no flowers this may

the glare from my phone makes my eyes water or is it the sadness from my mistakes
the shine on the laptop in the dark makes me tear or is it the madness on my face
I no longer like anything, i no longer have drive
all i can think about is the pain i have caused
to a good man


I wonder about things gone by
like a man suddenly dying of a heart attack that i sort of knew
I try remember his face and its gone...
but i do remember
I try and think about buses taken to grieve with people losing loved ones
I try and hate on mistakes of others
young old wise unwise
but i never
hate on my own faults

always making for myself excuses
always making for my heart an escape door
and now like the governement
i have a heavy tax to pay
and now like the government
I leave it to others to pay


no contract
no hard work
no money
and no gratitude

i miss my toobs
i miss my house and all the things I want to do in it
like a secret garden
like a red earth wall
with a huge big painting
like shelved with fairies
like a cake sitting on the freezer top
walnut maybe? or coffee

and a size 12


no guilt
no fears
no regrets
and togetherness


I try and imagine the smell of cookies i bake from zahrat alkhaleej or maybe even bread
i try and imagine a smile on my face
i try and imagine what that feeling would feel like



but all i have are tears on my face
and a plane ticket
and sadness as big as my weight ...........