Friday, May 13, 2016

Striving for...

I love their atmosphere
Like clouds of soft calmness and perfection instilled upon a world of drama
No, no drama here
Just the discovery of fresh flowers and juice
People connected like goodness is to a sweet heart
Beautiful draping curtains
Outstand a carefully created garden
Grown for hope and freshness
Like the tasty aubergine musaka amazing friday lunch they may have
Maybe with a new recipe of cake at the end
I see the fresh toobs 1/3/5 colours ironed crisp in the layers of beauty of their home
The dove used monthly
The antiques in the bathroom
The joys of a perfect wonder of subtle people heroes of their day

And yet... I dont like everything
Not their protruding boring extravaganza of talk 
Or is it that my words are so monster i see theirs as magnifecent torment of silence of discipline
Yes discipline 
That i definitely do not have
Oh i wish i could live there
Or would i get bored
If i learnt about the mechanics
The travel of light of a new day
Electricity or not
Shines through their windows and doors
Even when closed
I am desperate for their love that i will never have
But what i want more than ever is to find a resolution
With myself
A space to love all i have so that i can turn it into what they have... And what i have
Now that would be special
That would be unique
And magnifecent
Beautiful khartoum 
Meets travelling beauty
Meets artistic knowledge
And happiness
Yes., i love them 
But i love my fantasy more

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -