Thursday, December 1, 2011

half and half

I am such a mess
a part of me wants this
and a part of me wants that

my dreams are cut in half
they are superimposed on each other unti  Iget a blurred vision

I do not understand
and yet I see it so clearly

I do not want this
and I do not want that

A part of me wants to become the other
and the other wants to remain wanted

I do feel like a broken record
round and round and round
and the lyrics are all wrong
and the music is off

so of course im dancing to the wrong thing

I am such a mess
I do not know how to tidy it all up
where to being
what to throw out and what to keep

I feel like two halves
one in this country and one in the other place
the place where I belong
and neither part truly belongs to me
for I do not belong to either of them

i belong to the unnatural
to the non existent
to the eerie imagination of dark saga
I belong somehwere between the oceans and the land
the airplanes and the cars
the trains and the wrong commands...................


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -