Wednesday, August 28, 2013

remember things

its time for a revolution
one that leads to a solution
of miracles and new introductions
to life thats never been lived before
...this way memories that make sense and are beautiful
its time to say things that mean well
and to let people want to care
dont dare
to be better
or have more
youll never reach that invisible point
of everlasting...things
that can burn
and can tear
thnk if time as the most expensive thing you have
and a good heart hte most expensive diamond you wear
and a strong soul the the most expensive treasure you can own
and each breath you take
are actually costly
even if cheap
if each breath lets say costs one pound
one dirham
one euro
one sterling
or one dollar
 then how many days could you actually afford?

its time to start loving
and actually wearing joy and happiness rather than keepin it in a wardrobe
its time to iron faith and leave it crisp smooth
not crinkled and dirty waiting to be washed
its time to clean possibilities
and explore every detergent... that can make you have that unique scent
that special extravagance
like no one else owns your world but you


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

why play with spiders?

Why use your time in wasted play
instead of losing why dont you win to live and not play
why dont you stack your cards of joy and patience
why dont you count your stars shining for you in the sky
instead of using seconds and mintues that turn into hours
watch TV or garden some flowers
why do you insist to throw your life away
I dont understand why playing a spider is better
and makes you stay
against all odds
you try to prove apoint
that hearts spades sheerya and diamonds
should never meet
and separation of families is


but the truth is
differences are the best thing on earth
and the kindest opportunity to be happy and
the wildest proportions are the ones that dont match
and the best tries are the ones that are not similiar
and I ask myself

what do you find so enjoyable about playing spiders?
why dont you play guitar
or walk far
into goodness

Queit reflections 1

sitting in a silent library in the desert one imagines life to be still
no movement except the quick fans that disperse air to cool me
and the sound of my fingertips accessing the world
I ask myself - why do I hate myself so much?
when life certainly doesnt hate me
I ask myself - cant you see that everything falls into place?
like this beautiful queit reflection of joy
nobody but me
am I really that ugly I cannot even sit with myself?
I wonder why I feel so bruised and unable to enjoy who I am

I realise
i cannot forgive myself
I realise
I delay being happy
I realise
I cannot allow myself
the pleasure of being faithful
I realise
I cannot allow myself
the pleasure of being with faithful
I realise
I cannot breathe easily because im filled with negativity
I realise
these days I havnt smiled because I break everything good down
until it becomes fragments of pieces I cannot understand

quiet reflections is what I need
and this is the beginning in an african library
no one beside me except my destruction
and my challenge to heal myself
for no one can convince me
that im the luckiest happiest woman in the world
if I dont believe so

even if its true

Friday, August 16, 2013

unscheduled madness

its been a long time since i really thought
since i really wrote since
i really was a good woman
and i feel sorry for myself
for pain is unevitable
and terrible
to feel
I can still smell cologne of hte past
of beautiful school children so clean
of a house a home

and where am I in this mess?
the dirty
like mud
like sudanese water

I am unfiltered sudanese water


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

the last time ...

Here I am ...on one of the most deciding days of my life
I write for peace
I write for eternity
that I find my soul lost within the spaces of time
time that i spent here in my home
in my garden
in my city
that i never chose to be in but it chose me
and as i grew up it became a part of me and I part of it

today I sit reminiscing how a child I was
and how childhood lived in me
wishing and playing
and then turning into a young girl
dreaming and praying
I was good
I was bad
and I was in between
but I was me
never an illusion, just r eal

in the angles and the circles of my family
I lived with them and they lived with me
creating moments
that at the time ....were normal
but now are so very very precious
for I seek to hold them like gold in my mind
and write with them a present
that is now a present to me
that i must never lose 

here I am ...a woman in a crossroads
travelling to the future and never going back to the past
the past will also be new now
and I will never return the same again
i dont know what the future holds for me
but I know if I Dont trust God I will fail

and so I ask God for forgiveness
for everlasting true love with him
and the want to go to paradise always
and never somewhere else

this is change happening
this is change unfolding
and living it isnt easy
for it feels like I have to tear all my fears away
and it feels like I have to disturb the peace
 and walk away from me into a new me
almost as if Im entering a new realm
passing a new portal
going to the future

but Ive never been happier
or more excited
or more cherished in my life before
and no matter how much I thank God it will never be enough


(to be continued)

Monday, August 12, 2013

Beautiful words,,,

God promises, but He also is in control of the universe. 
If you fail to do your walk because of your laziness,
 He can use someone else to do His task. 
Just because we have free will does not mean we can change the master plan of the almighty. 
We can only change our master plan in small things.

You do not want to miss the promise of God.

 In it lies a great blessing. 
A great task with a great joy. 
Stay focused and know the true calling in your life. 
Know what you heard was real. 
Know who is promising; the God who only says be and it is. 
So hang in there and persevere by walking with a noble purpose and be ready to be blessed with more than it was promised.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

lacking focus...

There is a woman inside me I just dont know
a woman screaming to be evil and wanting bad things always
there is a woman whose reflection is paramount for destruction
and i hide her poor revelation and insanity
all the time
its tiring
there is a woman within me who i just dont want no more
that tarnished day that always she makes me stray
from peace and innocenece 
and tranquility
making me enter a life where I
like a block on my page
or a hide on my wall
my inner reflection stops me
from seeing
from feeling
and from believing
its tiring
I ask myself
is this what you really want to look like?
without focus?

Saturday, August 10, 2013

living short... and I hate it

I cant remember the last time i looked at myself in the mirror
taking a  true breath to remember what i really looked like
even if a lie, even if there was no truth in what I saw

When was the last time I took time to be myself and to stop
proving a point - always im trying to prove myself wrong
or someone else ...wrong
or anything - I dont agree with
it breaks my heart to see me like this

useless and ..pointless

I cant remember the last time I enjoyed faith
the sunrise and sunsets went down like normality
just like the other person next door
and the angels didnt even come near the town
i rented ,
this year I was .....unvisited
and the Quran lay unopened
and my hands never looked up once to the clear blue hot sky...
it haunts me to think what God thinks of me

it haunts me to think who I truly am and what blackness must be inside me

I cant remember the last time I really cared about myself
understanding and wanting things for myself to be better
im just so preoccupied with when theyre not
im so challenged by history
 im mesmerised by failure...almost driving myself to its highway

I cant remember the last time I knew what I was doing
where I was going
What I wanted to achieve and how to achieve it
exactly why  I wanted to be here on earth and

I cant remember the last time I asked God to let me enter heaven
must have been a million years ago
when I had different hopes and was a different hope

now I just see a woman in a yellow cardigan ...

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -