Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Me i just want to be me

Why do i love the house of angels that dont love me? 
I love their space, their tries and cleanliness that suceeds., their good thinking and healthy yumy delicious sexy food, made with the upmost care and love 
So much love you can see flowers breaking free with joy dancing around the house
Floating above the faith
Releasing joy and happiness and strength wherever they go
I love their garden
Filled with identity and questions being answered
New things
And nice things
And pretty things
And things thought of and dreamt and hard work paying off
I love their pigtails and their toobs that are fresh and plain coloured
Wasnt that my idea? 
Just like the strawberry smoothie
Also my idea
So why does it feel a million times nicer at their house
It doesnt feel like the world at their house
If feels like discipline is easy and beauty is sound and everyrhing is possible or impossible and it feels like a palace

And then i look at my own home and i think 
I am a lovely person maybe more than them 
I am a clean person i am an imaginative person
A modern and exciting person
And so i deserve credit for my own home
The one my family built and the one that ive been living in... Happily, calmly, sweetly, kindly and honestly i do love more than anything
But i want to improve 
I want to merge my own greatness with theirs
My own imaginations with new ones
My own explorations with theirz
I want to mix my life with the goodness that o see
The role model that i want to reach
And i only want to go forward
Want to reach somewhere 
Want to be somewhere

For i am in the middle
For i look at a house like this one
Once something now just nothing
Worst than nothing worst than evil and worst that pain
Just scarecrows and blackbirds
Just black clouds and rotten things rotten  rotten things and rotten feeling
Really that apple with worms inside
With complete failures and complete devil  employment
This house is a manly gross monster
Like a broken down hotel with no identity
Just a bunch of people living together
Trying to make something of themselves
With the ugliness thatthey have
No flowers here
Just bats hiding in the trees and misery blowong in the air
This place is maddening
And yet

Here i am comparing some partsofme with some partsof it
Yet alwayz i come back to my dreams
Look forward to the place i want to be like so much and that is...

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -