Thursday, December 22, 2011

LIVE Khartoum Heartbreak 1

Just so close, on a fallen balcony , a woman screams to her young daughter - YOUVE DONE A HUUGEEE MISTAKE! FIX IT!
her screams echo the lounge, the kitchen, solid annoyance with the world and everything in it ,in that moment in time , I am forced to listen planets between us and yet her voice rings in my ears, her pain agonises my heart and her screams worrry me terribly,

it is an episode of live Khartoum Heartbreak

here We are, here I am amidst the working streets, it is 2.36 in the afternoon
birds are chirping outside , their sounds sing over fast motor cycles and impatient car horn, lorries growl too.  I can hear the sounds of cooking, pots and pans exploding with flavour in deep unshaven kitchens, clean....but not clean enough, never can be - for it would not be perfect Khartoum otherwise .... dust trickles, and flies dance ,

my cousin breaks my trail of thought but enters a new one in my head...... her lemon juice swings in the air , taste and smell combined remind me of my glistening dreams, and hot houses repaired with  them.. I dream of living here in the heat sometimes won by the creeping cold escpecially in the night time twirls - when it gets cold here - no one should underestimate the powr of its control. Slowly taking you sharply drying you from the winds agitated by change in the skies. its swift coolness design my dreams. I dream now of a 6.02 am balcony revolution with a woolen jumper over a navy cotton dress. hair hairdressed, curls obeying and attentive to beauty, hena glowing each flower flowing stories, each line connecting dots.... she smells african, she smells sudanese.. but her scent is from an alternate reality , just a few moments away and yet planets in time.......

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

disaster all on my own accord

Here we go again
A disaster
and does this have anything to do with any body else
I feel ashamed and I deserve to be ashamed

Friday, December 2, 2011

untitled stress

but all my fault
I dont know
whether to applaude or whether to condescend but
i know myself
I know exactly how i think and how I plan
and I am conniving
so I will only fault
today I will only fault

the next time I am here
I hope I am bette
rin a better place
in a better thought
in a better dream.........

Thursday, December 1, 2011

half and half

I am such a mess
a part of me wants this
and a part of me wants that

my dreams are cut in half
they are superimposed on each other unti  Iget a blurred vision

I do not understand
and yet I see it so clearly

I do not want this
and I do not want that

A part of me wants to become the other
and the other wants to remain wanted

I do feel like a broken record
round and round and round
and the lyrics are all wrong
and the music is off

so of course im dancing to the wrong thing

I am such a mess
I do not know how to tidy it all up
where to being
what to throw out and what to keep

I feel like two halves
one in this country and one in the other place
the place where I belong
and neither part truly belongs to me
for I do not belong to either of them

i belong to the unnatural
to the non existent
to the eerie imagination of dark saga
I belong somehwere between the oceans and the land
the airplanes and the cars
the trains and the wrong commands...................

replace me today

Dear God,

I have to go I should be there now
But I just want to say
I miss you and i love you
you are the love of my life
no matter how faw away I get something always pulls me back
saves me
and that is that
My love for you
I know everything is all messed up
yesterday, the day before
but I know that one day, today
it will start
my journey back to yyou
where I will find you dramatically
I am in great need for this love for you
and I beg you to ....never give up on me

I am sorry I always gave my troubles to everyone but you
I am sorry that i felt I had troubles in the first place

I am sorry that I didnt find it in me to be strong enough to stop myself
I am sorry that I was never strong enough for you
and thtath urts me
more than anything

dear God
I bed your forgiveness
your help
I need you all the time
even though I do not show that all the time
please for give me

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -