Friday, May 20, 2016

Friday joy... A new start

Friday chapters
New feelings and born ideas and strengths
Friday beauty in its peace offering
Its honesty within those hours of calm
Of subtle work
Friday quench of all the weeks trouble and divine chance for making a miracle
Friday existence
Always a proud honor to be a part of it
Adding more
Adding new
Adding something
Changing something
Making something
Believing in yourself and in your goodness
As i start this friday i think 
All i want is to be obssessed with myself in the healthiest happiest of ways

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Dear Allah

DeAr allah
Thank you for your treasures
For your secretive hidden ones that are hard to  find
For your  processes that bring me happiness even though i am not worthy and selfish 
But i know that i am a good person and that allah is there for me... To forgive me
And dear allah ... I thank you for your kind gifts Nd your expensive gifts
Your moments of hardships that give me those everlasting happiness
Ya allah
I ask your forgiveness
Your joy
Your situations thT teach me
That bring me sucess all from your patience
Ya allah
Forgive me
And bring me closer to everything healthy amd good
Ya allah 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Me i just want to be me

Why do i love the house of angels that dont love me? 
I love their space, their tries and cleanliness that suceeds., their good thinking and healthy yumy delicious sexy food, made with the upmost care and love 
So much love you can see flowers breaking free with joy dancing around the house
Floating above the faith
Releasing joy and happiness and strength wherever they go
I love their garden
Filled with identity and questions being answered
New things
And nice things
And pretty things
And things thought of and dreamt and hard work paying off
I love their pigtails and their toobs that are fresh and plain coloured
Wasnt that my idea? 
Just like the strawberry smoothie
Also my idea
So why does it feel a million times nicer at their house
It doesnt feel like the world at their house
If feels like discipline is easy and beauty is sound and everyrhing is possible or impossible and it feels like a palace

And then i look at my own home and i think 
I am a lovely person maybe more than them 
I am a clean person i am an imaginative person
A modern and exciting person
And so i deserve credit for my own home
The one my family built and the one that ive been living in... Happily, calmly, sweetly, kindly and honestly i do love more than anything
But i want to improve 
I want to merge my own greatness with theirs
My own imaginations with new ones
My own explorations with theirz
I want to mix my life with the goodness that o see
The role model that i want to reach
And i only want to go forward
Want to reach somewhere 
Want to be somewhere

For i am in the middle
For i look at a house like this one
Once something now just nothing
Worst than nothing worst than evil and worst that pain
Just scarecrows and blackbirds
Just black clouds and rotten things rotten  rotten things and rotten feeling
Really that apple with worms inside
With complete failures and complete devil  employment
This house is a manly gross monster
Like a broken down hotel with no identity
Just a bunch of people living together
Trying to make something of themselves
With the ugliness thatthey have
No flowers here
Just bats hiding in the trees and misery blowong in the air
This place is maddening
And yet

Here i am comparing some partsofme with some partsof it
Yet alwayz i come back to my dreams
Look forward to the place i want to be like so much and that is...

Friday, May 13, 2016

The phonecall

Aw thats nice
Just a telephone filled with prayers
I dont deserve
My love is channeled to those who dont want it and yet to those who do ... i fail
I feel like i am a mutter of unnecessary broken things inside me
Like turmoil within me
Why am i like this,?
Unfair and mean when theyre so nice
But i know that life is balanced
And just as i am kind they are also selfish 
But i am indifferent to my emotions
I do love my family
And i dont particularly deserve all those prayers
If i hadnt answered no prayers
Simple as that 
So why do i deserve? 
And here i am thinking about other people
Like a love affair
Someone elses family
Someone elses tries and hardships
Someone elses thoughts and way of life
Exactly like an intruder
And yet i am still intruding
Yet where i am accepted and loved
I dont feel like i belong
Now that is tormenting and evil and a personality shocker
I belong in my family
No one can choose their family
And i love my family
The ones who have failed me i can only simply fail them
The ones who have dissapointed me
I can only simply try to let go
The ones who i cannot understand i can only simply try to ignore the misunderstandings
The ones who i have fought with
I can only simply ask for forgiveness 
The ones who anger me
I can only simply hide those blazing emotions from the camera
The ones that care
I can only simply care back
And the ones that love
I can only simply love back
But whatever i do 
I cannot substitute 
I cannot love another family and hope and woth for their familial love back
No i cannot and i will not

Striving for...

I love their atmosphere
Like clouds of soft calmness and perfection instilled upon a world of drama
No, no drama here
Just the discovery of fresh flowers and juice
People connected like goodness is to a sweet heart
Beautiful draping curtains
Outstand a carefully created garden
Grown for hope and freshness
Like the tasty aubergine musaka amazing friday lunch they may have
Maybe with a new recipe of cake at the end
I see the fresh toobs 1/3/5 colours ironed crisp in the layers of beauty of their home
The dove used monthly
The antiques in the bathroom
The joys of a perfect wonder of subtle people heroes of their day

And yet... I dont like everything
Not their protruding boring extravaganza of talk 
Or is it that my words are so monster i see theirs as magnifecent torment of silence of discipline
Yes discipline 
That i definitely do not have
Oh i wish i could live there
Or would i get bored
If i learnt about the mechanics
The travel of light of a new day
Electricity or not
Shines through their windows and doors
Even when closed
I am desperate for their love that i will never have
But what i want more than ever is to find a resolution
With myself
A space to love all i have so that i can turn it into what they have... And what i have
Now that would be special
That would be unique
And magnifecent
Beautiful khartoum 
Meets travelling beauty
Meets artistic knowledge
And happiness
Yes., i love them 
But i love my fantasy more

Monday, May 9, 2016

more than a gift

Do you have a name?
is it joyous or magnificent or proud
is free but hte most expensive gift on earth
is it unbelievable or tormented with happiness
is it beyond speakable trust in you
and in myself
is it beyond explainable dreams coming true
i just cant feel it or even come near to grasping it
or even controlling it
realy me?
is this happening to me?
but iam the one who doesnt deserve
theres a difference between one who doesnt know do they even deserve or not
it doesnt matter to them theyre not even on that level  of
what does Allah think of me?
but I am the one who always hs this conscience tht hurts because i waste all good things given to me
like money
or beauty cream
or good salads
or books
or magazines
or anything
and so i think do i really deserve  a new gift upon all others i have?
but this isnt just any gift
no this is beyond a gift
this is beyond happiness
it is beyond my belieifs
this is beyond faith and trust and hope and love and laughter
this is Allah loving me
cherishing me
having me with all my sins
accepting me
having me in his arms and giving me this treasure
this is Alh wanting me and not giving up on me
when i gave up on myself

to be continued .....

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Dear Allah _ thank you and I am so happy

Dear Allah
no matter how much i thank you
it is not enough
not enough power , not enough words, not enough kindness within me to convey truly how much kindness you have given me
there are not enough ways i could begin t cover my gratitude and all the happy feelings i'm feeling
whether they're right or wrong
justified or not
i could not thank you enough for your love
for your kindness
for your trust in me
for not making me in that percentage
for helping me and fixing me
and changing me
and helping me to change my heart
Dear Allah
I thank you for your offerings
and for your blessings
for your promotion and for your true heaven that you have instilled upon me
Dear Allah
there's nothing wrong with being happy
theres nothing wrong with loving your gifts
with feeling proud and happy
with feeling kind to yourself
with feeling like
yes i do deserve
yes i can have
yes I can feel all the things i wanted to feel and all the things i wanted to have and all the things i yearned to dream can come true
all from Allahs giving
and miracles to me
i am so happy
and i am not going to be afraid of being happy
am not going to be inconsiderate of my feelings
or my experiences
whats been is been
whats happening is happening
and am going to live that
with every happiness in my soul
Ya Allah
I just cannot thank you enough
and i cannot thank you truly and honestly for all the beautiful things you have given me
thank you Allah
thank you

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -