Tuesday, May 5, 2015

no flowers this may

the glare from my phone makes my eyes water or is it the sadness from my mistakes
the shine on the laptop in the dark makes me tear or is it the madness on my face
I no longer like anything, i no longer have drive
all i can think about is the pain i have caused
to a good man

I wonder about things gone by
like a man suddenly dying of a heart attack that i sort of knew
I try remember his face and its gone...
but i do remember
I try and think about buses taken to grieve with people losing loved ones
I try and hate on mistakes of others
young old wise unwise
but i never
hate on my own faults

always making for myself excuses
always making for my heart an escape door
and now like the governement
i have a heavy tax to pay
and now like the government
I leave it to others to pay

no contract
no hard work
no money
and no gratitude

i miss my toobs
i miss my house and all the things I want to do in it
like a secret garden
like a red earth wall
with a huge big painting
like shelved with fairies
like a cake sitting on the freezer top
walnut maybe? or coffee

and a size 12

no guilt
no fears
no regrets
and togetherness

I try and imagine the smell of cookies i bake from zahrat alkhaleej or maybe even bread
i try and imagine a smile on my face
i try and imagine what that feeling would feel like

but all i have are tears on my face
and a plane ticket
and sadness as big as my weight ...........


No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -