Tuesday, August 13, 2013

the last time ...

Here I am ...on one of the most deciding days of my life
I write for peace
I write for eternity
that I find my soul lost within the spaces of time
time that i spent here in my home
in my garden
in my city
that i never chose to be in but it chose me
and as i grew up it became a part of me and I part of it

today I sit reminiscing how a child I was
and how childhood lived in me
wishing and playing
and then turning into a young girl
dreaming and praying
I was good
I was bad
and I was in between
but I was me
never an illusion, just r eal

in the angles and the circles of my family
I lived with them and they lived with me
creating moments
that at the time ....were normal
but now are so very very precious
for I seek to hold them like gold in my mind
and write with them a present
that is now a present to me
that i must never lose 

here I am ...a woman in a crossroads
travelling to the future and never going back to the past
the past will also be new now
and I will never return the same again
i dont know what the future holds for me
but I know if I Dont trust God I will fail

and so I ask God for forgiveness
for everlasting true love with him
and the want to go to paradise always
and never somewhere else

this is change happening
this is change unfolding
and living it isnt easy
for it feels like I have to tear all my fears away
and it feels like I have to disturb the peace
 and walk away from me into a new me
almost as if Im entering a new realm
passing a new portal
going to the future

but Ive never been happier
or more excited
or more cherished in my life before
and no matter how much I thank God it will never be enough


(to be continued)

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -