Friday, May 13, 2016

The phonecall

Aw thats nice
Just a telephone filled with prayers
I dont deserve
My love is channeled to those who dont want it and yet to those who do ... i fail
I feel like i am a mutter of unnecessary broken things inside me
Like turmoil within me
Why am i like this,?
Unfair and mean when theyre so nice
But i know that life is balanced
And just as i am kind they are also selfish 
But i am indifferent to my emotions
I do love my family
And i dont particularly deserve all those prayers
If i hadnt answered no prayers
Simple as that 
So why do i deserve? 
And here i am thinking about other people
Like a love affair
Someone elses family
Someone elses tries and hardships
Someone elses thoughts and way of life
Exactly like an intruder
And yet i am still intruding
Yet where i am accepted and loved
I dont feel like i belong
Now that is tormenting and evil and a personality shocker
I belong in my family
No one can choose their family
And i love my family
The ones who have failed me i can only simply fail them
The ones who have dissapointed me
I can only simply try to let go
The ones who i cannot understand i can only simply try to ignore the misunderstandings
The ones who i have fought with
I can only simply ask for forgiveness 
The ones who anger me
I can only simply hide those blazing emotions from the camera
The ones that care
I can only simply care back
And the ones that love
I can only simply love back
But whatever i do 
I cannot substitute 
I cannot love another family and hope and woth for their familial love back
No i cannot and i will not

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -