Wednesday, December 30, 2009







and Found

The Love of his Life


and created

an image


Lost from him

he had to find out



across oceans


she is there


I think I heard his voice

I think I don't know



my fantasies

& my dreams

& my impatience

& my temptations

& my dedications

to find out







Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I...must trust u

I must trust you God
For you I can only know
and you I can only be saved
I try
to solve my own dreams
and yet you come by
and help me and lift me
so high
in ideas I couldnt imagine
I didn't ask for this
and yet it is here
blind love
your love
I trust love
I trust you
I trust you God
I must
for it is such
and agony
to feel and hear
and know
yet I don't
I am
in your hands
I am
with you
if you give it to me
I will take it
If it pleases you
I will do it
if you want me to be who I am
I will be
I ...will trust you and see

I...must thank u

I feel so dispersed with intuition and sensibility, yet aromas of madness and craze scent the rooms of my heart - the scent of need comes running amidst the impatient fires of my prayers
the feelings of honey farmland amongst the cloudy sunset in the countryside of time and 7 hours away, cells of river nile water carress my skin, love cleans my family and hope begins a new day
i want to enter into a world where there is silence except the tension in african bliss running through the streets of apassion, canvassing harmony amongst feersome destiny- grazeland - trust in my man - intensity of life where latitude lifts me high into the african rural lust -
I feel like I remember going and dreaming - true dreams- yet I forget them ,and now - he's forcing me to include them in my every day thoughts - going and coming through the skies for you - I would do anything for you - for I love you and want you - somehwere - somehow - I saw you - I cant think- I feel - choked with the memory _ I can't stop - come to me - or I will come to you - fast - so fast - I feel infuriated with myself for doing this to myelf while making myself become someone else when the answer is so near it yelps- whatver happens the answers are always so easy -
I think about african stardom nights intoxicated with magical attention humming the condition that I tremble with wonder at nature and at you - I wonder about somewhere far away in the distance , that you have to travel to , that you have to get to - the answer lies in traumatic beauty of suspense - in brown desserts of oasis kisses - in affairs of the sleepless -
I am jealous of myself - I am jealous of so much pain and worry and sadness - I am afraid - of so much thought - so many aspirations - so many breaths --- taken for you

Monday, December 28, 2009

I never usually 41

I wish it would rain on me
lots and lots of rain
i wish i would get soaked
so it take everything away
all the things stuck to me
i wish it would rain so much
i would get invisible
my skin would become water
my heart would become clean

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I never usually 40

i have so much to say
but all i can say is...
i can't say anything
i must stay quiet
i must find myself
in the silence
i must find myself

I never usually 39

I cry with all my tears running inside
all these emotions of fantasy and despair
they return to make me
lost for words
if i could write as much all these numbers of tears
if i could say
i would stop to eat
and then to think
think about all the drama
suddenly appearing in my life
i feel emptiness
i feel changed
i am so difficult to change
my mind
my mind is so damn stubborn
i wish i could just rip it out
i wish so many things
but mainly i want to love God a lot
love faith a lot
love myself a lot
love the good side in me

I never usually 38

i feel something torn inside me
no matter how hard i try to forget
it clogs my future
it feels awful
it feels like its eating all my life away
all the life i spent living
someone has come taken it away
and the worse part of it all
is.... I can't tell anyone
this is a secret worth ....
worth a lot of damage
worth a lot of pain
that cannot b recovered from

I never usually 37

i love you , more than anything in this world
i love you so much it hurts to think about you
i want to be with you all the time
all the time
i want you to know me
for who i really am
i want you to stop all these people hurting me with their words
i want you to become a part of me
and I... a part of you
i love you more than anything in this world
even if we fight
even if we argue
even if we come undone
we are strong
all the time
i love you all the time
i know you all the time
you make me feel like this all the time
nothing changes
even if all the world around us does
nothing changes
i think that i'm lost right now
so lost right now
i can't find myself
so if i could find you

I never usually 36

I can't imagine what to say

the start and the end are so mixed up today


sometimes u may feel distrust towards those you most love

and adore

and need


that feeling that is so important to you

the feeling that when you fall,

they will be there with open arms to hold you,

will give you wings to fly

will wipe your tears dry

will always try

to save you

Thursday, December 24, 2009

the end

WHAt are you doing?
stop this
stop this now
stop this pain and evil thoughts
Stop this attitude this eagerness to do something bad
stop this hate and want to find out something mad
stop this
stop these thoughts
stop these words and tries
and efforts
or you will be the woman losing in the end
the end

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Friday, December 18, 2009

I play
wicked with fate
I am late
for being here
I am wicked with sins
they win
I am a show of despair
I must repair
all the unhappinness growing lines within my soul
otherwise I fall
into applause of broken attitude
and attribute
to expense of lost time
i ryhme
for me, for you
I applause for
nothing.. but emptiness

Clock of Time

Clocks of time
where will you take me
through a play of hope
will I stay
at what cost?
clocks of time
what are your seconds
made of
sharp love
or from god above
you give moments
chosen equipment of desire
i retire
from asking
clocks of time
take me where you want me to go
where you need me to go
where god has shown you to flow

London eye - the eye of my life

So many things to see , but I can only see one thing - I can only want one thing - I can only ask for one thing - I can only be filled with one emotion - so many things to be - but I want to be 1

It's time to be white...again

From the night before , It's been snowing with desire and lustful winter wishes of a girls imagination intertwining with all the fantasies of a tired soul and cold of the heart - I imagine love under the whiteness, I also imagine hot stars - I imagine a lot of things but it seems that white comes with patience, white comes with time ,white comes with new hopes and hard work to make things right - forget the past - the past is already cast - but now changes come as more and more snow is made - and it not about to fade - now is the time to become - the shade of white

I want to become someone else yet stay the same , I want to love myself for who I am but also for the changes that i've done - I want to be white inside - I want to be happy inside - I want to be forgiving to myself I want to uptake dreams and let them be - I want to wait for love and let it be

Blankets of snow fall, I call all the pearls outside my window to forgive me, for they must hold beauty of angels frozen with the winter wonderland of the world -

I want to write before the snow melts and my heart rents
all the emotions of heat underneath the cold

right now numb to the core of happiness, my feelings of intentions are purity to remain white

white with innocence
white with decadence

white with elegance

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I don't know... I just don't know

its funny i guess

so many thoughts and dreams

and yet it all could be a road away

a couple of miles away

I came here for a reason

to get my life together

to start a new life

to love my life

and i am not doing any of those things

but i came here for other things

things i might not even know




loving myself

Loving God and faith

I don't know

I dream of cotton dresses fitting perfectly under a khartoum night blissful with family intentions and relations of love... food and stars glisten and taste of candy and watermelon in blaconies of retire... I have sides of hope and scope held in position and apposition to justify my life going right no need to be jealous or viscious - no need to be scared

no one is going to take something you own away from you

what God wants will happen

today you will not see

but it is not up to you be

to be in control of this

its up to you to control somethings ,yes

but not this and that

I wish you would understand

your emotions are like the blizzard outside , going in one direction blowing and blowing anything in their way

asking for no discussion or meaning

just throwing cold as if heat

frozen moments in a cold apartment in your heart

I wish i was in sudan

living a life of fantasy

of agony with passion and dreams coming true

dreams i make with you

handsome eyes in my mind

falling armor within my hands

finished translation with your words

untitled 1

Think about what you've done
but what you've done is gone
the future takes place , in combined response with a life of dramatic experiences
mixed with the chances given to you to check position and feelings
no one is perfect
said but the mist unperfect of glittery stars
extended magic and preowned confidence
where did the mind go?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Try again

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I want to live here

I want to live in a pinnpoint of african bliss- I want to drink tea in balconies swinging with khartoum architecture - falling in the arms of heat and beat of lustful darkness - I want to come about the bends and trends of khartoum's bedazzling streets & fashions - lost in the intention of connection with nile rivers and new shivers of winter desert - I want to sit in africa knowing that africa is mine and divine with intervention of hope- the hope inside me - I want to feel stupid with happinness -like listening to a thousand songs you love all at once - I want to write something that comes true - next year - i want to write something coming true - I want to write in africa - I want to sleep underground of despair with my family and overground with the earth of my land - dispersed shreds of the parts of my life _ i find amongst seconds , minutes and hours lost outside the boundaries of truth - outside here I feel locked in things I have to do _ in a life that I do not want - yet it is my life and i cannot regret being here - still this destruction of parts of me everywhere - is crucially the frown on my face - all the time - I want to live here - In khartoum - africa- my hometown, my birthplace, my whole life -

shooting stars a long time ago

Let me tell you something -never -have i ever -been a size 10 in my whole life

I remember laying in the garden of altayif suburban khartoum - bewildered with bewilderment - lying on the corner of my sweet fantasies that had begun - just a few days ago - still immature love growing in my veins - - flowers sweating with the nightly air - I threw the sheets of my skin, for i was hot with my new aspirations and imaginations bendingwith the savana of the streets blowing the predispostions of handsome future

Listen to the sky - my grandmother sleeping sevenly times awaiting the azans of tommorow - I was still superficially engrossed in the whispers of african bliss in tonight's romance - i was young - encapsulated by the silence of glitter above my bed -i was struck by desire to grow, passion to melt into arms of golden love, love to find - my love

and then it came - a shooting star that ran across my heart - passing through my heavenly desires and into next door- there - i didnt see myself here - - i saw myself closing my eyes when the light passed across my bed and I dreamt of what i wanted, letting it come true for I believed in you - nights of africa

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I never usually 35

What did you want to tell me!

Tell me...

What do you think?

She stared into his eyes, fearful of the powerful words stirring inside her - but that was how she felt and she could no longer hide it -

I love you


I can't describe it, it just makes me cry

so bad

i cry like i've never cried before

my heart is burned from all that people say

but escpecially from what i say

I say.... I have not tried hard enough

not now

not ever


tears roll down my face as I remember all their words

all their words


from big to small

from wise to silly

everyone thinks the same

and they are all right


Did the slap come here?


his fingers carress her cheek, gently pulling her nearer to kiss the past away -

is the pain gone now?

yes it did!

This peace, this queitness, I wish it never ends

lets stay here all the time, shall we?

we never leave!

we stay here

we dont even move

they find us here like this

locked in an embrace like this

He closes his eyes for a moment , smiling

A, I've never loved like this






everything is mixed up

I feel dizzy

I am like in a dream

don't ever wake me up

I've waited so long for you to tell me all these

it was the first day i came here

I came across you

I understood it by that very moment

understand what?

That I would fall in love with you

however hard I tried

however hard i tried to stop myself

I would never run away from you

Everything was in vain

now i know that I cannot be without you

I will never give up on you

I never usually 34

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Time is Precious

I have so much to say so I better say it before i forget and regret not saying it
Today I know that time is precious
and so because of that I am never going to waste time again
when i think about all the time I used and abused
it makes me sad - and mad
because its embarassing really
to know I have wasted such a precious gift given to me
by god who truly loves me
time is precious
and time will tell
I cannot speed time
I will never know whats happening if its not time
time is precious
if anything makes me angry with myself
its not using time correctly
its... forgetting how god gave us time
how god is responsible for your time
time is precious
and its very hard to take it back
let me rephrase that
you cannot take time back
so its time to change the way you treat time
its time to really become that person you want
its time to forget and let heal
and dont waste time ever again being sad
or lonely or afraid
or angry
or fearing... about that time in the future that you just dont know
its time to change
not again
becasue I never have thought like this
time is precious
time is young
but can get old so quickly
time is fast
so i must be faster
time is
a gift
that I have thrown away
time must be mine

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

No mirrors today

No mirrors today
For It would only portray
a girl with a broken heart
a woman with a lost start
a hope with a forgotten dream
No mirrors today
For yesterday I was paused into bewilderment
No longer am I known to my self , no longer am I in touch with my identity
I'm just ....

Monday, November 30, 2009


I truly believe the universe moved for me to read those words that day

I truly believe I flew all around that same universe to see fabric hidden of something dark and dispersed contained behind millions and millions of little secret build ups of provisional traditions and


I truly believe / \I felt pain, I felt distraction from order, I felt disbelief so much and so bad that I threw it out

I threw out any evidence and prayed - for that would and could be , the only thing available to give me closure

but this case, these thoughts are never going to close

no matter how hard I try

it is always in the back of my mind

everytime I try forget

my heart twinges

and my soul fringes

and the past and the efforts of twisted fate and bad destiny deep in my body cringes

I dont know

I truly believe everything happens for a reason

but I don't know

where and when is the reason

I hope I find closure , without it closing

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

welcome to this dance

You see your whole world collapse - for suddenly things become subtly filled with the temptation to dance to this crafted song , somewhere in subsaharan african destiny

I open a page and the night melts into my hands, glistening in all the right places, satin waves through the earth of magical african lovers, urban classic feelings of the beginnings of a romance amidst the ballad of the future, their hands are in each others hands touching the dream of happiness, staring down at her wedding dress, I can't imagine another word or letter of his jazzed connection with her body, and she - she is on the side of romantic madness or sensible infusion of trust, the verge of wanting something so bad... and finding it - memoirs created and repeated as if a heartbeat, as if a breath - her breath was shallow, as the adrenaline perspired though the flowers in her hair - gentle aspirations of becoming his other half - he held her like she was him - the only part of him thinking, beating , fighting about a hundred miles an hour - racing afar the stars - past the galaxy of tonight and into the universe of each others life collapsed into desire, innocence and seduction - its all in their hands, this is for real for real for real - what I want - I cant cover their intention of making history, or winning this competition with fate -

though the lights were low, I could see them both through a lovers sillhouette,

drawing me into their beauty, like untouched heaven, so close - fragranced with perfection, dazzling with pearls , all the sequencesoft dress and veil - veiled with his suit across her , they were partners never made to part - his black twilight's navy of romance of night standing armor , suited to admire time and sown hems of charachter rolling down the windows of meaning into someone's dreams -

you see your whole world through a small but beautiful room, decorated with fantasy welcoming guests and bringing joy on a stage of angels making - I could see them both, my heart stood still I just froze right there - dancing with him looking like what he needed me to be - can't believe I'm here - near him like this - searching for time to stop so I can try again to live life to its fullest - for he takes me into the beats of his heart as he makes me feel like I can't understand but tonight the wide opening of his soul, heart and mind - his eyes... his eyes beg me to love him more every second - you see your whole world up close and personal magnified track 1 made for you - his heart beat is made for you -

I never usually 33

As sunset fell and evening came

he had invited her to dinner and nothing would ever be the same

finding his heart through the sillhouette of the night

he made her dinner , and put chosen flowers and candle light

under a heaven of garden trees, over turkish yard of romantic history

... he placed dantelle interlaced with intensity of meaning

he was ready to say a lot of things

he was ready to become a new person

he didnt even know what he could do when she was near

but he wanted her here

Trying to make out how lovers really do work and the beauty of simplicity, thought and time intertwining with the magic of evidence and love, I wondered about their agonies but their kindness at the same time, I searched for the invitation to come - to their world, for this dinner party was precious and viscious with romance -

I ask god to help me and save me from myself

for i could become the third party in this festivity, yet I know I don't want that

I want to be invited to somewhere else, by someone else

amidst my loves and pains, new changes and inner weaknessess

I dont want to dull for a my own dinner party

I dont want to rust or dust

I want to create my own passions and fantasies

uknown ..even to myself

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I never usually 32

So happy, so so so so so so happy
but to get to that stage
there is a lot of hard work
no matter what your pathway is
no matter where you want to be happy
you must work
and wake up early
and stay up late
you must clean and dust and polish your faith
you must argue with yourself about your mistakes
for no one can intimidate you more than yourself
in order to be happy , you must try
and never lie to yourself
you must consider options and let your hair down to life
for you to be happy you must consider yourself lucky
and stop making people think you are not
stop making yourself think you are not
think of it this way...
Not all people know that rythym you know
for you to be happy you need to understand
and command, you understand
you do notwant to understand yourself
you do not want to know who youare
andwhat you mean to yourself
or what you need
that is why you arenot happy like how they dance
like how they feel and know and love
and dance

The Diva Chronicles_shake me 2

let me tell you about a girl who lost her way

once upon a time she used to pray

and asked for all things she wanted in her life

until one day she gave up for no reason at all

she let herself fall

all the angels were so suprised

they were so used to taking her forgiveness up to the sky

but all they could see now was a girl filled with a lie

for she was living her life for all the wrong reasons

breaking promises and weakening her soul

why was she taking this role?

she wasnt like that at all

once upon a time she trusted her faith

once upon a time she had strong dreams

once upon a time she never gave up

now it didn't make sense what was up

what was wrong?

was it a devils new trick

or her soul was sick

or her mind was quick... to be impatient

well whatever the problem the wind blew strong

and the roads grew long

whatever it was

this girl was far

and could no longer find stars

to wish upon

whatever it was

this girl was crying

and no longer trying

to find a solution

just a while back there was so much success!

and dreams did come true!

proof came about

that in God there was no doubt

So what was the difference now?

Why the break in Love now?

How could she think like this?

and live like this?


This girl need shaking

and waking

and talking to

this girls needs a replay of her fascinating memoirs

her life and her dreams

this girl needs ....herself back

Saturday, November 21, 2009

shake me

So little time, with so many things left to do
So many problems with such few answers
few answers that I should take
and make the right choice
so many right choices that I have escaped
so many quick pathways that are wrong
its taking too long to wake up
and shake up
yesterday and the days before
its like... i want to hold my shoulders and shake and shake and shake my body out of my body
my mind out of my mind
and let a very cold jug of water be thrown upon me too
like prayers
I need something to shock me
and im searching in all the unfaithful places
I need someone to hold me
but all I need is God and his love
His love and beauty is right here for me
he has given me so much
and so many things
I need and dont need
I feel priveleged and undeserving of his kindness
its like the lover who gives you all and wants nothing in return
just wants you to love him and be there for him
and be good to him
isnt that what love is
so why am I running away ..from him
from God
my lover
my best friend
my indication of beautiful Islam

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I never usually 31

....Is there something wrong?

How did you reply to that man>?

What do you mean?

And it's none of your business

More importantly, there is no question asked to me

Ok, if he asks, what are you going to say?

Will you sacrifice yourself?

.....You have no idea about me

Where did you get these ideas?

He takes two steps to reach her, staring into her eyes explicitly, he catches her hand before she can escape out of his love

I saw how you two danced

.....How were we dancing?

He grabs her waist and pulls her nearer,

Did he hold your waist like this?

D, Don't do this

I, have to go

Did he look into your eyes like this?

Leave me...

Are you still that girl who is very proud

or are you going to choose the easy way?


Am I still that girl who is very proud, or have I taken the easy way out

Will I take the way that I don't have to sweat and starve and try harder and harder, wake earlier and sleep later , and think stronger and act wilder and softer at the same time

or will I take the way that I just hide, and have no pride,

Which way is more romantic?

which way would make my life and my faith proud

my faith

I miss my faith

its the lover i lost

the lover i have replaced

and stopped its trace of beauty on me


I have forgotten its place

In my life

I left it stand on the balcony and i didnt come dance with it

I feel uninspired anymore



Plaiting hair in sudan is very traditonal and beautiful, different ways and styles, sizes and rythyms to get the hair plaited and held in place - it really matches the african sudanese hair and face, girls look really pretty and suited to plaited hair and long ago, plaits were traditional all the time, even in weddings (unlike now straightening hair and foreign hairstyles)

Old money notes of Sudan

The old 25 & 50 Pence of the Sudanese Dinar -

نص الجنية

Symbol of Sudan

An old symbol of Sudan - Placed on the old flag - It marks a history of a lot of lost meanings and ideas that presented sudan long ago

مسطول Rings HP

مسطول اتصل على خدمة العملاء في شركة( اتش بي) وقال ليهم انه الطابعة فيها مشكلة

الموظف : المشكلة شنو في الطابعة

المسطول : الماوس معلق وبالتالي الطابعة ماشغالة

الموظف : الدخل الطابعة في الماوس شنو ؟

المسطول : إممممممم لحظه برسل ليك الصورة

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I never usually 30

Hope, Is that romantic to you?

She screeched into my heart, briskly undertaking the information of reality, as if I didn't know reality and how I felt, her solid nature dulled my life for a minute, as her words encapsulated mme into small things - I wanted big things... very big things...

so it only took me less than a minute to answer

...That is so romantic to me... you don't even fact.. I just learn from that and i want to create more...I want to create better


2 weeks ago delving into the resquing position, i threw a rope to my heart and body that fell over the edge of a cliff a long time ago

dead, i presumed, I held my position until my life began to come back

i saw myself breathing again, feeling again, truly understanding again

and then came a blizzard of denial again... my hands got weak

the rope got heavy again

I tried..I have tried

but instead of pulling up, i am pulling down again...

you see sometimes, i think like open stars in my closet, glistening when i dream at night, blinding all the devils and trauma away

and when i wake up

the sun still has not come up and i can see the merging of night and day, birds singing and all, songs attribute to the waking of my soul, for i pray on time, and i eat on time and i drink on time

cardemon tea hot to my memoires, it wakes me gladly for my body is engined to fuel correctly -

I know,,, that the time is right again - for this is where i need to be , and this is what is set out for me...perfect...very perfect



i want to jump time even if its dangerous, even if its embarassing and sickening and hurtful

even if i know that it is wrong

so i am stuck watching a closed door closed for years

years & years

i know that , when the time is right that door will open for me

yet, i am still insisting stubbornly to wait

to hang up all the other things and wait

for what?

for something god will give me or choose not to give me

for things in my life that can happen or not happen

that are made for me and i cannot change them

except pray for them

and deserve them

I am wrong

I am very wrong

I am acting like a ...spoiled ill position blind illiterate drama

I can't hear, i cant see, i cant understand, that i am being changed

to someone wrong

to something wrong



I have a lot of dreams

I have a lot of love

I have a lot of imagination

I have a lot of mistakes

I have a lot of dreams

I have a lot of romance

I have a lot of kindness

I have a lot of madness

I have a lot of differences

I have a lot of time

I have a lot of agonies

I have a lot of fears

I have a lot of tears

I have a lot of things i don't know

I have a lot of things I want to know

I have a lot of temptation

I have a lot of desire to ask for

I have a lot of things I want to ask for

I have a lot to give

I have a lot I regret

I have a lot that I suspect

I have a lot I want to forget

but most importantly

...I have a lot of my life that I still have not met


Look at this picture:

I dream of egyptian satin covering my glowing skin of sand fruits and visiting waters of an egyptian sunset glittering the beginnings of a new love story, a strong love story, a creative love story, a proud love story, asking to be tendered and wondered by its makers, now there is nothing wrong, today everything is here and for you to love... moons of honey breaking the time of kings... eating sweet things and feeling like a queen amidst the giza landlife of triangular romance--or alxendrian secrets, or sharm magnets of conenction or.... gold

gold sunsets and flying kites...i see no fences between this growing beauty into this corner of the world

dusk sits and trees wave hello here and there to love

balconies interlace with heaven and flowers look beautiful

the queit... is intense with agonising dreams

it is a place i could trace with my fingers touching its scent of dreams

Friday, November 13, 2009

I never usually 29

Why didn't you want me to go with you?

Why didn't you answer your phone?

Because you turned off your phone

I had to do it

I don't think so!

You didn't want to hear my voice because you didn't want me by your side

I didn't miss you at all!

me neither!

Sure, if you act like a stranger, you won't miss

You let me be a stranger!

Not at all!

Are you sure?

Her eyes, her eyes beg him to stop this, this argument, this anger - missing him was torture , and now that he was here, all she could do was be angry, trying to be proud - for if he did not give in, she could not either....

Her eyes were the language to his soul, he understood what each frantic stare was, every blink, every happiness, every sadness - she missed him, she was scared -

and suddenly all he could do was under estimate the passion he had for her - holding her face within his warm hands , her soft curls falling in his jacket, he kissed her cheek, touching his lips was a mesmerising intensity,she kissed him back with blinding need, holding his hands, the only thing that made her feel safe, making sure he never let go - -

I never usually 28

This is a beautiful place

Loving life is exactly like this

I am learning it now

How did I ever live without you?

........This place makes you think about things

It's like looking at the whole world from a small but wonderful spot

Every problem seems meaningless here, doesn't it?

Is that why you have brought me here?

........No, it's because I love it so much

When I stay here a little bit longer , I feel weird,

I think about people who were treated unjustly

When was the last time you came here

....The day before we made up... I realised I treated you unjustly here then

Then what brought us together is also this antique place in a way


Shall we have our wedding here?


Why not? I'm waiting for that day, impatiently


we are reunited

You are mine and I am yours

Yes..till eternity

My dear

Whatever happens I will always be by your side

I have waited so long to hear all these

You will trust me all the time... won't you?

All the time!


...........She smiles

Are you even asking!

She keeps smiling - showing him her joy, her relief, her love for him

he is overwhelmed by the strength of his desire, but the calmness she brings to his heart

he leans in gently as she raises her lips to meet his,

it's a moment when everything is still, but the closeness grows closer,

his feelings growing a million times stronger

Shall we go to our home tomorrow?

lets have a dream?



I love you more than anything

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I never usually 27

I can't find any words to console you

Why are you keeping queit?

why don't you shout?

I deserve all that

I've never seen you like this

you are not someone like this

...............What would you like to see in me?

One that blows like a storm

Taking everything that comes in her way with her

...................I just want to be queit

You've shown me who I am

An eagle with no wings

An eagle who looks around for hunters with a fear inside

but it knows that the hunter will win in the end

You won

Even with no wings, you are an eagle

But I've never been a hunter

But you took the most valuable thing that belongs to me, away from me

You took it and destroyed it

Do you understand that?

You have a problem with us?

First you took our land

understanding land

is in a way understanding a human being

but you didn't understand

I know that you want to hurt us

whatever your case, it will never end

I can't be like you

I can't tie up peoples hands and arms and then just watch them

Now, you got what you wanted

I have to go...


Listen to me for a while

Don't go like this

...You won

You reached your goal

I lost it

Are you happy now?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I never usually 26

It seems to me you're looking for an excuse to leave this city,

what about the ones you're leaving behind

arn't they important to you? will be better this way

you are that sure, really?

.............. she nods, hoping that she can hide the uncertainty of her fears inside, the weakness in her voice, so afraid of what could happen next moment, she nods, trying to convince herself before anyone

.................I'll start from the very beginning here, I should not look back, so nobody looks behind me either

Do you want to be forgotten ?

.................She thinks about this, thinking about what brought her here, what she was trying to achieve.... to be forgotten, to try and forget... she wanted to forget , the past, yesterday... her insane love growing for him every second...

................. For those who can forget , yes.......

I never usually 25

I must not consider, for if I do, I have considered the destruction of my soul

You see ,sometimes people feel distrust to the person whom they should most trust

you feel theyre hiding something

that is right in front of you

but you are just on different lanes to see it

sometimes, you think that you could discover

if you just looked here, or went there, or even asked

but when you think about it

you are destroying yourself

wasting all this time




out all the options of a possible disaster

lets saY it was true

lets say there was a trick somewhere inthe middle ofyour life

spirits falling aprt under a different light you would see.... a shattered mirror reflecting a thousand pieces all piercing through your heart

lets say...

you were staring right at that mirror

would you be satisfied?

that you got to this place

that you found what you were digging for

or would you wish you were back to the day

you were only .... wondering , whats underneath that earth of lies

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I never usually 24

See, I told you









I never usually


Flushing dreams away

Theyre running because I dont pray

as i just lay, blinded

by intellectual fanatasies

romantic ugliness

shaken upbeaten havanas in dirty mud

I feel down

I feel full

with nothing

just waste again

again & again

I never usually live like this

but I do now

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I never usually 23

Whenever it gets this quiet, I just want to daydream

Can you close your eyes and have a dream?

But let the person whom you want most, to be in it as well

...........I dont want to dream

Just once , can't you do something I asked for?

Don't you have time in your life that you can let go of?

Is it too hard to dream about it?

....... If you also do, I will

He nods as she closes her eyes into a space that he has gently pulled her in

You are not actually dreaming, you only do as if your dreaming

......................Don't disturb me, just look at our own dream!

She closes her eyes again, this time... she pulls him in,

into her eyes, into her face, he is now passionatley involved in her, her dreams sit on his heart , he feels uncontrollably lost in her memories, he wants her so bad, he cant be held back no more, he is.... ridiculously too far near her now

...........look, but you are being a spoilsport!

nothing ... his eyes remain on her soul, he can only hear his heart beating so fast, so real

I know exactly what I want, I am at a place where reality and dreams are mixed up

Here I am sitting at a small restaurant.... watching you

Since you heard my dream..lets hear yours

.....I am walking on the fields with my dad

There is the smell of soil that got wet with the rain

my face is getting wet by small drops of rain

I am happy

But it's too hard for that dream to come true now

I envy those drops of rain

are you going to leave yourself to other rains?

won't i see you again?


Rain,... they say angels fall with the rain, taking your dreams and taking them back to the sky

here, it is cold, when it rains, I think of umbrellas and going inside,

but when I see the pearls on my window, when i hear the noise of the storms

I wonder about feelings of despair and happiness at the same time

rain is depressing but beautiful at the same time

In africa... rain is an intervention of the privacy in your mind, swinging to the sound of its beginning and the sways of nature it sings, rain is always intimidating to the heart,opening the truth within you, I open the windows asking for the wetness of a dry continent to come to me, if it cuts electricity that may be even better,for I no longer need anything to light my life, with the the position of this intensity, the darkness sweeps me into the beatings of a fascinating merging -within my dreams and reality, I am wet with all the angels falling down, I am the winds shadows of time, the cold is now heat of love, the floods soak my passion and lust I am carried into the clouds of raining Sudans land, rain becomes me, fixes my face, fixes my hair, fixes my body, fixes my life as my life, now rains down on me

So you see, rain is a part of romance, whether I cannot be in it or whether i can , it will always be a part of me, always asking for my concern, trying me, to one day - - - stand in the middle of somewhere and just let it rain.. - as all the stars watch

I ... close my eyes and dream too

I never usually 22

nee da?

why are you ignoring the obvious?

why are you shoving it far back in a place hidden with your consent to become ignorant about the obvious?

why are you forgettting that the simplest explanation is the obvious one, the one that is more likely?

why are you forgetting that time, that day, thatsecond, when thoughts checked into realisation and it was right there, it was ..right there and you saw it, why can't you see thats obvious?

why did you read it, and get shocked by it, trying to elimate the verbs with your eyes, over a cold freezing shower, in a suddenly freezing apartment, in a very obvious freezing truth

why , wasn't it obvious?

messages and passages into someones secrets you know that you cant hide that you entered

you were given a chance to see,

now that was obvious,

flying over seas and lands, you flew, you were alone, you were brought all the way down back so you could... see the obvious, that you had been so obviously worried about , and it had become ... now inflicted as a true secret sitting on your life

isnt it all abvious, now, then, tommorow, what's going on?

so why are you not accepting the pain of losing

so why are you not accepting the worry of words

so why are you not becoming the change you need to be?

strong and different with all these dreams forgetten , for they had been crushed and that was very very obvious

nee da?

Sudan...Desire Me

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -