Saturday, August 10, 2013

living short... and I hate it

I cant remember the last time i looked at myself in the mirror
taking a  true breath to remember what i really looked like
even if a lie, even if there was no truth in what I saw

When was the last time I took time to be myself and to stop
proving a point - always im trying to prove myself wrong
or someone else ...wrong
or anything - I dont agree with
it breaks my heart to see me like this

useless and ..pointless

I cant remember the last time I enjoyed faith
the sunrise and sunsets went down like normality
just like the other person next door
and the angels didnt even come near the town
i rented ,
this year I was .....unvisited
and the Quran lay unopened
and my hands never looked up once to the clear blue hot sky...
it haunts me to think what God thinks of me

it haunts me to think who I truly am and what blackness must be inside me

I cant remember the last time I really cared about myself
understanding and wanting things for myself to be better
im just so preoccupied with when theyre not
im so challenged by history
 im mesmerised by failure...almost driving myself to its highway

I cant remember the last time I knew what I was doing
where I was going
What I wanted to achieve and how to achieve it
exactly why  I wanted to be here on earth and

I cant remember the last time I asked God to let me enter heaven
must have been a million years ago
when I had different hopes and was a different hope

now I just see a woman in a yellow cardigan ...

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -