Monday, November 21, 2011

Re ignite you Handsome soldier......

Handsome soldier
I think ive been trying to find you everywhere
my search went wild in every place i looked
in every man
within myself when I couldnt see you anywhere
I made you up
I drew you
wrote you
dreamt you
invented you
everything
Just so I can see you
I wanted /want you so bad

handsome soldier you were the first poem I ever thought of
and since then it never stopped
I try and kill you and you just come alive again
I want you
the man who will fulfill my destiny

But its funny becasue even though you take up all my life
you are not in my life
and even though I love you more than anything
there is something I can htink of that I love more than you

Handsome soldier
you are the first thing on my mind
and that is not perfectly right
if you were the true man I want , you even would not want that
but i spill you complicate you
change you
when it really is so simple

I
Love my faith more
I love God more
he is the only first thing in my life
andbecasue it has not been so
my life has been a disaster

more importantly
I never thought about what you want
if you are the man of my dreams
am I the woman of yours?


why am I so selfish?
surely
it cannot be so
surely it cannot
be
so

...................................





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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -