Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I can't believe it.....that time of the year again

I can't believe it....it is that time of the year again
nearly that time of the year again
that time of the year again
when life begins again
and the past is forgotten again
and the future is fixed again
the devils are caught again
and the angels are reemployed again
it's that time of the year again
when the test of faith is hard again
but the love of the soul is sought again
and  the days and nights get mixed up again
and it's up to you to do your best again
it's that time of the year again
when your days stop living for life and instead you live for God and the heaven
your days forget your normal job or your normal tv or your normal anything
and everything becomes infiltrated with love and love for forgiveness

I...... feel very autonomic
these days I feel so autonomic that I need something deep and personal
I need something to open me and heal me and change me and shake me and remind me and have me with all my troubles and all my troubled past

I feel so dry I need something to moisten my cracks with nourishment
fill my dehydration with replenishing time
I have forgotten the use of good  time
as always....
I have forgotten true faith
I have forgotten true heaven
where is it that I want to go?
I have forgotten what I saw last year
I can never forgive myself for things i have done

I can still see the shock when I first saw your home dear God
when I first set eyes on your black and gold furniture of truth
when I furst couldnt talk or take my eyes off the wondrous beauty
 I was so queit I wanted to jump and scream and  tell everyone I was there
but everyone was not important
my eyes  and my soul were the only thing important

and as each step brought me closer to you it took me further from all that was wrong.........
oh how I wish I could play all that al over again
but I know I do not deserve
I know that I do not deserve to be the beautiful woman
for how can you be beautiful if you are ugly inside
but dear GOd.........
the time hascome where you forgive again
and prayers are answered again
and days become for you again
and we race to read for you again
and do the best we can again
and fall in love again
with all that you have created

please please give me the chance
I beg you
not just to let me live
but to rekindle in me all that is sleeping
to awkaen in me that scene where I am sweet again and young again in purity
in innocence
in time and in love
oh god how I miss loving you
you are the only real and true love story in my life
and i know I have betrayed you
oh how I have betrayed you
so much so my face hurts and my eyes are dark and my ears are broken
Dear God I am a failure right now
 icome to you a failure and a terrible person
and I beg you I beg you I beg you I beg you I beg you I beg you I beg you I bg you I beg you I beg you i beg you I beg you ....................to save me................

Saturday, June 18, 2011

En Route to......Faith.

Where is my faith
that golden happiness in my life
the one that made me smile and made life easier
made life had a reason
 a purpose
where is my faith the one that I lived for to die for to get reborn for
where is the one thing that really did make me feel beauiful

where is the faith in me that God has loved me always and always will
will test me but pass me
will forgive me and have mercy on me
where is the faith that i have mysteries to unfold
my life is wondrous

where is the faith to make me strong
so strong nothing can break me except fear from GOd
I .....suddenly lost that faith
and in its place are......hesitations
and wordly problems
and getting older fears
and beauty tears
and impression jealoust
and mean flavours

Instead of faith...........

Thursday, June 16, 2011

En Route to......Love?.....

The open wind escapes me and the humidity enslaves me in a seduction of tranquil mist
The grass nfolds me in a mystery of far away sanity where I reach out to find my soul
Here I am....... Miles and miles away from somewhere once Only imagined now I am in the imagination where one day I never knew now I know . One day I dreamt and dreamt to the power of unknown seconds that turned into years know I am in the dream
I am in the dream of the rising star and the falling moon the romantic journey andn the final destiny the chivalrous soldier and the undying strength of true love the unfailing bravery the time never lost and the eyes that only trust I am ...... Wait
I feel all the rythym in the sky and I her nature explode with gods love in front of me I see power beauty richness that I admit I have never seen but behind me and all around me I................. I fear o deep to write

You know I imagine switches in people's minds that switched them
I imagine Actors amidst reality
One day the real film will be made
For the whole world to see
One day the real story will be told for this is the fallacy
Fallacy oftime place emotion destruction devotion
I have never seen such shattering de votion
Such broken love
I can see why they love I can see why they want and desire
Buti can also see why they die each day a little more I can see why every moment words are taught it erases gods miracles on us

Ya Allah thank you for sending me to a place so beautiful buti am sorry my eyes are broken into a thousand Ideas
I find myself here lost as usual but know ever so
For here I have discovered such undiscovered areas such told lies such expressing music that my own report is low
If I had chance to high my score...... Welll
I would swirl petals with cars and red velvet cake with Quran showering amidst the lavish landscape music of old and sudan with rap of new and motivated familiarity I would wake up early and design the night
I would write and write and write about what's right I would ask the handsome and the brave the bold but the beautiful the wise and thes trong but the most humble and the most alert I would ask god for help and hang ramaddan on the walls as well as new turskish dubbed series with an array of silly Egyptian ones.....the Sudanese news boring magnificence plays the winding of the night for time is precious and I would have precious silk owns and the boðy to impress the man of m dreams I would never cry and I would find myself in his kisses and our caressing days....wrappped in each. Others arms and twirled with happiness for in this vast life in this alone planet within a planet inside a world we live......extravagant and unshaken by .........the borderless life

For nonoe can enter our Borders without permission no one can tell us what to do no one can steal the most precious and only thing god gave metocontrol my actions and my faithand he knows that .....the one I share my life with
No one can make me fight for anything but what I believe in
No amount of beauty I would pay for to delete byname and make a new one. No nothing in this fantastic rip in time can make me argue for somethingiwas not born for
I wonder about true commitment and true honesty am I the true? No I am not that strong but then haven not really met someone who is
I wonder about the gaps that we fill and the space that we hold in this earth and the time that is allocated to us and the squaresthat we move in the circles that we love in and the triangles we get stuck in
I wonder about the. Fences we live around and the knowledge we pay for and the driving to life we learn
I wonder about what people mean and what means everything to people
Why does life have to be so cruel why do I share the conscience so deep inside me but so powerfully raw alive and screaming inside me taking every bit of my happiness and changing to thought
I wonder ehby I think I unique...... . I am only one little tiny non existent part of gods story but he. Has empowered with this heavy conscience this ...... Never sleeping why's and how's and nos and all that I want is to feel ht I belong but I know that the only place iwill ever really belong is......where god places me
I ask myself all the most simple but unimaginably difficult questions
Who am I
What do I want in life
What are my dreams
What is my destiny
Where do I belong
And then ....... What does love mean to me?
I.....got cut off by my relative....... To be continued

en route to.....finding the way out

I ...feel like I'm making bad choices all the time
Every second in every day and I cannot forgive myself
my conscience is like a gaping wound
each time I increase the torment by a new mistake
I think and immediately regret
 I act and instantly wonder why
 I never accept what do but I am not to give up
if there is one unique thing about me .....my faith
Dear God I am in love with you for sure
I may. Be so confused about everyone else but that I know for sure
My heart awaits praying my mind awaits your peace my dress awaits your acceptance
When I think of you I don't care about others there is a beautiful healing in your thoughts wondrous medicine in your time
Looking at the clear sky above my head this morning all I can feel is safety for being here or being anywhere I am still with you
I am so faraway from home worse still I am so far away from my sanity for here my emotions have run melted and cooked
I can't stop thinking about raw feelings and old memories mixed up with new conquests
 here I am free with the new wind landlocked up in the fantasy of my desires
 I keep thinking and wondering and asking and trying and failing
the distractions are not from others but from myself
 right now right now I don't know is it malpractice. Inexperience bad human nature how a part of me can suffer so dramatically from myself and the other part continues to mend continues to prove me wrong I admit I am broken in consistency
I admit I am severly judgmental within my inner and outer boundaries and forget that I judge others I admit I judge others even if what they're doing is wrong
 I have no right to feel like this
my heart twitters on others people's mistakes to forget my own I know I know I have lack of confidence but I build that up with strength of personality no one
no one
not even this ugly invasive part of me ......can succeed to fail me .

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

En Route to......Discovery

en route to discovery
I pass the oceans to find a new eternity
for my lost soul and hidden mystery
reaching a land that I thought was an impossibility
God gave me permission to discover a new destiny
without loss without cause without agony
I found myself distillid from questionability
I found myself strong among hypocrocy
I may have come bitter in the journey
but God knows my heart is golden from fury

en route to discovery
I come back with treasures and a new rhapsody
I come back intoxicated with my unimaginabe prosperities
and my hidden sensualities
and my untold stories

i come back whole
and i smile writing that sentence

I come back whole
for I replaced my heart with a new start
and I realised what I am living for is not in store....
it is now...it is today
and yesterday - is forgotten

en route to happiness
I crossed the lands and the oceans to come to a new place
I was insensible throughout
but good judgement comes with perserverence
passing comes with fialing
I will pass
I will succeed
I will awake all my queit body and mind
and I now  I will find
.....a NEw Hope

(to be continued)

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -