Sunday, May 17, 2015

That kind of heart

The one oozing pus from all the infection all the sadness
Torn and bruised from the outside it hurts so much to breathe
I get on the train and try forget all that 
It will be fun you know its not all that bad
Whata brave girl you are travelling in the woods
Being here
With all these people you dont know
On sunday
Gloom day
Massaging all the weakness into a glimmer of strength
Walking into the world with my mums words
CMon get up go! 
And suddwnly for a while i forget all the pain inside me
All the heaviness i carry with me
All the anger i have within me
All the frustration i hold 
All the broken anticipation
And all the pain i feel from that infected heart
And i buy a funky white jacket remembering the conference and imagining a strong woman
With a navy white stripped skirt as well
With her2 posters and her strong admiration to look proud
And then i walk into other sections
And i remember the presents i have to buy
I chooee pink
And then i say that i chose
It happened
It was walking towards matalanthat the words came out
And suddenly
I justcouldnt cope anymore
I didnt want to be here anymore the pain was just too much
All the pus coming out
My heart aching for a futur so dim
The power of lonliness
Gushing through
And suddenly i was crying looking at clothes
I was crying choosing a flat white from costa
I was cryig sitting drinking my cold flat white although i had told her i wanted it extra hot
No point talking to her
No point saying what i wanted
What would make me happy
Because nothing in the world right now

Could make me happy

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -