Tuesday, November 22, 2011

TOP PRIORITY

Let me telll you
this is the last time I will feel like this
this is the last time I will be empty
not just in my education but in my care to be educated
I feel lost
and this loss is no fault but my own
I feel sad
and this sadness is no reason but for my own losses
I feel betrayed
and no  one
no  no has betrayed me but myself
I feel ugly
and no one thinks that but me
I feel like I dont deserve anything good to happen to me
when I really deserve the world


let m tell you
I only get one chance in life
so why am I giving away my life to
somebody else
to something else
to somewhere else

let me tell you
that I am sad because I havnt achieved anything in my life
and I am afraid that I wont be able to
not becasue I dont have th e abilities or the skills

but becasue I simply have given the abilities and skills I have .....away

let me tell you
my mind is in two places
the one good and the one bad
the one determined and the one sad

let me tell you
things are going to change
predominantly within me inside me
I no longer care about ....well nonsense
Imagine!
imagine a queen caring about nonsense
the two words dont meet
and the result is unlogical
you have a beauitufl queen who can rule the world, rule her world
and all she rules......
is what order does she do things the devil tells her

she can rule the world and she rules
is her souls decompassion towards her

i feel sad
at the time ive lost
at the words ive lost
at the questions I havntbeen able to answer
at the good things I have in my life and cannot see
or worse can see them but dont cherish them
I feel sad the
importance i give things
praying last
lamees first
I feel sad

and its time tochange
only some things take priority
only some things have priority
and they are
faith and God
Myself
Study
family
this does not mean family is least important but it means that all those four are on the same level
they are all TOP PRIORITY

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -