Monday, May 9, 2016

more than a gift

Do you have a name?
is it joyous or magnificent or proud
is free but hte most expensive gift on earth
is it unbelievable or tormented with happiness
is it beyond speakable trust in you
and in myself
is it beyond explainable dreams coming true
i just cant feel it or even come near to grasping it
or even controlling it
realy me?
is this happening to me?
but iam the one who doesnt deserve
theres a difference between one who doesnt know do they even deserve or not
it doesnt matter to them theyre not even on that level  of
what does Allah think of me?
but I am the one who always hs this conscience tht hurts because i waste all good things given to me
like money
or beauty cream
or good salads
or books
or magazines
or anything
and so i think do i really deserve  a new gift upon all others i have?
but this isnt just any gift
no this is beyond a gift
this is beyond happiness
it is beyond my belieifs
this is beyond faith and trust and hope and love and laughter
this is Allah loving me
cherishing me
having me with all my sins
accepting me
having me in his arms and giving me this treasure
this is Alh wanting me and not giving up on me
when i gave up on myself

to be continued .....

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -