Saturday, March 27, 2010

Rice Pudding Fairytale..

it's sweet, creamy, kind and delicious - - romantic currants go in there and cocunut dressing - admiring dreams as the sugar blesses - but I am not deserving of all this beauty

Fancy sandwiches and nothing normal anymore

so--- I COULD eat a normal sandwich with cheese and luncheon pieces
make a french toast sandwich with melting cheddar and fried luncheon - hot and tasty
a mutation from the normal gene
no more normality
no more formality
everything should have a twist
leave your secrets in the mist
and eat your heart true

In the dark with parsley & garlic olive oil bread

its late at night and I have my favorite all about phalestinian show coming on soon- there may be a love story involved and the girl is so lost and the man is dangerous, sexy and all I can think about is changing someone like that into a beautiful muslim - I want to watch their lives - fomula of war - 5 lights down, and only 1 light on - it's the 1 in the oven - - garlic and flat leaf parsley square bread - with olive oil
when its ready the smells are like from the middle east - its like their from far and yet everything is so near
failure or disaster -
I eat it with melted camembert
and everything is alright

It's time for fish...

I saute the fish with dill, salt, pepper and any other nice


casserole dish ready, place the sauted fish, lemon and then carrots, courgetes, brocoli , onions and garlic

all the above should have been brought to the heat in a sauce pan so they are brown and softer

beshamel -

and cook in the oven for a few minutes or until bubbly as they say

I like eggs soft -

I like eggs soft
Like soft emotions and running feelings into my heart
emotions should be boiled only for a while so as not to risk dehydration -
keep things running smoothly
for it only takes and extra second for everything to go hard

Classy Lunchtime - Kippers on tuesday

Lunches - its midday and I don't have a lot of time
The windows are open and I'm trying to make tuesday into saturday
spring cleaning while I wear my work suit and I want something...
I want a classy life
I want a classy lunch

Butter Kippers with spicy tomatoes and smoking pitta breads

Think again - Sudanese Milk Coffee

I need time to think
I need time to be forgiven
I need time to stop being fake
I need to drink coffee over sudanese balconies
I need to drink coffee over magical stars and morning prayers
I need to think again

Rising - Pine Nut Wholemeal Bread

Bread rising with pine nuts

you have to like pine nuts to love bread with pine nuts

like you have to love yourself fully to enjoy life fully

otherwise things go wrong

things feel wrong

and you don't


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Monday, March 22, 2010

Heart eating true - part 1

I have been collecting baking books for a while, Love the pictures, the idea of following new different foods and then adding your owns exits and create something into the freeway
With the intention of learning how to cook of course - romantic, good tasting foods - that no one else ( i mean, none other but the owner of the books) knows how to whip up with the hope that i become ... well what this book is titled


I love both words
Domestic - every time i hear the word I used to think of domestic violence or


domestos !-yes the cleaning agent, so toilets basically
but now the word domestic is like a fancy word for rich mansion of love as bread baking enters the living room -
like good food can become your heart
Goddess? - breaking news for me - elegant and twisted with imagination - a woman of creativity and strength - all Iwanted to become
stretch the two together and

I feel like all I want to do is buy flour ,eggs and chocolate and other sweet things and cook recipes wearing a silk gown beautifully interlaced with a family sleeping with magical food cells in their tummys - I might even be doing this at 3 in the morning using only the light of the refrigerator as the reflections shivers of my home made mint and lavender flowers lie on the pearl floor of my happinness

You see - simple things set me to write
even simpler things break me to dream
dreams that are a book, words, cakes, scones and biscuits away

I think of it ... as delightful sugar - just how like faith is delightful sugar - white and sweet

( The above is a sponge cake - filled with custard, strawberries, mango and chocolate - topped with cream and icing sugar)

To be continued..

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Ya Rab help me return 1

Suddenly - I realise all I've done in the past is lose my faith
everyday.. I woke up and I fell down into a pit hole where there was no faith
No faith
I lived without feeling the greatness of my reasoning or being here
being given the pleasure of health and work
being aspired into position of love , a loving family
yet all i found myself doing was abusing the power of electrical wiring
connections absent in streets of air
I walked in abscence, in silence
for so long
i have been unfaithful to the community of muslims
I find myself
dying with pain I created from tears manufactured in some part of me that only thinks of small things
things not as big as Phalestine
or strength or words or meaning
Things not as faithful as the Prophet, or friends of the Prophet or women in the Prophet lives... women in history breaking beautiful rules and entering into true religion

things so small that my eyes were asleep during the breaking of dawn -during when colours melted into the regions of heaven
so grand the sky that is so high for me to see
yet I sleep
powerless with distrust and illness of fear
powerless with other disgusting emotions and emotionless dreams
that for a long time where my pillow
my only lonely comfort

and then one day
i cry
Icry until I think I will never stop
for my anger infuriates me
and my pain grew so large like tumour I could not control
and all these dreams I felt they were real
like they were happening
everything was black
all my tears they wet my soul
and as they wet my tired soul
it was like rain washing away the irreversible
I cried so much that i made water to clear the darkness
the walls that surrounded me became softer
and then they started to fall
with each one
with every wall breaking
I heard something good
Ifelt something new
I became someone else - became who I want to be
and today
today I feel different
I feel like faith is mine
all mine
and i can hold it in my arms
like a lover
a lover i found that will stay with me forever
not like any other lover
this time I feel
I feel all the good inside me returning
all the beauty inside me surfacing
I feel faith has always been loyal to me
I have not been loyal
I have not been loyal a t all
but today
all I want to is pray
please god accept in me this change and help me recover
help me recover and discover who ionce was and who I want to become
for without you I am nothing
I feel empty and I want you to accept me as I take back an ugly part in me each day and change it into good
ya Rab

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

untitled shivers

My heart palpates into deep frenzies of love and adventurous affairs, losing my sanity to beautiful encounters of wonderful people and daring imaginations I sanction myself to do mistakes and ask for forgiveness later
I don't understand
why my mind wont help me
why my body wont attempt to lose the imbalance of prediction and destruction of a young girls stupid.. stupid... memories and thoughts

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


ha, sometimes I can close my eyes and my dreams fall into place

nothing is really wrong , except me but then I can see all the ways I need to change me and it becomes all right

ha, I can even sleep atn ight and I can stop doing all those mistakes and pretending

I can stop pretending or hating

I can stop hating myself or anyone else for that matter

ha, sometimes I get so angry with myself for becoming so foreign, so naive, so dramatically useless

I get so angry at being sick right down to the soul for I have not taken care of myself

I have not thought right

I haven ot trusted god

that - is the biggest disease

for when that happens

ha, I lose the world

I become a monster

I cannot control the pain

I feel tormented my loneliness

when I forget God

it feels like I let go of an only love affair in my life

like all i dreamt of came right to my door

and i said no

i said no

to the one thing I ever wanted

the one thing i ever dreamt about

the only thing that is on my mind

all the time


ha, when I think of how I treat myself

and how others may be treating themselves

what they want in life

how they live their lives


ha, go crazy

but then suddenly i see a movie

where it is filmed in true innocence

and really a beautful blue silk desire of dusken growing relationships

I feel like ha, that could happen to me!

if I only wasnt so ..... lost


enemising the one true real beauty in my life... Faith

ha, faith is no joke

and i choke - without it

no joke

oh god, I just want to beforgive

I just want anotehr chance

no joke

i just want to change my life

even if its the simplest things

but i just want to be forgiven

ha, I want to clear conscience!

I want a clear dream

i just want to be forgiven please god, I just want to be forgiven

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010

untitled evening

God I have so much to say
so much to believe in and so much to lose
I have so much to imagine -
everyday I live for something like a dream
it gets so close and yet al I Feel is
I see... lies
and families breaking in front of my eyes
I have so much to say
but I lost one of the best friends I ever had
one of the most important people i could talk to
then again
maybe it came at a right time
losing them
I can now keep secrets..and a half

I feel like im the bad ending of a bad fairytale
I feel like my colour is pale and stale

God I have so much to lose
Dont lose me
I know it's selfish
Ive been selfish
But dont lose me

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I used to dream...

I used to think about dreams like they were real dreams
trumpeting though the music of my soul, clean magnitudes of purity heavenly decisions and easy going valleys of a lifetime of hope

I used to see dreams like they were a part of me, made from me and made by me,
pretending about life was easy meddling in the parties of todays existence, till the morning came and the night stung into the sweet dews over hanging love and trees of kisses grew into my secret garden, for petals heard, and only sky glaciers froze over the whispers of drama

I used to dream of beautiful jewels of stars becoming my story and canopy of everlasting seduction and destiny was glorious fate and wishful thinking a balcony of mine

I used to dream of dreams like they could be and I could see how they could be
For in My dreams, I became something out of a memory growing slowly and then evaporating into the future to reach me, a place where I could feel them touching my heart
for in them
I advanced passion and trust, lust and trust,
honest dust painting the walls of an african girl
with swirls of english countryside
and twirls of new meaning and beaming sun of time
nothing is crime, to dream well
and spell the letters of my life , I write through urban commitments
and holiday refreshments
in hope I can dream again
become hope again
become a dream again
return again
to my long lost dreams
for it seems
I forgot how to dream
to truly truly dream
like I once used to dream
of encounters and counters of sunset rolls of mirror emotions
and wonderlands of sharing devotions
crisp white linen in a nights wind tale
palm trees shine with the scent of the moons dawn
white sand touches everything
white carriage...carry me....
into a blissful dream


What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -