are my dream
my real dream
my only dream
the one I will wnat forever dont go
i have to there is no longer any use in staying with you , loving you asking you to see me
NO no
have i ever begged you like this
have I ever told you all I want is to be you
have i ever begged  you for your helo
yes its true youve always tried to give it to me freely
and I am sorry for never taking it
but today
today I beg you to help me
Dont go

If I was the woman who wasnt here today

If .......I was the woman I wanted to be
perfecct in all honesty
would all my dreams come to me?
or would I still be wanting them , wanting to see

If I was the woman I needed to become
Would everyhting I wanted just be done
Would all my sadness turn and be gone
or would I still be searching for dreams that havnt come

If I was the woman whose failures didn't exist
would those failures be sadly missed?
Would it be a failure that they were all fixed?
or would it be great, that no failures were on my list

If I was the woman whose life was re arranged
would I be happy or would I be enstranged?
wouuld I be normal or would I be deranged
would I feel ok or would war be waged?

If I was the woman whose life made sense
would it be beautiful or would it be nonsense?
would it be relaxing or would i get tense
would it be passionate or lack all dense?

If I was the woman who got all she wanted
would it be perfect or would it be distorted?
would it be extravagant or would it be flaunted
If I got all I wanted...would I be relieved or would i be haunted?

If I was the woman who had no fears
would I never cry or would i miss my tears?
would everything show or would everything dissappear
would it all be consice, would it all be clear

If I was the woman whose life was mine
would I order another or would I live divine
would I take what I have and make it fine
or would I throw it away and not look behind

mixed up

sometimes I feel like my dreams are so expanse
they are not for me
I mean I am just a holder
for someone greater 
someone better 
to come do them
the dreams
I  hold them in such high regard
but I am also torn by them
lost by them
involved in them so deep
I cannot swim back
I cannot de passion my love for them
I cannot ignore my heartbeat crying for them
the dreams
its like someone gave me them to store
to mind
and I fell in love
in that time
one day their owner will come want them
and what will I do?
those dreams are so special to me
the existwithin me now
they wake with me
and evn though they damage me
they make me live
what will I say?
they are my dreams now
 once they were yours
but now they are mine
I want them
I want them to come true
to feel right
Picture this......
vast magnitudes of sun burn the day
its 50 % outside
half the temperature of natures passion
trees rupture
flowers expand
cars boil
streets kill the heat by speeding silence
and I
burn with desire
somewhere in a Khartoum window
I watch this tropical inferno
and I burn with desire
 silk red emotions
black power of lust
gold lights of temptations
white heaven of trust
pink table cloth of set dinner table
delightful taste
your tase
sweet velvet is aching
soft curls are changing
I am burning with desire
In a khartoum heart
it is breaking the romance
but I succumb to its existence
i spin in its turbulence
the heat watches
still in the air
as I care
never to cool down
the sun devours what I have to give
burning and burning it starts to live

Disposable dream with and Un before it

If I want you

If I need you

would you understand how I mean

If I pray for you

can I have you?

If I think of you

And dream of you

trying to make the fantasy real

would you understand

If I looked up to the sky

and said come by come by come by come by

would you free me?

Time On my Mind

Do you understand how valuable time is?

Imagine that every breath you take is stored away in a locker and that on the Day of Judgment these lockers will be opened. Can you see them empty or do you see them full of service, help, invention and worship? Picture someone throwing a hundred thousand dollars in the sea; he would be considered crazy and be put under great restriction. You do the same if you waste your time, for your greatest assets are your breaths in this limited life.

Take me for who I am

There's...., no point in being sadThere's ...., no reason in being mad
if you lose control
then YOU will fall
and it's like drug addiction
you become addicted & addicted
until from your own life you get evicted
and you are homeless from your dreams
you haven o light to beam
There's....., no benefit in asking questions
about all the wrong and obvious sections
YOU get upset
for your love will never be met
by what you see
no instead he
will hurt you
and break you
and shake you....down
even though it shouldnt be like that
that you can take your heart out of your chest and see how in pain it is
it shouldnt be like that
that your chest aches from someone elses secrets
that you have to hold other peoples secrets andt hey dont even know this
its the opposite of bliss
its the devils kiss
to know things that collide with all your simplicity and make you.....complicated
so within that complication I  try and be able  t o find communication

Undisposable dreams 2 is here

I still dream of Love to take me places I've never been like holidays in the stars or visting galaxies by car

I still dream of love expanding through all my horizons and changing my world

I want it to be clean like white pearls and deeper than the deepest oceans

I want to fall in it's desire until I Can melt all the icebergs with this heat

yet I want

I want to be lost in it's translation from language to language for this love is different

it is untold it is unspoken

Lyrics of songs from arabic to english

Can I take some of your time
one word and then Ill go again
in your eyes I see something that comforts me
I want it so I can live
hundred questions in my mind
when i saw you

how was your life before me with someone else?

So I can rest
I have a suggestion
lets forget the past
lets live together

lets dance


there are things I dont believe ive found them
your eyes on mine I feel at home
and nights I found in you
this is a chance ive been waiting for forever

Why is it hard
the choice is easy
either I am with you
or you are with me

When the sun stops its sunrise
When the trees stop swaying
when all the flowers wither away
I will forget you


Saturday, November 19, 2011

Beautiful Nightmare part 7

Beautiful Nightmare part 7
Julia smashed open the door of the back garden. The heat of the night clung to her face only heating it more. She delved behind the trees and shrubs in her line so no guests would stop her to say hello and walked briskly, head low, feet obeying to get to the main door. She tried to keep her cool so she didn’t attract attention. If anyone did see her they would just think she was the sister of the bride. It was normal for them to look crazy. She made it to their outside door where cars were now built up, people were chatting in crowds and waiters were getting the pepsi ready. Julia looked right and left but could not see Reem. She began to walk to where they had been only a half hour ago half knowing she would not still be there for mum had instructed the house guard to get her out of the vicinity .Julia continued to walk but Reem was nowhere to be seen. She continued to fetch, her eyes frantically searching for the one person she knew had the answer. She went by the trees that lay sleeping on the street, stalked the quiet parked cars that were next to them, and suddenly she saw her.  Reem was in a small car parked under a large tree away from the house. Hidden, Julia could see only a side of Reem’s face but she immediately knew it was her. Reem was crying sitting in the driver seat clearly unable to move. Julia looked around her one last time to make sure no one was watching and walked closer until she was next to her car window. She kneeled to meet her and gently tapped Reem’s window. With a startled jump the girl’s eyes tightened to see who had disturbed her sadness. Reem and Julia became motionless for a while both letting the vastness of their troubles hold the air. Then Julia gently sat up and opened the car seat next to Reem and without allowing her to say no, sat near her. There was an awkward silence for a while as each hoped for the other to say something. Julia could hear the tears that Reem was trying to waffle. She didn’t know whether to hate her or to feel sorry for her. So much had been done to the girl but then so much she had done. Julia could only remember Reem as Lana’s best friend they had gone to school together, college together and always with each other. Lana trusted Reem with her life and So did Reem with Lana. Many the times Reem would sleep over, eat with them go to wedding parties and any family gatherings. Julia could even remember a time when mum liked Reem. But ever since Lana met Ahmed things changed. Ahmed took of Lana’s time. She changed as a woman and Lana wanted nothing but to be with him. Reem became jealous that Lana was distancing herself from her best friend but worse Reem became jealous of Ahmed.  Reem had let that jealousy get so far that she had tried to allure him into an affair. That was the day Lana caught them or rather Lana and Sam had caught them in Ahmed’s apartment kissing. Julia closed her eyes and forced herself to give Reem a chance, just now to speak for since that night, 3 weeks ago, no one had heard from Reem.  ‘’ I’m listening’’ Julia blurted trying to hide her maddening curiosity even though it was blatantly obvious. Julia wondered how hard it would be to get Reem to talk so what happened next startled Julia. Reem took a deep breath and without looking at Julia said ‘’ Julia, I’m going to tell you everything’’.

Beautfiul Nightmare part 6

Beautiful Nightmare part 6
Congratulations!  Lana’s aunt had already taken her by the cheeks the minute she put down the pen and tightly suffocated her instead of hugging her, while a whole long queue of women was forming to do the same. Lana could not feel anything. No matter how tight they held her or wished her a happy life together, or told her how beautiful she looked, she couldn’t feel anything. All she could feel was a stabbing pain in her heart, a shock of electricity, like she was the centre of the voltage; she was in the wrong circuit. She feared to look to her ...Sam who was doing the same thing as her, shaking hands and welcoming hugs from fathers, friends, uncles and other random strangers. All Lana wanted to do was run. Run as far as she could. Maybe if she ran far enough this beautiful nightmare would turn historic.  But instead all she could do was obey the crowd who was now leading Sam and herself to their first wedding dance. C’mon! It’s time for you two to dance together! She could feel hands holding her dress, arms, and veil as if to magically whisk her onto the dance floor, or was it as if they knew she was not going to go voluntarily? Sam stood up with a soft smile on his face, fixed his suit quickly and put his hand out towards her waiting for her to take it. Lana looked at his face, then his hand and did not look at his face again until the dance was over. He brought her to the dance floor where suddenly a hush entered the room like a new important guest had just arrived and the soft music started. All Lana could do was let Sam lead for she wasn’t even listening to the music she didn’t even know what song it was. Suddenly she was jolted into a space in time that shook her..... ‘’When we get married I’m going to choose our wedding song’’....’Excuse me? And you expect me not to know what wedding song we’re dancing to, until the day? Uuuuh, I don’t think so MR! In your dreams, besides I don’t trust you at all! You’ll put a rap song for all I know!’’ Lana continued to whirlpool into memory even though it was doing nothing but damaging her – She remembered everything, the cafe, the coffee in front of them the way Ahmed’s eyes glistened with care, love & laughter – she remembered her smile,  her happiness, her strength when she was near him . He had pulled his chair nearer and held her face staring into her eyes and said, ‘’Yes you do trust me, you know I would never let anything bad happen in our wedding day and I just want it to be a beautiful surprise’’. Lana’s feet stopped moving. Sam had been almost carrying her up to this stage. She kept looking to the floor and praying the song would stop any second now.’ ‘What’s the matter with you? You’re so stiff’’ Sam whispered. The words barely made any difference to her dying dance instead of wedding dance. If the song didn’t finish soon she could just see herself stop before the music did. Ahmed’s words were still pounding in her head. She ached to know what song he would have chosen, how it felt like to dance with him on a night like this, a night like their wedding night, how his eyes would have been like and how far her smile would have stretched - now she would never know, she would never know any of that. Her anger towards him for what he did was beating her heart; her undying love for him that she couldn’t stop or control was killing her, and the fact she just married the wrong man begged her to scream.

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -