Friday, May 29, 2015

I am a brilliant app

All over again? My own fault? My bad memories my strengths my fears my weaknesses? What about my laziness my despair my wish to be that oneand yet doing nothing about it

When i saw her today i remembered our tutorials and how 1 day i was the best i certainly felt it but today although i was there i wasnt there in soul for deep down i was troubled my own setbacks , not her successes 

3 years - my brain cells slowly wither away fir i have not used them

I also felt powerful today. I knew things wven though those were not backed up except 3 years ago- so i imagined whatwould happen if i had backed it up

I am choosing differently
I am trying
How many choices yeaterday and today
Whole burger meal but not 279 hamburger
Not too many not too many
I thought that curved jacket was gorgeous
A real treat
I am proud of myself for finding it
I still have 5 days to go
And 30 to lose
And clouds to learn
And things i already have that i should use
My battery will cut on my phone
And sowill the battery one day in my geart but until then...
I am and i am and i am a beautiful smart woman like a brilliant app but just underused 

When i 

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

why so hard?

dontk now what yourdoing?
dont know what your saying?
dont know why youve reached a place like this
dont know why you keep lookingat other peoples lives with the dignity taht you dont give yours
dont know why its hard?
dont know whats wrong
dont know whats wrong with you
dont know how to fix it?
dont know what to do

ask yourself this

where do you see yourself in 5 years time
will i really be wehre i want to be
realy have all i  ever wanted
really make who i want to make happy
really be there in life and travels
or will i still be here
wishing to be tehre

ask yourself
why is it so hard
really why is it so hard

Sunday, May 17, 2015

want a new me

and in the midst of all that pain
Allah gave me a solution
I dont know I just felt taken care of

I want to go to Allah
want to run to him
want to break all my barriers and i want to give him all my fears
want to ask him for change and want to thank him for my life
I still want to be a representative - even if a junior one
want to be strong
want to be true
want to be happy
want to actually feel being happy and not just say it
want to be kind to myself
but want to be honest with myself
want to be without despair
without this...pain

Ya Allah
havnt been true
am sorry
please forgive me
please help me

That kind of heart

The one oozing pus from all the infection all the sadness
Torn and bruised from the outside it hurts so much to breathe
I get on the train and try forget all that 
It will be fun you know its not all that bad
Whata brave girl you are travelling in the woods
Being here
With all these people you dont know
On sunday
Gloom day
Massaging all the weakness into a glimmer of strength
Walking into the world with my mums words
CMon get up go! 
And suddwnly for a while i forget all the pain inside me
All the heaviness i carry with me
All the anger i have within me
All the frustration i hold 
All the broken anticipation
And all the pain i feel from that infected heart
And i buy a funky white jacket remembering the conference and imagining a strong woman
With a navy white stripped skirt as well
With her2 posters and her strong admiration to look proud
And then i walk into other sections
And i remember the presents i have to buy
I chooee pink
And then i say that i chose
It happened
It was walking towards matalanthat the words came out
And suddenly
I justcouldnt cope anymore
I didnt want to be here anymore the pain was just too much
All the pus coming out
My heart aching for a futur so dim
The power of lonliness
Gushing through
And suddenly i was crying looking at clothes
I was crying choosing a flat white from costa
I was cryig sitting drinking my cold flat white although i had told her i wanted it extra hot
No point talking to her
No point saying what i wanted
What would make me happy
Because nothing in the world right now

Could make me happy

Sunday, May 10, 2015


You can be happy in a dark area
in a broken area
if you put your mind to it
if you believe
you can be sad in the sunshine
or in the disbelief that God will not help you
you can be crazy if you want or kind
you can build yourself up with confidence
you can build your self with promises that you keep
you can be or you can choose not to be
you can be everything
you can be everything you imagine
or you can not make it because you didnt try
or you lied to yourself
you can wake up at 5 and go twice
you can be
you can be
you can be
you dont have to be stressed out

stop stressing out
Allah fixes things
and changes things
and makes things
and creates things
and even lets you imagine things that can actually be real

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Lot to say 1- being grateful

I have alot to say
Like how i miss my old ways 
Like believing in myself and actually liking myself
I miss my old ways
Like being a hard worker
Am fearing i cant remember no mor
For my phone holds precedence
My thoughts about what the future could hold holds rock
In my heart until no positive exists
You cant secrete happiness and goodbess
From darkness from mistrust 
From working poor
I hate who ive been lately
So autonomic
No reality 
didnt want to see reality no more
Like that time i failed biology 
Literally got an F
But then for summer i studied so hard i knew what needed to be donei studied and i got an A
Yes i remember
Here i remember
Like how Many timesgod has helped me and i dont bother to listenlike how muxh i want something but aint trying hard enough to get there

Like being ungrateful

Yes i have been ungrateful
So first bad emotion am gonna throw away before i even get on that plane is...
I will only be grateful for all the good things allah has given me
And all the good days allah has shown me
And all the happy memories allah has provided me
And all the wishful thinking allah has promised me 
And all the health i have and will have
And all the health i need and will get
And all the places i go and most importantly rhe lovely parents i have and more important than that 
The amazing man whos given me his all
The man who i trust more than i trust myself
And more than i could ever wish for
Truly to the core
I dontknow what i would have been without him

Note to self 
I deserve the best
I deserve it all
Allah loves me and has never let me down
But he does test me
Now like the brave woman you are...
Are you up for the challenge?...

Boarding.. Not yet

Here i am 
Back again
To my dreams 
Feels like never that im around
But the around i am in hasnt worked
Feels crazy that ive done this to myself
Looking at others in a way ive never looked before
Wondering whats wrong with me
Knowing whats wrong with me
And anticipating the best without looking for the best
I have the best and yet i treat it like the worse
I have a kind man
No woman could dream of
And i am holding his eyes like a gem
For they glow
He always makes me happy
Always makes me proud
And its time to look pure within myself and save it all....

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

no flowers this may

the glare from my phone makes my eyes water or is it the sadness from my mistakes
the shine on the laptop in the dark makes me tear or is it the madness on my face
I no longer like anything, i no longer have drive
all i can think about is the pain i have caused
to a good man

I wonder about things gone by
like a man suddenly dying of a heart attack that i sort of knew
I try remember his face and its gone...
but i do remember
I try and think about buses taken to grieve with people losing loved ones
I try and hate on mistakes of others
young old wise unwise
but i never
hate on my own faults

always making for myself excuses
always making for my heart an escape door
and now like the governement
i have a heavy tax to pay
and now like the government
I leave it to others to pay

no contract
no hard work
no money
and no gratitude

i miss my toobs
i miss my house and all the things I want to do in it
like a secret garden
like a red earth wall
with a huge big painting
like shelved with fairies
like a cake sitting on the freezer top
walnut maybe? or coffee

and a size 12

no guilt
no fears
no regrets
and togetherness

I try and imagine the smell of cookies i bake from zahrat alkhaleej or maybe even bread
i try and imagine a smile on my face
i try and imagine what that feeling would feel like

but all i have are tears on my face
and a plane ticket
and sadness as big as my weight ...........


What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -