living short... and I hate it

I cant remember the last time i looked at myself in the mirror
taking a  true breath to remember what i really looked like
even if a lie, even if there was no truth in what I saw

When was the last time I took time to be myself and to stop
proving a point - always im trying to prove myself wrong
or someone else ...wrong
or anything - I dont agree with
it breaks my heart to see me like this

useless and ..pointless


I cant remember the last time I enjoyed faith
the sunrise and sunsets went down like normality
just like the other person next door
and the angels didnt even come near the town
i rented ,
this year I was .....unvisited
and the Quran lay unopened
and my hands never looked up once to the clear blue hot sky...
it haunts me to think what God thinks of me

it haunts me to think who I truly am and what blackness must be inside me

I cant remember the last time I really cared about myself
understanding and wanting things for myself to be better
im just so preoccupied with when theyre not
im so challenged by history
 im mesmerised by failure...almost driving myself to its highway

I cant remember the last time I knew what I was doing
where I was going
What I wanted to achieve and how to achieve it
better
exactly why  I wanted to be here on earth and

I cant remember the last time I asked God to let me enter heaven
must have been a million years ago
when I had different hopes and was a different hope


now I just see a woman in a yellow cardigan ...